WAW - One month in but looking for coping advice

[edz]

Contacted W off the cuff yesterday to see if S was free to go out to dinner as fanicied being out of the house. She came back to say she's already started dinner prep (about 3pm) so I said no biggie let me know about today or tomorrow. Left it at that.

This morning she came back to say this evening is ok but try for some vegetables! So dinner with S tonight!

Still no movement whatsoever on my sitch that I can see, trying to detatch and give her space in anything not relating to S or money (no choice on the latter except to drop her right in it with her credit rating by just cancelling her payments!) I feel im fighting on two fronts since Im trying to DB and BTMOAFWL but trick balancing act to do that and also get more time with S without pushing too hard (thats a whole other issue since W home educates with MIL all week).

So on the whole, great I'll be seeing S tonight, will be fun. The rest, well, I cant DO anything except be the best me and keep grinding at the 180s/GAL I'm so afraid that I'll end up without W but at least I'll have a great relationship with my S which is far stronger and better than it was before BD. I just wish I could have both, greedy me..

Thanks All

[South74]

Hope you have a great evening with S.

I will wish and hope for both of us that we can have both .

[edz]

Thanks South.

Was great fun, burger for me, hot dog for him, ice cream milkshakes and an icecream sundae for him (I somehow ended up with the childs free waffle, not sure how that happened!)

Odd comment from W which Im not reading anything into, When I ask about picking S up I always make a no strings extention to W (as per book and the 37 - if, when, she says no its no biggie and I move on and we have fun) this time she said she might come next week, well first I hadnt planned anything and second MIL and FIL are both away next week. As I said not having an expectation but thought it was a change and therefore interesting. I was of course tidy, showered after work, shaved and dressed nicely (casual but nicely) as I always am around her, just in case.

Sounds like theyre off out for the day tomorrow with one of her friends from HE and her children. S tried to invite me but I made a polite excuse in front of him to save W from having to play the heavy, texted W this evening to say we had fun and if she wanted me to come along Id be happy to but I didnt want her to feel awkward in front of S and left it at that.

Interesting and fun evening, as always a little bit of a let down when I head back here to the empty place but less so than it used to be, I'll crack open a beer in a mo as its a friday.

Seeing S again sunday for waterpark fun (cold allowing) so I'll get the car washed and spruced up tomorrow - weather allowing - and try, oh try, to chill out for the day..

Cheers all

[edz]

Well tried to chill out today but fill it with as much to do as possible (if that makes sense)

Had a slow start to today as tomorrow will be a busy one, walked into the nearby shops and got my hair cut (one of my 180s - personal grooming) walked back (nice couple of miles exercise there. Washed the car by hand (more exercise) grocery shopping and now a retro tv evening (real cheesey 80s stuff from my media system)

W was up at portsmouth today (I believe she said they were off to see the mary rose etc but apart from a text this morning saying I didnt need to worry about the car oil as her friend was bringing her people carrier (SUV) and asking what time Im picking S up tomorrow for the water park Ive heard nothing but I also havent resorted to the old ways of texting, texting and more texting either.

Doing some thinking on my 180s tonight, want to see how what I want to do and what Im doing match up.

[edz]

So my 180s in reverse order of importance

***1***. Relationship with S, the major issue my W has brought up in her first (4 days in) and all subsequent conversations.

I now see that I was often dismissive, used various work and other issues as excuses to not spend more time with him as well as frustration (in W pushing me away while appearing (to me) to over-organise S's time) showing as me being short tempered or over reacting to him (it should be noted even W admits S is a dramatic and will, as a lot of children, manipulate either of us - and indeed she has seen this with MIL and FIL recently - if it suits him - i.e. playing us against each other to get gaming time). I never, ever hit him or got abusive (thank god) but I can see I was massively dissmissive and overreactive to an extent where I can see why he wasnt sure where he stood with me

So, me, what have *I* changed?

>No time limits (from me)
on the time he gets, work is no longer a driving force (beyond being as important as it needs to be) and I've ended the long extra hours that they used to get "for free" and Im working my hours bit being flexible in both directions. I seek time to spend with him just 1 on 1, throwing a ball, swimming, going for a bite to eat, etc.

>We talk now,
not just on school work, doing things I want him to do etc, but on his interests, whats changing in his hobbies, Im taking time to learn something about them (even minecraft - so help me) so we can talk. Above all he gets my attention with no distraction and my patience and a new calmness in dealing with any times he gets himself in an emotional twist (see my posting from last week on the arcade).

He has said to me he loves "fun" and "happy" daddy as opposed to the grumpy daddy. I do have a concern here that accomodation (W still doesnt want him to stay here as I have stayed at the apartment we lived in) and she has said it "upset" him to visit. She was unable to give me details but Im trying to take it slowly. Until he does stay over we're limited to going to events, activities etc so I want to temper "fun" daddy and round him so there are still bedtimes, teeth brushing and vegetables in there and I'm not just his buddy!

Very importantly for he and I, I made sure I apologized to him in terms he could understand and also made sure he knew I have always loved him since he was seconds old, that I was there in the room when he was born and I will always be there for him if he needs me.

It's a work in progress as parenting always is.


***2**** Smothering (DB terms: pursuing)
Ok there is not a lot I can do in terms of "smothering" in the relationship as its not in place at the moment. I now know from counseling that I have been overly needy and thus pursuing in our relationship. **Again these are my 180s not W's** but this particular issue is a "spiral" between us. I get needy as W has pushed me away (she has undoubted intimacy issues and sees nothing wrong with a lack of intimacy) this makes me pursue more, she reacts by pushing me away and distancing and so I pursue, and so on..

As I said current 180s are limited so all I can do is a variant of the 37 rules. I'd been trying to give W space but I can see how some of the texts / emails I'd been sending (although initiated because of S or money) had drawn on to me "chatting" which is completely wrong right now. I therefore cut right back to what I need to say or do and nothing else right now, basically what I'd do if it was a neighbor or collegue not my "soul mate" as she isnt right now in her head.

**3** Health
Yes, I hadnt been taking care of myself. Gained weight which cant be attractive for W, wasnt in shape. Now walking more, practicing one meal per day which works for me and swimming every week. This is an easy one in comparison with the other ones, I'm down nearly a stone and a half with 2 or so to go and 7 inches off my waist line. Looking better and feeling better just got to keep it going.

**4** Personal grooming
Not a biggie but wearing older clothes, not spending money on new stuff and keeping a tidy hairstyle etc always wound W up. She didnt say this was a huge issue but its something that has bothered her so its on my list

**5** co-dependence
Spin off from the needyness but between work, being a parent, more work and trying to help everyone fix every problem I think *I* vanished somewhere. I'm now trying to not just be in the digital world but find out what still interests me what new interests I have and how I can spend my time and build new topics of conversation so we dont *JUST* talk about S when / if we talk.

**6** Finance
we worked out that W took responsibility for running finances and bills while I took far more than my share of responsibility for bringing in money. Its clear that this "fit" with my comfort zone of being an excuse but its clear now that W wasnt comfortable and its also apparent it contributed to our finances being the way they are.

I've now - obviously - taken control of all finances I can as W has taken cards in her name and left everything else with me. Refinancing is underway and Im aiming to have it stabilised in the next couple of months - regardless of what happens in our R.

------

I've also taken the opportunity to read love languages and look at W's (quality time / acts of service) vs mine (physicality, acts of service and some gifts).

For now I'm just concentrating on the above. Depending on what happens with W between now and the next X? months or so I will look to either move to a new place with enough space for me, the cats and S when he stays over or I'm happy to look to rent somewhere completely new if/when W would like to get out of MIL as I know - as she has said - she wouldnt be able to come back to this apartment.

So thats my quick review of where Im going at the moment. I'd grade myself as a B- I think Im doing a lot that I can, trying to catch myself doing things I shouldnt and not obsessing with those that I cant affect (GAL/detatching).

So thats me for the evening. I'm off to the water park with S tomorrow, hoping it will be a fun day for both of us. No response from W on tomorrows pick up time or how it went today but Im not mind reading and her space is - has to be - hers.

Thanks all

[edz]

Since I'm tired I seemed to lose a chunk there.

Suffice to say when I mentioned renting above and said about renting somewhere with W - I have *no* expectations of that happening any time soon or potentially at all. Just that those are options brewing in my mind for things that happen next. In deed both may happen one after the other but its too big a step to deal with right now.

Thanks

[South74]

Edz
Great list above very similar to mine .
I have issues with my son . Issues maybe that I didn't realise I had or just thought it was easier to brush under the carpet.
I talk to him when daughter isn't around . Play video games with him , started going to circuits with him and just trying to involve him more in family life .

On the grooming front I've never shaved so much lol. I used to grow full beards out of just lazyness. Also W used to hate me wearing track suit bottoms so I only wear them if going running or around the house . If I go out it jeans or trousers I've become mr smart groomed and tidy and I tell you it gives my confidence such a boost .

Started circuits which I really loved , why didn't I start doing this years ago . Going to start running and hopefully playing football with my son soon .

Keep up the good work .

Fingers and toes crossed it works for us both

[edz]

So a quick update.

W texted me yesterday morning to say they were running a little late and better give it 15 minutes more. So I texted no worries. Went round and S was waiting at the gate with FIL at their door up the drive, no sign of W. She texted me to say have fun and try to have him back by 4.

Took S to waterpark where we stayed for 5 hours or so. Great fun was had by us both but by the last hour I was getting cold and tired so though S must be despite his objections We'd had a little bit of a chat during a break in the day and he really wants to stay over as well, as you may expect, as W and I getting back together. I really hate being in this position as I will definitely not lie but I dont want to cause friction. Just repeated that, right now, I cant really affect where we are going, its up to mummy but whatever happens we will both love him the same.

After taking him back to MIL (no one at door he just went around back to the kitchen door) I waiting and when I knew he was in safe I came home and cooked dinner. Afterward just fell into one of the deepest funks Ive felt in an age. Felt completely and utterly hopeless.

Mood was lessened slightly by W texting me to query what he'd had for lunch so she knew how much dinner he needed, this turned into some light banter responding to her comments but I stopped first.

I've recently fixed my facebook page and started posting again as part of my GAL (never been a big facebook user but its different and not isolating so I thought why not) notixced W had found a knitted character from a show we used to watch together and posted was it on my birthday list. I replied in a light way but it really threw me for six as Im trying to forget about birthdays and christmases, at the moment as far as Im concerned I dont have one this year. Was nice that she saw something and though of me and posted it though.

Had a night with some cheesy movies but my mood stayed quite dour, this morning was a little lighter but I still just hate this feeling. I have no idea where I stand, still have limited time with S and havent spoken to W properly since last saturday except for controlled texts and emails.

Who knows maybe the birthday comment is because of that, I know it feels horrible to me though. Maybe its just the fact Im not detatched enough, or sure if I want to be right now.

Ah well, if its the bottom of the coaster then maybe its going to go up next, I hope...

[South74]

Hi,
Edz
It is one hell of a roller coaster ride isn't it.

I was doing lots of GAL posting on Facebook . Lots of photos of me and the kids having a great time which resulted I'm my WAW unfriending me .
So can only assume that it had some effect on her not sure if good or bad .
Only problem is unless she unfriends the kids also she will still se my posts so not really sure why she did it .

You been swimming again I'm wondering if you broke your record ?

I'm going to circuits again tonight as I love the concept .

[edz]

Hi South

Sorry to hear about the facebook thing, W has not doen that in my case and has liked a couple of my postings although she's only really responded to third party ones and only mentioned me this once.

No swimming as such this week but the 5 hours at splashdown resulted in my feeling like i've swum the channel. Core is aching like crazy today not to mention shoulders as I ended up going A over T a good 15 times much to S's amusement!

S wanted to go round and round the big rapids section (we did this ~20 times) as well as flumes etc.

Normal swimming back on the agenda for this week, if it ever stops raining I may go for a walk down and round the beach as well to try to declutter the old noodle.

Just need something to stop feeling so utterly hopeless at the moment. Not helped by some well meaning but ultimately unhelpful comments from friends who keep telling me its over, shes moved on and I should get back out there and see if I can meet someone new. Like I'm just looking for a woman with a pulse. If it turns out W is lost to me, it wont be this year, next or maybe even ever that I can see meeting someone new. Right now I'm so down though even I wouldnt trust my point of view!

Cheers