Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
RAI #2509758 11/21/14 09:35 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 273
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 273
Originally Posted By: RAI
NewB3,

thanks for the support and advice. What is a Pro-se? I may reach out to you as we head into mediation.

RAI


Pro se legal representation (/ˌproʊ ˈsiː/ or /ˌproʊ ˈseɪ/) means advocating on one's own behalf before a court, rather than being represented by a lawyer.


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Sorry- I went back and re-read your thread and I see you've already talked to a DB coach - have you spoken with them again lately?

Originally Posted By: raliced
Originally Posted By: RAI
Raliced,

It does not feel like a 2x4 because you are 100% right. She has a right to resent me and I obviously had a *huge* listening problem. If that is the case, maybe going dark is not the right thing to do now. Maybe I should be more active in partnering with her as a dad. I really want to change (otherwise, I would not be here right now). I have been working on myself. Trying to GAL. But I am in purgatory - the waiting place (from Dr. Seuss's "Oh the places you'll go"). How do I act? how do I "be"? what do I say? She is still seeing OM. She made no indication to the contrary. Do I just wait?

What outward signs can I show her that I am changing, even if she still decides to D?



RAI - You would probably really benefit from the DB coaching service. I used it and so have many of the other posters here. I think for you especially, it might be soothing, because you get an actionable plan of "what to do".


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
R
RAI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
I just spoke to the DB coach last week. We agreed that I need to try to be more civil to my W. I think I am getting the hang of it this weekend. When I think of how I've been all these years, I see my W in a more sympathetic light and that helps a bit. I guess I can thank you folks for that. I feel like I am stuck in a pendulum where I swing back and forth blaming my W to blaming myself.

Aside from that, we are having our first meeting with the mediator on 12/4. I am dreading it. I just have to go with the flow for now I guess. As far as solution-oriented goals, I don't have much. We are moving in a direction, just not in the direction I wanted.

We are actually going to a scholarship dinner tomorrow night. I guess it is sort of a date. Any ideas how to capitalize on this?
RAI
PS thanks for the kick in the pants


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
R
RAI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
Newb3,
Pro se Sounds risky. I have already retained a lawyer as has my W. Everything looks like an expensive proposition. This is so bizarre because my W is usually so frugal. I don't think I would be comfortable representing myself, tho.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2510102 11/23/14 05:55 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
RAI - Just a couople of thought for you. Have you read the 5 Love Languages (Chapman) yet? I'm not sure it would immediately help with your wife- but there is a book specifically geared towards speaking the correct love language with your children and doing that might be a very visible change for your wife to notice, not to mention being a great thing for your kids at this challenging time.

Also - and I offer this from a place of great respect - you mentioned that you are a physician? IRL, I am a Quality Analyst for a large healthcare group and I have learned that in order to be effective in my job, I have had to tailor my communications to the doctors. Namely, I am deferential, I constantly acknowledge the difficulty of practicing medicine, I constantly reassure that I am not telling anyone how to practice medicine and I dispassionately present a lot of facts. Possibly - you may look at having to do the inverse. Is it at all possible that when you converse with your wife, you are at least partially using your clinical Drs voice? If there is any chance that you are doing this, you will want to be aware of it and learn to address her more as a peer. I mention this because my STBX is a deputy sheriff and throughout the years he did sometimes slip into using his "cop voice" (emotionless and just the facts) and I can tell you that while its understandable that we can carry these tones over from our working life, it did not go over well with me.

With 5 kids and your profession, I am sure you are busy, but what have you considered in terms of GAL?

Last edited by raliced; 11/23/14 05:56 AM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
R
RAI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
Hi Raliced,

Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.

we had our first long conversation in a long time. I tried to not focus on what she is doing to me and our family, although I could not help alluding to it. Instead I focused on her and tried to validate her feelings. I told her that her behavior has been inconsistent and that I am concerned that one day she may realize she is making a tragic mistake. I sympathized with her that she may be feeling lost and confused, but that she should sort out her emotions before committing to divorce. I asked her for insight, but she provided none. I asked her if she is struggling with addiction to the OM or depression. I offered to help her, but gently reminded her that I am the only person on the planet – HER H! – to whom she no longer listens. I told her – as if she needed to hear it – that I am a good person, and that I will not impede the divorce even though I think it is wrong. However, I also reassured her that I, and the children, will survive. She seems to have not noticed or cared that I have not had any intimacy in the last six months, so I gently reminded her to be patient with me as it has been a very hard year for me. I told her I used to enjoy being intimate with her, and she said she also enjoyed it. Lastly, I told her that if she is interested in reengaging in our relationship, there will need to be clear boundaries. She cried for a bit. She came over and hugged me. She asked me why I am being so kind to her. I replied that I am trying hard to appreciate the godly spark in her even though she erred (or errs). She told me she needed time to think. I told her that I do not have an ultimatum for her. I just wanted to make it clear to her that our relationship is important to me and that I feel that divorce will ultimately be harmful to her, me, our children and the rest of our family. I wanted to leave her an opening to re-engage in the marriage if she has the courage to do so, but that we will proceed with the mediation process if that is what she wants, and I am ready for it. I then went to sleep, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

I know I did not adhere to the DB playbook, but it was the first time that she looked at me - really looked at me, and saw her spouse, and not her victimizer - in a long time. She apologized, without making any indication that she will change her present course of action. It seems like she knows what she is doing, she feels bad about it, but not bad enough to do anything about it. Since this conversation, it is business as usual. We are co-parenting a bit more, I suppose - last night we began planning S12s Bar-Mitzvah. She gave away the cat that she impetuously adopted 3 months ago. She was so sad about it. I wanted to ask her how she has no qualms about getting rid of me, but I bit my tongue. Yesterday she was wearing a not-very-modest-mini. She changed so much. So hard to detach.

As far as GAL, I am learning bible with a pal at 6AM every morning. He knows about the infidelity, but we really don't talk about it too much. I just enjoy learning with him. I am also working out about twice a week. I like my new physique. I am playing with my S3 very frequently. He is now requesting to be with me more often, which makes me feel good, because he is typically joined to W at the hip. I am teaching my S12 for his Bar-Mitzvah - no small task - and this has been a bonding experience. I want more GAL experiences, but I just can't seem to identify them. I also don't want to do something that will take me away from my kids.

Our first mediation appt is this Thursday. I am very anxious about it. I am not sure how/whether to prepare for it. Also Ws birthday in in 2 weeks. Not sure what to do? a card? a gift? I feel like I have to do something. Any suggestions?

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2513457 12/03/14 10:44 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
R
RAI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
Received the following from my W.

"What time is mediation tomorrow. If I had a choice I would not like (S12) to have divorced parents at his bar mitzvah. I don't think that is fair to him or you. I would like to be able to work on this bar mitzvah with you but I think we should still meet with the mediator to find out what's involved and what we need to do. Please write back.

So thoughtful of her (sarcasm intended). She wants to "work" with me, but not be married to me. I am just going with the flow. I wrote back the time and location for our mediation appt.

Please, if anyone has advice going into my first mediation appointment? I am so nervous about it. Also, as I asked above, does anyone have any suggestion about what to do when my Ws birthday rolls around? It is in 2 weeks.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2513813 12/04/14 09:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
R
RAI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
First mediation session was today. It is scary how ill-informed W is about the realities of D. She is already asking the mediator whether it is appropriate for me to come over to her house and help the kids with their homework. uggh. Worse, she does not seem to realize what a financial blow this will be. She thinks she will be able to maintain her present lifestyle and afford a D. Baby sitters, cleaning lady, she has the whole house to herself in the morning. It is obvious from even a superficial glance at our existing finances that sacrifices are going to have to be made. We have 5 children in private school, we will have two mortgages. Now add attorney fees, mediation costs, counseling sessions, probably counseling for the older children. She wants me to pay for the mediation. She wants to send the kids to summer camp. She wants... she wants... she wants. I told her she will need to get a job. She is reluctant because our S3 is still at home part of the day. But you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. Yet she remains undeterred. detach...detach...detach...

It has been a very difficult day, but I suppose I got through it intact. what is wrong with her???

I vacillate between wanting this over ASAP so I can move on, and drawing it out further in the hopes of an epiphany that may never come. I feel like such a sucker. On the bright side, I had a session with my IC right after the mediation. He is a sympathetic ear. tonight I want to go to my S12s basketball game and maybe fit some fitness activity in for myself. need to GAL and soon.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2513888 12/05/14 12:58 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
condolences RAI. i'm in the same boat. you can lead a horse to water, etc. etc. etc.

praying for you


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
R
RAI Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
Hey Bravo,

Thanks for the support. It is coming just as I needed it. I will pray for you too.
I went to my S12 b-ball game then fell asleep twice tonight. Once in the sofa and once in S12s bed as I was putting him to bed. I don't recall whether I also fell asleep putting D5 to bed also. So much for fitness activity tonight. I knew I would be emotionally drained, but I didn't think I'd be physically drained as well from this. My new GAL activity may be napping.

RAI

P.S. Thanks for the sign of life. I was beginning to think I was hosting a dead thread out here. I will check out your thread.


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard