Fair enough, but that's not my plan. When I say that I will ask him the other questions I really mean when the time seems right and he's open to discussing things that might help us, it could be WEEKS from now. I have no plan to pin him down and grill him. I am in complete agreement that is counterproductive.
I have been trying a strategy of when I have questions or concerns I write them down (so I won't ruminate over them -- but by documenting it I know I will address it at *some* point) and then periodically try to weave into the convo with H when he seems receptive.
I also try to consciously think of the 5 to 1 positive to negative ratio. So when something gets tough between us I try to get us and keep us in positive for a while before attempting tough again. With that in mind, I definitely have no plans to ask him any more 'heavy' questions for at least several days, if not a week or more, if necessary.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I honestly don't understand why you can't just let things be? Can you stop and think about that for a bit. Why can't you just let things rest right now? Things seem to be going well yet you post message after message scheming to push things in one direction and to get more info to satiate your anxiety. Why can't you just rest with your anxiety and let whatever arises move you to being a better/stronger person in dealing with uncertainty? Every message you post is premised on some kind of control of the situation. I know this is hard and you seem to be doing so great, why do this now?
I have been trying a strategy of when I have questions or concerns I write them down (so I won't ruminate over them -- but by documenting it I know I will address it at *some* point) and then periodically try to weave into the convo with H when he seems receptive.
Just a thought- I read an article recently in which the H who had an A started a private blog for his W only. He used it to answer all the questions she had, but answered as he was ready. It seemed to work for both of them as the H didn't feel attacked and the W slowly received her answers.
Also, back to your list - points 1 and 3 are positive, and related to you as a couple going forward meeting needs. Those are softballs.
Points 2 and 4 invite comparison of you and OW, all the while poking a sharp stick at H for what he did. They vividly bring OW back to life. And one of the things he liked about OW was that she wasn't the Spanish Inquisition. Those two points are land mines, for way down the road, after he's back in the house, and after you yourself can go for weeks on end without thinking of OW. I don't think you are anywhere near ready to talk about OW because it will set you into a tailspin.
Believe it or not unbidden...this IS me trying to rest with things and slow down. Typically I'd be going at it MUCH more aggressively. It's very helpful feedback to hear it's still not slow enough. I'll keep working at it.
Zew, I really appreciate the feedback on points 2 & 4. I did start to realize that about point #4 but notsomuch about #2, it's good to have that perspective.
Thanks again all!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
mdu, maybe it would be easiest to pull back for a second and think of it like this: you're still supposed to be in re-attraction mode. You're not necessarily in the stage of your M/S where you guys are actively and deliberately committed to "working on things," right? Or did I miss something?
Too much "heavy" stuff too soon, like the guys said, is not a good move.
You'll have many opportunities to work on those heavy issues once H is fully re-committed.
In the meantime, ask yourself if your goal is to try to foster more communication with H because that's something your relationship was missing and he received from OW *or* if you're trying to ask questions (under the guise of fostering more communication) but you're really fishing for information/answers/assurances and/or nudging H.
If you're trying to open the door for more communication, definitely start out with MUCH lighter talks than R or OW talks. You want your conversations to attract H back to the M, not make him feel awkward or cornered. Any mention of the A - whether the WAS admits it or not - brings up a lot of shame and guilt in them. And I think it's way too early for you to put a mirror (or microscope) in front of H at this stage; he's probably doing enough of that himself.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
