RAI, you've been in moderation so likely nobody has seen your posts. I'm sorry about that. Please keep posting, and check out other people's threads, that's the best way to get people to comment on yours.
WRT to emailing the mediator and your W, have you done that yet? What did you say?
It's hard to give input without details about what you're looking for advice on. Follow what's in the book. Know that you WILL make more mistakes and forgive yourself for that, just commit to continually doing better and ultimately you will.
Your sitch is very recent and I'm sure it's stopped you dead in your tracks. You are in good company here. Keep posting. I'll keep an eye out for you.
Hugs.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
what does that mean "to be in moderation"? did I write something improper or controversial? How long will my posts remain in moderation? Sorry, I am just not BB savvy.
I don't know how long I will be in moderation and I feel like I am posting to a wall, but I am going to continue posting with the hope that I will eventually get a response.
When I last spoke to DB coach about a week ago, I was advised to ask my W again if she still wants to proceed with mediation and D. W was very taken aback by the question. A few days later she said we should make an appt. I told her I would proceed and I emailed the mediator. I firmly stated to W that I do not feel D is the right thing to do.
Now that I have agreed to WAWs demand that we proceed with mediation, I am not sure how to gauge what she is thinking. If you read my previous posts, she seems to have some regret for hurting me. She may even regret the current course of action (towards D), but I don't know. Is she is thinking about changing her current course of action? Things are a bit more civil in the home, and I get a sense that she would like to communicate more but does not know how. It could also be wishful thinking. Since I stopped checking the odometer on my car and I am suppressing my paranoia, I don't know if she is still seeing OP. Perhaps she is experiencing confusion and I do not know it. Perhaps she is distancing herself from him? Again, I have no clue. I do not know how to communicate with her anymore. I worry that she thinks herself unworthy of me now and feels forced to proceed down the path towards D.
meanwhile, the mediator is emailing us to make sure we received his emails, asking why we have not yet fixed a date/time for our first appointment. I don't know if I should reply. I do not want to be perceived as dragging my feet, but I also don't want to push the process forward. This is her decision, let her plan it.
To add to my confusion, she just emailed me the following: "I deposited $800 in our bank account today. It is from my business. Have a good day. Thank you for making the girls weekend so much fun." (edited for anonymity) I have no clue whether or how to reply.
My indecision and uncertainty regarding what is going on in her head is causing me not to answer anything which could make things worse. I continue to work on myself, but I feel like we are growing still more distant (if that is possible).
Is there anyone with experience who can help me with next steps.
RAI,
P.S. Please tell me if I should re-post elsewhere. I feel like my thread is dead.
what does that mean "to be in moderation"? did I write something improper or controversial? How long will my posts remain in moderation? Sorry, I am just not BB savvy.
RAI
No, you didn't do anything wrong. Moderation just means that your first few posts have to be approved by a moderator. It happens to everyone. Just keep posting.
I'm not an expert, but just in the interests of throwing something out there (vets may have a better suggestion), I would respond to the mediator like so, ccing your W:
Thank you for following up. I'm going to leave the communications in W's hands since she has the more demanding schedule.
And then back off. If she wants to pursue it, she can, if she wants to let it drop then she can communicate that herself.
And WRT the email you quoted above, it is always good to be polite and responsive. Thanking her is not a distancing action.
Keep posting more details about the problems in your M, you'll be out of moderation soon. Responding to other people's threads also will shorten the time needed to get out of moderation.
Hang in there!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
After I found out about the A, I started to watch our joint bank account. I noticed that W was making small withdrawals that added up to $1800 over a two month period. This was not typical of her because she has a checkbook and credit cards, so there was no need to withdraw such a large amount of cash. I never limited her spending before. I confronted her and she said she would return the cash. She returned about $1500. I don't know and won't speculate on what she was going to do with the money, but I decided to move my money into a separate account and just feed money into our joint account as needed. My attorney supported this plan.
Now I find myself in an unusual situation. I don't know what to do when the balance in her account gets low. She spent $180 at a fancy shoe store. Do I need to "reimburse" her for it? She spent $675 on her annual life insurance premium. Do I need to add that amount back into our joint account? There are other examples, but you get the picture. Today, for the first time, she deposited $800 into the joint account - from her small home business.
We are still married, but to what extent do I have to provide for her? at what point does it become cake-eating? She is worried about the expense of the divorce, but has not qualms about spending on fancy up-to-the-knee boots. Ugg. (pun intended)
I am still early in the DB process. But I wanted to know what is the general approach to involvement of the OM in the children's lives.
To elaborate, my W's A partner was a good friend of ours. He and his STBXW were at our house all the time. Our children played together. We still see him at community events all the time. My kids still occasionally ask why they can't have play dates with his kids. My kids still say hi to him when they see him. To my knowledge, my wife is keeping her A activity and OM separate from the children. I do not think she is actively trying to bring him back into their lives, but I can't be certain. I obviously don't want him around us at all. He seduced my wife and destroyed two families in the process. Even his STBXW wants to be friends with my W again - no clue why - must be needy. I would be willing to move, just so I would never have to see his ugly face again. of course, my wife is suddenly in love with our town and would be unwilling to move.
I don't mind if my W wants to continue seeing him or even marry him - that's her mistake to make. I am working on myself and preparing for the likely D that is coming. But I don't want him or his family involved in my children's lives in any way. One reason is because I don't want him influencing my children in any way - he has already proven himself to be a manipulative liar. Another reason, admittedly, is because I would be terrified at the thought of my children being buddies with him.
Is there any way that I can set a boundary to protect my kids from his vile influence. Can I specify in the mediation process that I don't want him near my children? Do I have to just accept that my W wants to be with this sleaze and let the chips fall where they may? I have told my wife that I do not want him around the children. I have no idea if she is complying. Are there any threads or comprehensive posts on this topic?
