Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
Wow…I found one more that I hope will help you….. This is from an abuse victim web site. From where I sit…you meet 10 of the 12 characteristics.

MM, I am only showing this to you to HELP you. I pray that you figure this out and find your true happiness.

Abuse Victim Characteristics

There are abuse victim characteristics that many people in an abusive relationship tend to have in common or display. These can include:

1. Low self esteem (you have admitted this)

2. Emotional and economic dependency (you are tied to him by the business and now cannot buy “your” house until he agrees to the business deal)

3. Continued faith and hope abuser will "grow up" (your quote…”I am trying to wait this out”)

4. Depression (you have admitted this)

5. Accepts blame and guilt for actions of others (notice how you keep saying that you apply too much pressure – hence blaming yourself)

6. Socially isolated, (noticed that until we pushed you to GAL you were all alone).

7. Believes in stereotypical sex roles (read your old posts about your R with bf)

8. Has poor self image (another issue tied to your low self esteem0

9. May defend any criticism of abuser (BINGO – this was just pointed out to you0

10. May have repeatedly left, or considered leaving the relationship (I believe you just posted today…a comment that you have LEFT him)

11. Participation in pecking-order battering

12. Stress disorders and/or psychosomatic complaints


I'll close with this...I am willing to go through every single one of your threads and add quotes to each of the bullets above, if it helps you. You tell me....do you need me to do that for you?

Your call MM....your call.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,220
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,220
You're lucky the others have stuck with you this long.

From my POV you say that you agree and understand and then you prove that you don't by continuing your same old actions and defending both them and your BF.

I'm out.


If you love somebody, set them free.
http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
While mm hasn't earnt anything, I have from reading over her stuff.

Seeing how she allowed him to treat her was what made me go nc in march. While I m certainly not where I can be or need to be I'm getting there.

I see so much my r in here it's very very scarey, even down to the withheld goods and settlement. Hence I am pushing settlement thru faster, as I do not want to be still haggling this time next year even, let alone in 2 years, I just don't have the patience or time for it.


Last edited by Ggrass; 10/03/14 11:30 PM.

M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
HI Eric,

Thanks for the list of abusers/manipulators.... while some of this stuff may be true (selfish) the abusing stuff is mostly not. He is only selfish some of the time. He gets enjoyment out of pleasing me and wants to do more. He offers to help with what ever I would need him to do. He is very giving and caring to my parents/daughter.

From what I have read, I think that this is all part of the process of reconciliation... taking the time to reconnect. By me not applying pressure, he is able to come forward. This is a lesson that I MUST learn. This is why I am trying to see this through a little longer so that I can know that I did what I needed to do.

Your list of characteristics are your opinion and are not fully accurate, if we are going to review, let's be accurate & honest:

Abuse Victim Characteristics

There are abuse victim characteristics that many people in an abusive relationship tend to have in common or display. These can include:

1. Low self esteem (you have admitted this) Yes, working on this

2. Emotional and economic dependency (you are tied to him by the business and now cannot buy “your” house until he agrees to the business deal) It is MY choice not to buy a house until the agreement is signed

3. Continued faith and hope abuser will "grow up" (your quote…”I am trying to wait this out”) No different than many others on this site. Lighthouse!

4. Depression (you have admitted this) No I have not.

5. Accepts blame and guilt for actions of others (notice how you keep saying that you apply too much pressure – hence blaming yourself) I don't "blame" myself, its part of my growth to recognize it. Isn't this typical again of MLC? (feed the squirrel effect?)

6. Socially isolated, (noticed that until we pushed you to GAL you were all alone). This is absolutely NOT true... had tons of GAL since day one.

7. Believes in stereotypical sex roles (read your old posts about your R with bf) Not understanding this one

8. Has poor self image (another issue tied to your low self esteem0 This is true, working on it

9. May defend any criticism of abuser (BINGO – this was just pointed out to you0 I defend the parts that are not true, I accept and agree what is

10. May have repeatedly left, or considered leaving the relationship (I believe you just posted today…a comment that you have LEFT him) I think was describing how I finally had dropped the rope

11. Participation in pecking-order battering

12. Stress disorders and/or psychosomatic complaints

I am not defending him or myself...This list can be said to pretty much everyone on this site, it does not prove that anyone is in an abusive relationship... However, I can admit that each relationship (even good ones) have some slight resemblances to forms of abuse (at times)

I know what he is working on and what he is willing to do and not do, at this time. I have seen change over the last year and a half. I am not convinced he is where I need him to be as yet, and therefore I am cautious and skeptical. I am sure that he does have some of the traits as mentioned above & by you all. They are traits, but not his whole being.

If I feel that I am being taken advantage of, I will certainly not allow it. My daughter, parents, friends & councellor will be sure to point it out.

I know that the people on this site are caring and take the time to support and advice me. I am ever so grateful.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, he asked again if I was going to go to his dads for Thanksgiving. I said Yes. Our convo led to changes in him, and how his mom has noticed his changes like taking the time to relax (180) and noticing all the time he is spending with me. He told her that we are getting along.

Last night after work, I asked if he wanted to hang out for a while. He suggested to go into town and grab a beer. I wasn't really feeling like going out, I wanted to stay in. I suggested we grab a pizza and beer and stay in. He really wanted to be out because he feels he always stays in. He then said "lets do whatever you want"... so, we went inside, he got ready, He began to put the moves on me, I was playful & suggested "maybe later"...this made him desire more. I was afraid that if he got what he wanted now, that it would end our time together early...He worked harder to convince me and our evening still went as planned (even longer actually). <<< this is new stuff right here! We came back with pizza and he brought up some beer. While the pizza was re-heating, he wanted to pleasure me... I suggested "later" that I was hungry.. he tried again, but I didn't give in. He motioned for me to come sit beside him on the couch. We watched TV, but not a movie (I think that was too much commitment). He offered a glass of wine (I had often dreamed about being home, having a glass of wine & sitting on my couch again...it was wonderful) ... Around 9:20, I suggested that I leave (trying not to overstay). He suggested that I stay and watch the next segment of the show. I stayed. Then he approached pleasuring me again and I said I needed convincing, that I was tired... but he could try. We cuddled and fooled around a bit. Then it was time for me to go... he said that he enjoyed his night & asked if I did too. He leaned in to kiss me and ask that I text when I got to my parents.

I find that he is becoming more attached and able to be more comfortable with me again. At BD, when our bodies (arm to arm, etc) would briefly touch he would pull away, he would insist on privacy (doors closed) and all affection stopped. <<< this is not the case AT ALL anymore. If we touch briefly, he keeps his body part touching mine or will reach out in return, he now has me back in the house, open policy... he is not hiding anything and I feel that I can do things freely. He no longer closes doors (not even the washroom), his kisses goodbye are on his term (not obligation either).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pearl... I would like to understand and apply more of what I say I "see" and agree with... for this, I will review my posts again and look at working on those things.

Ggrass... I have learned from this site.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appreciate the opinions as they make me look at myself/situation & be aware.. I feel the need to clarify because I feel that if more of what is being judged has more of the real truth, then I could receive more accurate advice.... this is the ONLY reason that I clarify (old MM behaviour). It is not about pointing out that someone is wrong. I am not trying to do that. Sorry, if this offends anyone.

Last edited by makingmagic; 10/04/14 04:01 PM.

M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
MM,
I'm not going to go down your list of Eric's "opinions" (these aren't opinions, MM. They are things that you show us when you post word for word conversations with XBF) and rebuttals. I'm just going to say one thing.....sometimes the things you think are being "judged" the wrong way, that YOU see as "untrue" are the very things that ARE true...you are just too close to see it. What offends isn't that you are proving someone as being "wrong" about something. What offends is that you aren't able to understand that what YOU think is true may not be which is why you need advice in the first place. If you were looking at your sitch accurately you wouldn't need to ask for help at all.

If what you say in the first paragraph of your last post was true, you would be happy and in a healthy R. The person you describe in that paragraph is not the person who you have talked about in the last 2,500+ posts, MM. If he really was behaving the way you described, you wouldn't even be here.

Lastly, if you think a "good" R has any of the characteristics of abuse as described by Eric, you have deeper problems than an XBF in MLC. Yes, many on here are in similar situations with their H/W BUT we know that is not what a healthy R is AND it wasn't always like this. If my W acted the way Eric describes from the start of our R, I wouldn't have M her to begin with. Her behaving towards me the way she is now is not the way she has for the last 26 years. It is new, out of character, not the way she acted in the past and it is impossible to have anything close to a good R while it is happening. If you think that any abuse is "normal" you need to look deeper inside of you and see why you think that it's OK for MM to be treated like that EVER.

I could easily spend the time to go back and find examples of XBF behaving the way Eric tried to show you....several examples, not just one or two. Open your mind to the fact that you may not be seeing your own situation in an unbiased way. That is the only way that you will be able to get where you need to be.

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
Hey Matt... thanks for pointing that out... I was already thinking along the lines of what you are saying which is why I came back to post. Thank you for explaining in a gentle way.... I appreciate it. It comes across as a gentle hug.

I am very much too close to my situation and therefore value an outsiders opinion.

I will take a half of the pill from above because only part of it is truth.

An example of what is half truth is my business deal/house situation. It is ME who is putting a road block from buying a house because I want my deal in writing BEFORE I take money from the business. It is suggested that HE is preventing me from buying the house and that is not true. He is more than willing to give me any amount of money I want to take from the business or even a personal loan from him. Because I am firm on wanting to do a personal deal first, I am withholding from myself. Although he is not agreeing with how I want to do it... He IS willing to do it MY way and therefore we are finishing up our agreement. He wants to get it past us & move forward. There are things in that agreement that we both don't like but will accept so that its finalized. period.

So, when someone posts what they THINK and its not the truth, I get defensive & feel the need to clarify because I want the reader to know the whole story so they can form their opinion and give advice from that point.

What I posted in that last post is TRUE... however, he is a work in progress... He is not fully who I need him to be.... He is still coming out of his MLC. Like many of the others who post on this site we write about the good, the bad & the ugly...., maybe I do this wrong???

I think that good relationships have temporary moments of the characteristics of above. If they are lasting...thats a REAL problem. Sometimes situations place those we love in insane conditions...temporarily!

I would truly love to see my situation in an unbiased way.... I am open to hear and be shown, but please allow me to clarify & then continue to show me past that. This will be a HUGE help to me. One at a time.

Taking a half of the pill now!


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 10
B
New Member
Offline
New Member
B
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 10
So did last night feel like your H was pursuing you ? Was the night executed without any pressure from Magic ? these are all small steps.

For the record I think any relationship can take characteristics of abuse from either partner in a time of crisis. BREAK UPS are ugly and painful! Just MHO.

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
soooooo... I placed an offer on a house tonight. I did it ALL by myself, didn't even refer to him for his opinion. I saw it at an open house at 3:30, showed it to my daughter by 4...offering by 5:30.

It was set up for multi offer. I offered their asking price and gave a large deposit. I went in without conditions other than an inspection.... and ... I still didn't get it.

UGHHHH... nerve wrecking!!

We then (DD & I) went out for dinner with my agent friend and his daughter.

I eventually told Xbf and he was pretty receptive of all messages.. texting me back within seconds! Each message. He is anxious to hear all about it, and says "we will have a nice day tomorrow and you can tell me all about it"... he then went on to tell me about his cousin who was admitted into the hospital today. I responded appropriately and he told me of a cat that is hanging around our new business location. I ended the convo.

I was busy having dinner.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
I was preparing myself to settle in to re-read my posts to review from an unbiased opinion.

What was posted:

Upon my return it was recognized that my Xbf was back to wanting a R with me again. That I have grown & was capable of change. Watching and adjusting my behaviours that required changing worked and made me a better person (still under construction). I was congratulated. I was told he was moving in the right direction. & encouraged to continue without pressure (180).

I believed I was following good advice at that time.

What I also found was that a few opinions were posted that were not fact based and the other readers were misinformed & it steam-rolled into the telephone effect & went down hill from there.

I am only on page 2!!!

Other than the above, I am still able to take a few notes & accept truths:

1) I MATTER!
2) my needs come first
3) finalize business deal
4) prove my independence
5) watch for my co-dependency
6) give space/take space
7) let him lead... let me be HIS choice
8) I am interviewing him

I hope the above comment doesn't offend anyone. Matt stated:

"What offends is that you aren't able to understand that what YOU think is true may not be which is why you need advice in the first place. If you were looking at your sitch accurately you wouldn't need to ask for help at all." <<<<< SO then, lets look at my sitch accurately!!!

and Pearl stated:

"From my POV you say that you agree and understand and then you prove that you don't by continuing your same old actions and defending both them and your BF." <<< This is what lead me to want to re-read my posts... I do not intentionally want to defend my actions or his. I just feel the need to clarify sometimes.

Last edited by makingmagic; 10/05/14 05:19 AM.

M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
today:

He asked if I wanted to go to costco & home depot today. I accepted. He wanted to hear about how my house offering went..details. He volunteered how he spent his evening (pizza/beer/at home). We grabbed a coffee to go, he had fresh cookies ready with him. He seemed very interested but not pushy & somewhat curious about my not involving him in address, etc of the house I offered on. We also discussed our business deal and agreed we would finish it up this week (lets see). While entering a store he sarcastically commented something about guys bringing their wifes/gfs to this mens store. I gave a quick comment back & he commented about my "a$$ remark" I said something like he should appreciate that I am not one of those wives... then he said something about he feels he is appreciating me. I just said "good, keep it up". A little while later, I received a reminder text that I had a few other houses to view today & I ended our time short. We never did get to costco or home depot. He was going to go without me, but I asked to see if he would wait for me or go alone. I said I would call when I was done. I gave him a text about 45 mins later, he was still waiting for me. I suggested shopping with him another time this week. He said that the house stuff was more important. ... (I was surprised that he didn't go on his own). By this time, I had gone shopping with my DD & to think about the house I had just viewed. We were thinking of another offer. I involved him a little about the address & to go view online... he seemed interested and wanting some involvement.

It is very scary to be buying a house on my own. All I ever wanted was to be in a family home together... (sad)

I guess this is independence...


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard