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Joined: Feb 2013
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HI Eric & Starsky... I do not take your comment as 2x4, but as an outsiders view. For this, I thank you and will consider what you are saying.

Yes, I know that my needs for business have been delayed for a very long time. Actually "seeing" it on his physical written list is 180 for him. Hearing him bring it up the other day is 180 for him. I will see this thru.

I have approached him on this recently & continue to do so. My only other option is to "attack" thru the legal system to which I will not fair as well as if he "offers" what we have already in place from our meetings with a mediator. Also, I am approaching it gently and in a better way due to our re-connection. I am not prepared to be demanding... I just don't feel that this "fight" will help with our rebuilding. <<< this may come across as fear/scared to get what is rightfully mine. But, what other choice do I really have ATM? Isn't it better to see what he is willing to GIVE on his own accord? I have asked for what I need, he has heard me and "seems" to be prepared to act on it ... soon. Realistically, he does not have to do anything. However, that attitude will land in legal battle.

Yes, I notice that my needs are secondary.

I have been doing my part in OUTLASTING the crisis. In the meantime, I have learned to value myself, etc. Which is why I am stepping back and allowing him to follow forward and to actually get to chasing me. This takes a step from me (stepping back) to allow this to happen... HIS CHOICE!

Isn't it everyones goal on the MLC site to "wait" and outlast? I see his "crumbs" now as baby steps... What makes my sitch any different than the others on this site?

I do see that statement as co-dependent... I am AWARE that I said it and therefore, am careful. The old MM would have JUMPED right in. When I stated that, it was to point out how I NOW recognize some co-dependent behaviour & will keep that in check!! I am not going to accept his baby steps as a final way of life.. more as it is.... baby steps to SEE what comes next, if any at all. Each day offers a new gesture that makes me feel a little more confident in his desires for me/us. ... however, I will not have my head in the sand and think its the BE ALL/END ALL and jump right in... I am being cautious!

Please point out to me how I am settling for crumbs where the others on the MLC forum are being a lighthouse? how can I differ between crumbs & baby steps?..... I will want to watch for this!

Again, thank you for pointing out what you see.. obviously, I am able to easily slip back into old ways if not pointed out to me from time to time.

Today, I am skeptical.... its a safe place to be as it protects me.

Last edited by makingmagic; 10/01/14 05:30 PM.

M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
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Quote:
Isn't it everyones goal on the MLC site to "wait" and outlast?

Honestly….initially YES. IMO, that is because they are broken, hurt and scared. It is also because they believe in M or a lasting R. Now notice I said “initially”…what I believe happens in many cases (and FTR, I am not speaking for everyone this is just my feelings) is that they begin to heal and learn. Learn about the mistake they made, learn about how to face fear, learn about how to grow as a person…then they learn there true worth. It is usually at this point, that the tides begin to shift, they begin to realize that they cannot control another. That they need to be honest and face the fear of being true to their needs.

Quote:
I have learned to value myself, etc. Which is why I am stepping back and allowing him to follow forward and to actually get to chasing me.

Hey look MM, you know yourself better than me. I could be wrong. What I see though is a disconnect between your words and actions. You say you value yourself, yet you but yourself second. And second, not once, not twice, not for a week, not for a year, not for 5 years….no you have put your needs in the back burner. As Starsky wrote….maybe we are all mistaken, maybe your sole goal is to just get him back at any cost – even if that cost is the loss of your sense of self.

As Starsky wrote..if you are happy with the status quo – then go be happy. H*’ll I’m happy for ya.

IF you are not happy with the status quo…..

Quote:
I see his "crumbs" now as baby steps

Babies ultimately learn to run and walk. I do not know of any babies that are still crawling 20 years later. I also believe that you CONVICE yourself that these are baby steps, in part because you do not want to lose him at any cost. You are afraid…and IMO, that fear is what is keeping you stuck. Stuck in a cycle.

Quote:
What makes my sitch any different than the others on this site?

You have 2,494 posts – and imo, you are in no different a position than when you first arrived.
I have 2,812 posts

That said, this is not a post contest. The number of post were used to illustrate a point. At the end of the day, if it takes you a million post but you end up in a happier place – that is all that really matters.

Quote:
My only other option is to "attack" thru the legal system to which I will not fair as well as if he "offers" what we have already in place from our meetings with a mediator.

If standing up for what you believe in is “attacking” – then you are in for a long ride. You mentioned that you will not fair well. Once again, IMO, this shows how scared you are. You have put soo much into this business only to run the risk of losing it. So is your plan to wait it out, hope he wakes the f*ck up and gives you want you have worked so hard for? If so…..ummmmm….how’s that strategy working out for ya?

MM – I really do believe that you need to start planning a life without him…at least not with you as a partner….I believe you need to face the fears, which I can only imagine seem impossible to face….but….ohhh….sweetie…once you face them you are FREE. Honestly, it pains me to see you stuck. I so wish I could do something to get you to realize what so many others have seen.

I will pray for you MM.

Good luck and God Bless,


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Eric.... thats the thing, I have changed!! I am very different from when I arrived (although, still under construction & accepting advice)

Yes, babies learn how to eventually walk... the baby steps I am referring to are since BD, MLC & since reconnecting. It is VERY important that I give him the space to allow HIM to come forward without my pressure.

I am not afraid to lose him... I already lost him 2 years ago. I learned this during the many months on here.. when I started to call him my Xbf. I learned that I have NO control of what he does.... so, why concern myself with what he does when he is not with me. I have learned that I was manipulating and trying to control an outcome that was clearly OUT OF MY CONTROL... I gave up!

I do see myself as valuable & am being patient (180 for me) WHILE we are "working on us"... I just don't think that NOW that he is finally offering to GIVE me my business deal that it is the time to demand it. Its not fear, its timing now... I have been standing up for what I believe, and he is making movement towards it... He doesnt understand my reasoning on why I need the paperwork to be done before I take funds from our bank account. His actions show that he is prepared and he has sat down with me and reviewed the statements line by line so that we understand what we are signing, etc.

Now that we are re-connecting, do you really feel I need to plan a life without him? I mean, I am getting this business deal finalized so that I can buy a house.... So that I can be independent... this is facing a fear for me. I am planning a life.. with our without him.

The old MM would have "assumed" we were back together already & jumped full force into pressuring him & demanding that I move home or buy a house with me already. Putting pressure that we behave like a family again. I am looking at this differently now. I want to see his changes & to ensure that I will get all that I need.... because HE wants it too.

Last edited by makingmagic; 10/01/14 06:04 PM.

M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
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MM

At the end of the day....as long as you are happy with the approach and the direction you are headed then that is all that matters MM.

You just need to feel good about yourself.

smile


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
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Hi Eric,

At the end of the day... I am still unsure. I am not convinced I am happy with the approach and direction.

I do want to feel good about myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today's discussion: We were headed back to work after some "time away from work" at Costco. My RE agent sent me a new listing to review. This turned into a discussion of where we stood within our relationship.

Long story short: He reiterated that he does want to be in a living together situation again, that he really misses companionship of living together & wants that again... however, due to our current situation he feels we are not ready just yet. I see that!! He also says he probably won't be able to for another 2 years because of the commitment he has with his mom & the obligations of THAT house and our business.

THIS FREAKS ME OUT!!!... am I really supposed to wait 2 more years? I said that I want to live, sleep & cook for a family again. He said he did too, but figures we can sleep at each others house till that time comes.

When "trying" to discuss some RE options.. he claimed "PRESSURE" and of course, I got upset wondering how to have this convo and find a solution that works for both.

He gets annoyed and wants the convo to end. He feels I am being the same MM that doesn't know when to quit the conversation (old bull dog approach). I get defensive and stand there stunned wondering what to say or do next. I said something good, but cannot recall what was said... his response was calmer & that he just really needs a vacation and he that he needs to calm down & said that he realizes that we need to talk more about this stuff. He comes over to hug & kiss me goodbye. I was standoffish... and said "really?" and gave a return cold hug.

I am "thinking" of sending a text:

"Our discussion today left me feeling confused. You claim pressure from me and I wonder if you see the pressure I have from you as well as my parents. Living with my parents has become a daily struggle. I understand this is not your problem and I have been keeping it from you. Pressure to buy now into a house that does not serve us in a family life style, because we are not able to be open and discuss to find a solution that may work.... <<< this is pressure for me.


I am doing all I can to balance things. I feel I am being forced to buy NOW into 2 house styles that I really don't want as my end result, which is how a 3rd option presented itself today. I was hoping to review options. I honestly feel that if I buy on my own then that seals the deal on us building a life together. As our relationship is not ready, I feel that we are pretty much where we were 20 years ago. I feel that if I buy my own place then this states that we are not taking a leap of faith and are choosing to live separate lives. That we are not coming together towards a common goal. By saying this I am telling you how I feel. Communicating. I am only explaining how I feel and my position. It is not suggesting or pushing. It is upsetting to hear that this kind of discussion pressures you when I am letting you be aware of how I am feeling. I am looking for mutual satisfying solutions... that is all"

I don't know if I really need to send this ... or if I just needed to get it out of my head and off my chest.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
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he just randomly texted:

Him: Work thing just went well. Cheers!
Me: Glad to hear that.
Me: I am bothered by our convo tonight. I feel pressure to buy a house NOW. and I can't discuss it with you. Its upsetting.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
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Posts: 2,561
He writes:

No pressure
Its your choice
You have been shopping for one?

I want to write:

by buying on my own, I feel that we are making a choice to be separate instead of discussing some options that are satisfying to both.

any suggestions?


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
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But you are still separated, buy sow thing that's going to suit mm!

You can re sell rent to consider other options if things change dramatically.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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hi GG!! I get that... I just was hoping to eliminate the stepping stone & reach toward the goal instead. "IF" we were both ultimately reaching for that!!

I replied: I am struggling to find a satisfying solution.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
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dont pressure him.

Listen to him, he is not ready.

He is moving in the right direction.

Live in the Now


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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