1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 6

[mdu]

H and I have been texting for over an hour. Just a bunch of silly, goofy stuff like the unfortunate effects of eating too many jalapeños.

I think it's good...although I also keep thinking this is not very sexy or mistress like. But maybe that's ok, part of the benefit of a long term marriage is you are comfortable talking about all sorts of goofy stuff, right?

Btw, for the men, if a guy's LL is words of affirmation I gotta imagine compliments about sex are likely the ultimate in filling their love tanks, yes?

[wmwb123]

Btw, for the men, if a guy's LL is words of affirmation I gotta imagine compliments about sex are likely the ultimate in filling their love tanks, yes?

Yes, that would be awesome.

[mdu]

Having a good day so far. Went to the kids soccer games. Things seem so much more relaxed between H and I. He invited me out to ice cream with he and the kids tonight but I declined, have plans already

Heading to a friends tonight for a bon fire party. Looking forward to enjoying some s'mores martinis

[mdu]

Having a rough morning. H & I talked over the weekend about the A & us. He's going to get some references for MC so we can begin to seriously work on things. I should b happy but i feel the resentment starting to erupt over all that's happening. He shared more things that he lied about previously. Ugh he's done just damage on top of dsmage! How do I cope with all this?? Really facing what he has done is awful

[Barrybran]

I hope I'm not oversimplifying this but you have two choices: to look back or look forward. There's absolutely no doubt that you and your H have to deal with all the concerns and fears you both have. Ultimately, the success or failure of your marriage will come down to which direction you both want to head in and if you can deal with things in a manner consistent with that direction.

Just remember how he responds to your timetables and pressure. Deal with one day at a time. You're in a great spot, mdu. Keep him on that hook.

[mdu]

Thanks so much Barrybran. Simple and wise, very helpful!

I am extra anxious this week because H has a company outing on Wednesday and OW will be there. It will be ~40 people so he can easily avoid her but I wish he were not going at all, and frankly resent that he is. He seems to think it would look too strange to colleagues if he did not go. Plus I imagine at this point it's all paid for so he can't back out. Gosh I wish this woman would just disappear. It feels like it would be a heck of a lot easier to get over!

[zew]

mdu, Barrybran is absolutely correct.

With every new day you get to decide whether you want to clutter it with the past. I'm not suggesting you forget and sweep things under the carpet, but dragging resentment around leads nowhere.

Your H is starting to do the work of recognizing what he's done and starting to repair it. You are going to have to learn to trust him, little bits at a time. Send him off to the company outing. See if he comes back and tells you all about it, and puts your mind at ease. If so, you're one step forward.

On the other hand, if you prevent him from going, you stay stuck in fear, and he'll feel controlled. Not what you want.

Of course you wish the OW would disappear, but she isn't going to. Keep in mind that in the battle for your H, you won. She's road kill, let her go.

[Starsky309]

That's great advice, Zew.

[unbidden]

I've always found MWD's article on forgiveness to be the most help moving forward:

Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself
By Michele Weiner-Davis

Are you someone who walks around feeling angry with your spouse or loved one much of the time? Do you have a little inner voice that constantly reminds you of all of his or her wrongdoings? Have you become expert at remembering all the minute details of past injustices just so that you can keep score? If this describes you at all, you better read what I'm about to say and take it to heart.

Lack of forgiveness imprisons you. It takes its toll on your physical and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts. No matter how justified you feel about your point of view regarding your partner's insensitive behavior, you still are miserable. When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life. You walk around with a low-grade depression. You can't feel joy because you're too busy being angry or feeling disappointed.

In the face of these fairly obvious disadvantages, you hang on to your belief that, since you feel let down, you must not "give in." To you, giving in means forgiving, letting go, making peace. To do so, would be tantamount to giving up your soul. So, you keep your distance. You interact in perfunctory ways, never allowing your partner to step over the emotional line you've drawn. And though the distance often feels intolerable, forgiveness is not on your short list of solutions to your dilemma.

I have worked with so many couples who say they want to heal their relationships. And yet, when they're offered the tools, they can't seem to move forward. These are the couples who, instead of finding effective ways to get beyond blame, continue to repeat their mantra, "Our problems are your fault and you must pay." As long as they maintain this mindset, they are doomed to failure. How very sad. Even sadder are their children who, on a day-by-day basis observe their parents being "right" but "miserable." What lessons are they learning about love?

If any of this strikes a chord with you (and you wouldn't be reading this if it didn't), you need to internalize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Letting go of resentment can set you free. It can bring more love and happiness into your life. It opens the door to intimacy and connection. It makes you feel whole. Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge. The person most hurt by holding out or blaming is YOU, no matter what the circumstances.

"All this sounds good," you tell yourself, "but how can I ever forget what my partner did to me?" Good question. You don't! Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. You will probably always remember the particular injustice(s) that drove you into your corner. But what will happen is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the event(s) begin to fade. You will feel happier, lighter, more loving. And these renewed positive feelings won't go unnoticed. Others will be drawn to you.

Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn't a feeling. It is a decision. You decide that you are going to start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it isn't easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future.

So promise yourself, that no matter what the reason, you will not go another day blaming your partner and feeling lonely. Make peace. Make up. Make love. I promise you that the benefits of deciding to forgive go far beyond anything you can picture in your mind's eye at the moment. Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life.

[mdu]

Thanks everyone. Great advice, as always.

I especially appreciate your point Zew that I should not try to prevent H from going to the outing. I have literally been on the verge of calling H and demanding he not go so you're really timely. You're right, I don't want to live in fear and I know H will resent it if I try to control him.