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Hi Starsky... thats exactly what we had.. a long term monogamous relationship. I want that back.... just better.

This time, it will be within our own home. That's all I NEED. I don't necessarily require
"marriage"... but it would be nice.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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Then color me totally confused. I thought you came here saying that you wanted more than what he'd been able to commit to all these years, and asking for advice how to do that. At first I thought that was marriage, and then one day I thought you clarified and said it didn't have to be marriage, but you two would have to be exclusive (monogamous), and that he wasn't willing to offer that, and we will advising you to hold firm in standing for what YOU needed in a relationship.

Now you seem to just be back to wanting what you had, back.

Whatever.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I came here because he left our totally monogamous exclusive long term relationship.... He was no longer wanting to be in our relationship. He went into MLC. .... I came here wanting him & my relationship back.

I never said that he wasn't exclusive (monogamous). He was faithful & loyal for 20+ years. & inspite the MLC, he still is.

Throughout the forum, it came up that we were never married. I had said that sure, I would have liked to be married & in fact pushed for it at times. However, realizing that "marriage" didn't have to BE, as long as I had the right "relationship" & the right man.... This was the relationship & He was that man... I compromised my dream of marriage for the reality of a good relationship/person. Maybe I could have had both... but I had been married before & wasn't prepared to let "marriage" be a block over loyalty/faithfulness.

Due to MLC and our separation, he was no longer willing to be in our relationship... He did "think" the grass was greener & that he was missing out on "LIFE" , he felt the need to explore... however, he did not put forth much real effort & stayed "faithful". He didn't "do that" or anything close to it, with anyone else. He just didn't want to... I guess.

What we "had" was good. Yes, I do want that back.... only better. I want "my" new changes/behaviours to be present in a new relationship. I want "his" attention/desires to come back to me. "to water his own grass" & appreciate me. <<< This is what I was wanting and was trying to achieve.

Our re-connecting began because HE suggested that we "see how it goes" in an exclusive setting. I agreed to it.

Yes, you were advising me to hold firm in what I needed in a relationship... which was getting his commitment back into it. Much like everyone else in the MLC group... we "wait" like a lighthouse for them to come back.

Last edited by makingmagic; 10/01/14 01:46 PM.

M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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That's not how I "remember" it but OK.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I am sorry for your confusion... I know it must be difficult remembering all the stories and keeping them straight on this website.

Would it help if I clarified something for you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know that I am capable of & easily falling into believing "words" again... I must remain skeptical. He needs to prove himself to me. I need to remember how he has hurt me & that I cannot bank on his words.

I am just too eager to believe how "wonderful" he is ....I must see him for who he is... even the not so nice stuff.

I cannot allow myself to believe what my heart wants to feel at this time. I need to have EYES WIDE OPEN & take care of myself.

Proceed with caution.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: makingmagic

Would it help if I clarified something for you?




Oh, probably not. smirk


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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LOL... are you having an "off" day?

crazy


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Oct 2013
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reading through this situation I think Magic has showed that she is capable of change. Changing direction and prioritizing our needs and wants is good. I would not want to be held to my thoughts and plans and words from a year ago. Nothing can be written in stone.

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MM

Not trying to hand out 2x4’s here, I just want to show you what I see.

Quote:
The business issues were delayed due to our new business location. It was his comment yesterday to state that he has not forgotten our business deal & we will proceed again soon towards the legal document. I have noticed it on his "list" of things to do.

It has been on his list for a long time. Notice how YOU have to keep waiting. Notice how YOUR needs are secondary.

Quote:
The waiting, waiting, waiting is par for the course... isn't it? Waiting for him to finish his MLC. I now see that my journey during this time was to learn about my impatience, control & manipulation and a few other ugly behaviours that I didn't know existed. Due to my old behaviours of "chasing", etc... it is MY GOAL, my desire/need to be pursued... to allow HIM to control the pace, the affection, the offerings, etc... as I seemed to have held those jobs in our previous relationship. Both him and I need to know what HE wants, what HE chooses, etc. ... I just really need to pay attention.

Honestly, I find this response interesting. Yes, the saying around these neck of the wood is that you need to try and OUTLAST someone’s crisis. That is correct. The piece though that you are missing are the other sayings…..like…..learn what it is YOU want, learn to stand on your own, learn that YOU have value, etc. I’ll get back to this in a second.

Quote:
my desire/need to be pursued

I guess I have a different opinion of pursued. To me, if someone is pursuing me..they are ACTIVELY chasing me. NOT just when they feel like it. More on this in a sec.

Quote:
to allow HIM to control the pace, the affection, the offerings, etc ... as I seemed to have held those jobs in our previous relationship. Both him and I need to know what HE wants, what HE chooses, etc. ... I just really need to pay attention.

That may be your goal. Personally, I think it more about YOUR fear of losing him than it is about finding your own happiness. ONE PERSON having the control in a R is NOT healthy. To me, it seems like you are content to sit around and wait for the crumbs that he is willing the throw your way. That IMO, is not healthy. I believe that a good R is one where the control can shift between partners – with both people’s needs being met. A give and take if you will. You see from where I sit, I see the same pattern of behavior in you. You want more, he says no, you push, he then give you a crumb and tells you that you just need to wait, you settle for the crumbs and the cycle continues. The only way this will change is when YOU really do.

You said earlier…that you needed to wait. Ummm…is 20 years long enough? What if he decided to finally address the business issues…ummm…say 10 years from now, when the company is almost insolvent. What then? YOU still gonna wait. Honestly MM, you are so afraid and that my dear is the one issues that holds you back and it will continue to as long as you avoid facing your fear.


Quote:
Under the advice of my councellor, I have been told to be the loving MM that I am & want to be, to be playful sexually, and be the best MM that I am... HERE IS MY CHANCE that I have been longing for. However, to also keep a close eye, be alert/aware & to write things down (good & bad) and to not 'nag' about what I don't like along the way (for now). I think the writing down part is to remind myself of what the truths are (atm) so that I don't get sucked into believing a fantasy & that he is just soo amazing (NOT). For me to really see him as he is...not who I want him to be. For me to take account of the whole picture at the end of a suitable time frame and re-evaluate... but, not complain about it until the ending. Just continue to do/be my best.... and watch.

IMO, your councellor is wrong in a way. Yes…be you, be happy, live life, enjoy it. What they are not telling you is that YOU matter. YOUR needs matter. That you do not have to tolerate this crap. That you do not have to settle for crumbs.


Quote:
So.. am I ok with the status quo? I dunno. I can see myself easily ignoring all his current faults just to be eager to be back together/around him.

What does this ^^^^ tell YOU? “just eager to back together/around him”. IMO, it screams CO DEPENDANT. It’s sad MM, it really is – not just for you but also for the poor man out there that would probably give you so much love…but you’ll never meet him…cause your waiting. Scared to stand up for yourself.


One day MM…you are gonna wake up and realize just how much you gave up for crumbs. I pray that this day comes sooner rather than later for your sake. I am not trying to be a downer here…I just do not see you moving forward in facing the tough stuff you have to.

God Bless,


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Just want to make one small change to the otherwise-excellent observations by Eric, above:


Quote:
Personally, I think it more about YOUR fear of losing him than it is about finding your own happiness. ONE PERSON having the control in a R is NOT healthy. To me, it seems like you are content to sit around and wait for the crumbs that he is willing the throw your way. That IMO, is not healthy. I believe that a good R is one where the control can shift between partners – with both people’s needs being met. A give and take if you will. You see from where I sit, I see the same pattern of behavior in you. You want more, he says no, you push, he then give you a crumb and tells you that you just need to wait, *you give to us here multiple explanations and excuses and point out using WORDS all of the new insights you now have as to why this all EVENTUALLY won't be good enough for you, all while* you settle for the crumbs

Last edited by Starsky309; 10/01/14 04:26 PM.

M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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