WAW - One month in but looking for coping advice

[edz]

Hi All

I've been lurking and reading and reading some more for the last month but I'm looking for coping strategies and advice now. Bit of a long post from me here as I wanted to get it all down from the last month or so and give as much information as possible. I’m also trying to be very open.
My wife and I have been together for nearly 15 years, married for 13 and with a 9 year old boy (10th birthday in November). I'm 43 she's a couple of years older.

Like all relationships we've had our ups and downs but I've always been the softer / romantic one and tried to be the relationship manager asking how she is, flowers etc, she's always been the colder one and had to have any problems teased from her, normally responding with the usual "I'm Fine". Over this time I’ve suggested away days and evenings out for just the two of us etc but she always responded agressively that she didn’t want to do anything without our Son, finances ruled out most trips and family holidays anyway. I bring in a reasonable wage but we carry some debt, my wife works in the public sector and earns a small wage and has been signed off sick due to chronic back pain possibly related to a car accident many years before we met.
Last year she said to me that she wasn't sure she still loved me and that I wasn't giving enough time to our Son and that she was leaving. After talking it through she didn't leave and said she would stay and work with me. Sadly although she stayed she didn't work very much with me, where possible I tried to take my Son out for “quick” things such as the odd visit to an Arcade or swimming as well as longer days out and time together when I was on leave looking after him during school holidays but I admit I could have done more small stuff after work and at weekends. I did spend a lot of hidden time with him (as in my wife didn’t see it). Usually when covering holidays or checking on him at night, helping him with this and that but nothing big or obvious.

I would also be clear I have a very controlled temper and have never raised a hand to my wife or son, my wife has a temper and has never hit my son to my knowledge but has lost it and hit me on two occasions.

Although things were, in my opinion, better up to about February this year (which seemed very good) my wife has slid more into sitting playing facebook style games with her phone when not working or organising my sons social life often sidelining me in the evening, going to bed early on the grounds of my snoring or making plans for weekends with playdates for my son without seeing if I’d like to come along.

In the past I mentioned to her that I think she overdoes this barely leaving any time which is not managed, pre booked and often stresses her out trying to accommodate everyone bar me. Her responses where generally agrieved and angry.
Since financially we aren't doing so well there's been little opportunity for breaks or holidays which haven't been childcare related, often at different times as we try to cover the very long breaks.

I was working very hard both at my job and on outside projects trying to bring in money. Since I mostly worked from home to save on travel costs and the need for a second car I was always around so handled a lot of home tasks which I though helped but in retrospect probably made matters worse from a “suffocation” perspective.
Since I'm also an introvert this meant my wife ran most of the "social" side of things and I also missed a lot of my sons sports days etc (schools in the uk invariably arrange these mid week in work hours).

Although I don't get into conflict and normally will visit to keep the peace I don't get on with her mother as she is even more emotionally cold and very controlling which is another source of tension. We got on for a great many years and I helped her with all manner of technology event briefly being an IT director for a company she ran but I don’t like the way she manipulates and controls others and so found it increasingly difficult to be around her without becoming agitated. She also involved us in a property investment which hurt us financially but I dropped that baggage a while back in counselling for the sake of my sanity.

Due to his educational direction we planned to Home educate my son from September with his time being split between our apartment, my wifes mothers house and external tutors / facilities. My wife would reduce her hours accordingly or possibly leave her job (as most of her wage went on private school fees).

And so to now, in July this year, one morning I opened the post while my wife was out and I was working from home and found a postal redirect with my mother in laws address and my wife and sons name on it. She had not told me she was leaving or that there was an immediate problem.

When I rang her she came home (she was out with my Son on a playdate) with her father in law following her and after talking to me for 20 minutes (I was in an emotional fog) she left with a few bits and pieces to stay at her mothers with my son and took the family car which she said she'd need for a few weeks.

I have stayed at the apartment we rent as we spent our money on educating our son and cant afford to get onto the very expensive UK housing market.

After a week of trying to come to terms with this, talking to a councillor and some uncomfortable introspection I'd made enough progress to smarten myself up and be presentable and I met up with her the following weekend. She said she was unhappy and didn't think we could get back together, she then told me my Son had question whether I loved him (which I had never though could be in doubt) and that we had drifted apart.

I can understand this to a degree as I had been so enmeshed in work and worrying about my wife I had neglected my relationship with him but asked why she had not raised it.

She said she had tried the previous year and mentioned it a couple of times but I replied that at no time had she sat me down and explained the full gravity or how upset he was. She had no answer for this other than to say yes she had but could not answer when. There is no other person involved in either side.

She also told me she didn't want to pursue maintenance but would be looking for support with our Son (which would be a given). She also wanted me to allow my Son time to settle without pulling him in different directions, which I agreed with.

Due to all this happening over the summer holidays and my wife being on sick leave due to an ongoing back issue, she had already booked up time with them both going on activities and days out (she generally watches while he wears himself out with friends) so they were both away for a while. During this time she contacted me to say she had been unable to get a loan she tried for on her own, had taken advice and was keeping our car and she also placed the blame on the breakup at my door due to the relationship with my Son upsetting him which he had told my parents in law and my wife.

Almost all communication had been by SMS or email. I also suspect from the tone that the email was written by my mother in law, she has a legal background and has a very cold, confrontational style.

After making all the usual mistakes people make in the first week (over emotional emails and messages – which I know I’m subseptable to) I tried to practice control and spend some time on counselling, reading DB among other books and sites and trying to work on myself, ‘GAL’ and ‘180’ among them. My introverted nature makes this difficult but I took up swimming and exercise, smartened up my wardrobe and resolved some debt issues and other restructuring. I also had to sort out another car along with all the insurance and other minutia that accompanies that.

After a few weeks (during which time I hadnt seen my Son) I finally got to spend some time with him and my wife insisted on coming along but being nearby. After an hour or two (we played with a baseball and mit that I got him) she said she was hungry and so was my Son. We therefore got lunch at a park café. After this they left to go back home, I was sad but it had been a good day, when I asked when I could see my Son again my wife then told me she had offered to house sit out of town so they would be away for 9 days, this upset me but I tried to remain calm and said OK.

During this time my Son wanted to ring me. As it was someone elses house I then called back. On the first day of this my Son mentioned “Grandma” was staying over that night. The following day he was told off and my wife cut him off for calling without asking permission, he had been on the phone telling me Grandma had been there and been telling him off for using the phone as well as watching youtube. When I mentioned this to my wife she said he had cut me off not her.

The week went on and my Son and I spoke a few times, my wife and I also had some nice text exchanges and I had a PC mouse sent to the place they stayed to sort a laptop issue (my wife asked for this I wasn’t stalking). We also held a remote Spiderman 3 "movie night" as she watched with my son and I ran it at home.

Following their return last week I picked up my Son last Sunday for a day with just the two of us although my wife is still dead set against my Son sleeping over or visiting our apartment, and we spent the day at a water park, pizza place and the park before I reluctantly took him back (dropping him outside my mother in laws house and watching him go in and receiving a hug from my wife before I drove off). Sunday evening was very tough returning to an empty apartment.

I’m continuing to try to stay busy (work is very busy and although Im still working from home I try to spend more time in the office to be around people / interact) but Im finding evenings and weekends are becoming intolerable if I stay in or go out. Last night was especially difficult as Im not sleeping well and I feel the upcoming Birthday of my son in november and the spectre of the Christmas holidays causes me to feel stressed and massively emotional.

My wifes only contact has been to continue texting and emailing on the subject of setting up a money transfer so she can plan and budget although she still has access to our joint funds. This hasn’t been done as we still have bank transfers in place for her credit cards, store debt and I am paying the insurance and breakdown costs on her car.

I did backslide and sent a more emotional late night email than I should of done (partly due to her emailing me at 11pm and my being tired through several nights of poor sleep) I regretted it almost immediately and she reacted with two very short retorts which effectively said she was letting me off lightly.

I have repeatedly asked her to sit down with me to discuss things from a financial point of view and because I want to see what, if any hope we have of a reconciliation. But she has constantly said she is too busy. I don’t want to push but have said I wont just set up finances the way she wants until we can run through things together and sort out proper visitation. She has said she has no intention of stopping me seeing my son but has his itinery locked up and she and her mother are obviously planning his home education without me. She also refuses to discuss anything regarding him sleeping over.

Im not sure if Im emotionally overreacting to a lot of this, I keep reminding myself it’s only been a month. But I am finding it extremely difficult at the moment and look for advice on what I should do next?

[edz]

Apologies if theres too much in the initial posting, wanted to be sure I got it all down.

Quick update that I'm taking my Son out for a few hours later today and when I asked My W if she wanted to tag along she replied "Not Today..." not reading anything into that as per believe half etc but made me feel better for some reason.

[Roberta]

There are a number of issues that you are struggling with. In order to help clarify your thinking and help you focus on your goals, I strongly urge to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach as soon as possible. You will come up with a plan of action and feel confident interacting with your spouse. Call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

[pilot]

edz, first, sorry to see you here with us. I know what you are going through is extremely tough and painful, as all of us here have been in your shoes. Please know that this forum has been a Godsend to me, as well as most others, so I strongly encourage you to stick around, and continue posting. It takes a little while, but eventually you get a steady following of people who are up to date with your situation, many of whom have already been where you are and can offer great advice/comfort.

A couple of things. I am not sure how UK law is, but I would really be careful about giving up anything less than 50/50 time with your son. From what you typed, it sounded like she is using your relationship with your son, or at least her perception of it, as a strong excuse as to why she is leaving. Now it seems like she decided on her own to dictate visitation. I would jump on that real quick.

It also sounds like your W never really put the effort into your M after she initially told you she was unhappy. Mine did the same, even though for a while it seemed things were getting better, she had already checked out, and later confessed she never gave it a chance.

Also, I would not jump to set her up financially right away simply because that is what she wants. I understand what it is like to be in financial difficulty, and your first responsibility is to your son. If your W wants out of your M, then your second responsibility is to yourself. You cannot rescue her, or make her life easier at the expense of yours simply so she can have what she wants. Hard to do I know, because every part of you still feels the obligation. I am guilty of not doing this right. But take care of yourself and your son. If your W wants to have a journey of her own, then it is on her to figure out how to do it. From what I gather about her parents, I do not suspect she will be starving in the street.

Now, I certainly do not want to burden you with extra worry, but I would just caution you to NOT rule out another person in her life, even if it is simply an emotional affair. Her retreating into her cell phone/facebook is a strong indicator, as mine was doing the same prior to discovering her A. So just be mindful.

Remember, right now your W does not want to talk anything relationship with you. Even if you disguise it as financial talk. Her mind is set in stone at this moment, and NOTHING you or anyone else says will change it. It is a hard hard reality we all faced here. Time is your friend IF you learn to calm your mind and spend your own time productively. As I said, your W is on a journey that only she can end.

Work on GAL, 180s, and keeping a PMA. But most importantly, work on detaching. That one thing you can do will be the greatest give you can give to your sanity at this point in your life. It is extremely hard and does not happen over night, but if you really make the effort, you can do it. I promise it makes everything else much much easier along the way.

Keep posting, and again, sorry you find yourself here, but you are in the best place you can be given your circumstances.

[edz]

Evening all, thanks for the responses.

Roberta, I'd be interested but I'm over in the UK, any numbers over here?

Pilot, thanks. I'm working on visitation, believe me the UK rules are the same or much worse than those in the US. Bar the mother being an axe murderer its nigh on unheard of for men to come off better and that's before the CSA / CMS get hold of the case!

In fact just got back in. Picked my Son up at 4 today and went out to town, supper, the beach and then back to my MIL.

Love seeing him but I do find it makes coming back to the empty home worse for a while.

Of course I can't rule out her having an EA, much as I could have read her email / fb etc I haven't even considered it even before I read DB, just not on the cards for my sanity and just because it's not in my nature to snoop.

I do feel my W checked out a while ago especially in the intimacy stakes, she had some issues from her youth which I haven't mentioned here and which I've always known about that have always had an impact on us but, as I mentioned, most things seemed fine up to February. After that nothing seemed worse than it had been before, that is up until July. I do know that a lot of the time she's spent out over the past few months was with our friends (who are now her friends of course) but that doesn't necessarily mean anything of course.

[igit]

Edz, sorry to hear about your sitch. Keep calm and read DB follow the threads. You will learn a lot that will help you. Keep posting it's a great way to get others interested hear. My W went off the deal end as well. Alot of us hear have been where you are now. Read as much as you can about Affairs, it sounds like it may be something pulling her away. Keep posting and hang in there. We are rooting for you.

[edz]

Morning all.

Takes a little while for my posts to show up as im being moderated which is cool and understandable so first let me say thanks for the comments, its sad we all find ourselves in these positions but at least you know you're not alone on the planet in feeling like this.

I still dont think there's another person involved (well I know there isnt on my side, I find it difficult to believe on her side since I know how hard she finds it forming attachments, she portrays someone who likes lots of friends but works on facade and then gets scared of letting it slip so she goes along with things, this is why she can't break away from her mothers control. She has also poured herself almost completely into her relationship with my Son rather than our marriage especially in the last couple of years). Doesnt mean she isnt in an EA though, Im sure hundreds of us on here can attest to thinking the same and then being stunned so I'm building an emotional buffer in case that turns out to be true.

So in a previous post I mentioned taking my son out last night, it was fun and he enjoyed himself. I'm very torn on some things I say to him. I told my wife I'm being totally honest with him but I'm not assigning blame or using him in any way. Its when he raises things like not wanting to live at Grandmas I get a little lost. I dont want him to either, I want them both to come home but thats not something I can really say to him or my W.Not only is it against the 37 and Db in general but its also manipulative. I'm trying to comfort him, make his time with me fun, reassure him of my Love and that I miss him. I also apologised to him that he felt I didnt love him and that I always have and always will and anything else was not his fault in any way, left it at that.

I re-read a lot of the DB last night and also went through the 37 rules to see what Im doing. I feel happy with my GAL (well, within my introverted nature anyway). 180s for me are smothering, balance of attention from wife to Son, getting outside and doing real things instead of living digitally. Also working on weight loss (which I did before, in 1998 I dropped 13 stone - thats loss not final weight) over the years I think being happy and content I piled on 4 stone or so, so Im working on losing that. Also investigating Love languages as my W switches them around. Never really been gifts more acts of service and quality time (my cardinal sin in all this of course). She's also a bit of an intimacyphobe (she does have reasons for some of that which I dont think its appropriate to go into but theyre not related to me) but finds it hard to drop her defences at times so physical touch is definitely not one of her LL but it is one of mine, making things tricky.

Trying to get my head around detatchment, its THE most difficult for me. Like a lot of us I see my family as my world, a world thats now been smashed. The cold logical side of me understands the self preservation aspect of it but my heart is screaming that it just wants them back. Its hard, especially at the weekend as it is now when Im here, alone and the weather is - well UK weather, dull grey and meh. I'm off out shortly as I try to do when I get to feeling like this and its the day time but I'll post later.

Thanks again all.

[edz]

Anyway just back in went on my GAL sunday morning swimming this morning (60 lengths just under an hour) got out before the "wet and wild" sessions started. Got changed came up from the changing rooms and theres my W & S waiting for the session to start. Ended up wit W's friend turning up, I took my Son back down to changing rooms and got him changed ready and then stopped for coffee simply so I could help S and take him a drink between the two sessions. Have to say it felt good just to be there and talking (obviously nothing relating to M) but it also felt a little stressful. After the first session ended I made my excuses as I didnt want to confuse S when he finished and then had to go back to my MIL.

So now back home, got dinner cooking. Had a chat with neighbour who's been through 2 marriages so obviously has his own spin on things. Anyway thought I'd journal Lets see if this one posts through

[edz]

Thanks for sorting any issues on my post Cristy still finding my way in the forum.

Been a difficult day today. Colleagues talking about family plans and one of the team going on honeymoon. Lots of discussion about his wedding which shoved me into a bit of a dark hole. Tried getting out and walking this evening but lots of couples at the beach hand in hand felt very alone and isolated.

W then texted me about 10pm to get password to get some educational bits for S as we'd agreed. Sorted and was polite and upbeat but she just ended with an "ok.thanks".

I'd not expect anything else at the moment but this evening just seemed one more death blow.

I imagine I'll be fine tomorrow but I'm heading for bed in a very low mood. This has got to be the hardest thing I've ever done

Thanks all for listening.

[pilot]

Try and relax edz. Understand that nothing is going to change in the near term. Once you accept this, it becomes easier to get by day to day. Work on yourself, and when you do interact with your W, put on the best edz you can. Be happy, look good, and try to be the guy she fell in love with so many years ago. Over time, she will notice. It will probably get harder before it gets easier, so know what is coming and try not to dwell on the negatives. Set small goals in the positive direction you would like to achieve and work towards those.

Best of luck!