WAW - One month in but looking for coping advice

[South74]

edz
Glad to hear you had a good time with your son and that you actually had the chance to test one of your 180s which you passed with flying colours .

With regards the NC with wife . Since dropping my wife at the MIL I haven't had any contact and I'm feeling so much better and it really helps with detaching .

I keep thinking of the motto "become the man only a fool would leave"

[edz]

Hi South,

yes keep thinking of that one myself. I find my mind keeps ping ponging between being alone and sad at whats not here anymore and remembering how W was just before she left (introspective and obsessive with S and playing mobile games) not to mention pondering should I just let it go.

For now I believe I am still ILW W and I will hold the faith for our vows and because I want to be a family not just for W and I but also for our S.

Will it work, who knows but positive change in myself cant be a bad thing even if its not W who ultimately benefits.

Still feel like this morning was odd though, not reading anything into it (believe <50% etc etc) but her thought was to call me not the breakdown company and not (very interestingly) her father both of whom she would normally have called if I had been at work before BD (indeed she did when the battery failed early in the year).

Yet even with that and her comments on being sure (~my changes are permanent I suppose from her statements~) she's still planning on a let with just her and S rather than live with parents or plan with me. Of course right now Im probably the devil incarnate in her mind although she keeps denying she's angry or trying to punish me, perhaps a little too much.

Anyway as I say interesting but mustnt read anything life changing into it, possibly just force of habit (although as I say Im not normally who she'd call while im working and it did follow straight after not speaking to her for ~2 days - ok Ed, stop it now!!!!)

Thanks all.

[South74]

Edz
You've got to try and keep busy mate to try and stop your mind from ping ponging .
It helps me so much I do wonder if I'm going to have a breakdown because Im so busy but it does help lol.

How many lengths you doing at swimming then?

I went to circuits last night with my son and brother and loved it even though it nearly killed me . Looking forward to next week .

My motivation was OM and the motto about being a guy only a fool would leave .

[edz]

Hi South,

yes you're right. Couldn't go this week as I had quite a lot to do around the place including a mound of laundry (although the HW gave me a workout of its own!). Also wasn't feeling the best in my head or generally (working from home with a cold today so that was probably it starting) recently got up to about 73-75 lengths in two hours and I'll be trying for ~60 and see where I get when I go back. This sunday (at the moment) have S and we're going to a water park so it'll probably be saturday or monday I get to go next.

At the moment just missing W as a companion I suppose. As you say need to keep busier.

[edz]

So had an odd question from councelor this week.

he asked did I think the lack of contact would help with W, wondered what he meant but I think he was saying that given she felt I'd hidden myself away from the M and from S due to work etc (all excuses I'd used and must now own) does my giving her space from calls etc help?

Now I know its a plank in DB under no pursuing so I thought it an odd question. Personally I dont really see another option given she's not in the home and has said that she was feeling stressed by communications.

I think it was more to see what I'd say but found it interesting. For me I'd much rather be talking but then I recognise Im more needy of contact/communication than W she is more an acts of service person (definitely one of her ll) ironically I'm also introverted which is definitely a bad combination for me!

Do feel a little isolated if im honest but getting out more is obviously helping a little as is advice such as souths to keep busy.

Any vets about to comment, possibly apply a 2x4 if needed?

[edz]

So had an update that W hadnt cancelled some of her automatic payments from the joint account - no biggie I know she's busy - contacted her to ask should I cancel it or did she want to use it this month (just a games subscription) I got a fairly terse reply but just went ahead and closed it for her and then confirmed. Just kept it light and said be safe and left it there as Im trying not to go off onto conversations.

That conversation with the C has left me a little befuddled today, went for a long walk this evening and cleared my head and got some exercise but I know now whats bothering me.

Its not the talking with W bit thats clearly not a good idea as she'll talk if/when she's interested, its S. His home ed work specifically, a while back I offered to get involved in the IT side and W said she would speak to the HE network she is on and get me the contact details (Im not subscribed in so she was going to recommend me in) she hasnt and has been too busy of course.

Now I'm in two minds, do I speak to her about this or leave well enough alone. I'm erring to just do my own research and then see what I can plan and just tell her. I think in her present mood she'll lambast me either way.

Anyway cold medicine and early night time.

[edz]

Just a quick update from me since nothing much happening, letting W have space and not bothering her unless necessary and not about M. Pinged her an email with a digital book she wanted from our server and since I finally have access to all the bank and card online services (well mine, not hers obviously) she still has 4 or 5 DDs on our joint account, heard back from her that she couldnt unzip the ebook but sorted that.

No news on what S's been up to or on the bank and Im not going to (or in the mood to) chase her on what shes doing on them. I'll just kill the DDs now she has the standing order she asked me about but I'd prefer if she aknowledged me first so I dont end up doing something to cause her issues on payments.

So anyone give me any advice on what, if anything, I do regarding contact next? Just leave her to have space until she contacts me (bar picking up S etc) all separate to the work Im doing on me of course, having to scale some bits back as money is now going to be very very tight but swimming walking etc are still going on and im not doing bars etc. Just need to save the pennies for entertaining S.

Thanks all

[South74]

Edz
I'm doing no contact with W as my kids are old enough to arrange meeting W on there own . Worst thing is that my W has almost gone no contact with me and the kids . She sometimes goes days without even a text to my daughter and I know it is really upsetting her.
Contact regards your S is maybe the only contact you should have at the moment . If for one reason it allows you to detach easier.
It's definitely helping me to detach .

South

[edz]

Morning South

sounds right to me, sorry to hear about your W not contacting. I suppose thats whats bothering me as I dont want to be seen to be uninterested in S but I'd have to go through W to ask!

Also getting over the emotional issue of not wanting to detatch I suppose, I feel like its happening though last night was mostly fine if a little lonely!

[edz]

W sent me a text today, short and blunt "you may want to check bank is still at ....". Obviously she's unlinking her account from the joint one but hadnt told me. Was a bit put out as this could have mucked up online payments if it had moved my bank account address and I didnt know. After messing about online and on the phone confirmed it hadnt.

Didnt show this though just went back on a text to thank her for letting me know and then confirmed in a subsequent one that it hadnt changed, hope things were well with her and S and I'd appreciate it if she lets me know whats happening with S this weekend.

In some ways feels a kick to the gut (her moving her bank details, not telling me when it could have caused me payment problems etc) but I'm happy I didnt lose my cool.

Still feels like she's just set on her course and I'm being set adrift but not much I can do about that I suppose, I can mope or just try and get on.