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#2484811 09/03/14 08:04 PM
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Paid my last months bills...YAY! Preparing for exams... < : 0

Things are a bit uncomfortable with JTM...his vanished/WAS has now started " communicating " with him.

He has said he has some feelings he's not feeling good about. He has bonded with me, and finds me to be " amazing, rare, special, wise..." yadda yadda. He hasn't ML with me for a month. He feels like he should not while they are " communicating ". I asked at our last date if this was a "good bye " lunch? He immediately said " no! ".

I expressed that I thought he had a lot to think about and he may never get closure or resolution. We are still communicating and he is still loving.

At this point I feel a bit apprehensive, but not throwing in the towel. His divorce was final last year in October. He is an honorable man, at least what I've seen so far.

He is probably weighing his feelings for me and the feelings he has for his wife. It cannot be comfortable, for he loved her deeply and did not want the divorce. He has also said he believes she is sharing now, due to having moved on.

I believe that will be determined.

I do love him, but I also believe family comes first. If they R. I will again be ambivalent. For a family put back together is a beautiful thing. I really do believe in busting divorce.

I want what is best for him, and if that means letting go... I'll let go. I may hurt, and not really like it, but I will NOT be part of keeping them apart. Even if they are divorced.

This can and may happen with any divorced or separated people. It is part of life. Especially at my age. The issues will be either, never married, divorced, separated, or widowed.

It is what it is. I put myself out there, received love from a wonderful man, and gave love. I'll know more one my, JTM's and his ex-wife's b-day has passed. Yes we all have September b-day's!

REALLY ?

Mine is this coming Monday, his is the following Monday, and hers is the Monday after that!!!

Meanwhile I'm going on a meet up tonight at six thirty. I have to keep myself open to all possibilities. It is a casual meet up in Middleburg and should be pleasant.

I may make a new friend or find someone for a friend of mine. Who knows?


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
Joined: Jan 2000
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job Offline
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I'm sorry to hear things are a little bit rocky and unsure right now w/JTM. But I like to look at the time that you've shared w/him as a "gift". He was there when you needed someone to talk to, share things with and yes, some wonderful outings to take your mind off of things. He showed you that you are a beautiful, kind and caring woman that any man would want and that you have nothing to fear or be ashamed of. He was there to help you move forward.

Whatever happens, you will be fine...but treasure the time you spent w/him for he did help you in many ways.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job.

He was there for me. We had very wonderful outings. He was a gift and still is.

This is very difficult, for I have fallen. He and I have so much in common it's scary. I have enjoyed having him part of my life. It hurts very much right now... so many things are whirling in my mind. He's my Bear and I feel so at ease when I'm with him. He calms me, allows me to just be.

Yes, I'll be okay. But I don't like what I'm hoping for, even though they are divorced. She chose to walk away, and at a time when the Corps retired him. She chose to keep silent and let him write letters without responding. Cruel.

I feel hurt and want to be with him. I want him to resolve his feelings on his own. It is an awkward time for her to do this; and I pray things will allow us to move forward together. I'm not sure how long I'll choose to be in limbo. Something tells me that I should at least give him one more month.

The meet up tonight was okay. Nice guy, BUT... he left his wife. I can't go there. No abuse, no infidelities. Perhaps that is why. Walking away from something that could be worked on, just seems wrong.


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,095
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Well I had an awesome day yesterday for my b-day.

MUCH different from where I was last year.

My oldest daughter who has " issues ", made the most effort ever for my day!

She contacted me two days prior my day, and asked to get together. We then mad arrangements to see her condo, meet her roommate and then go to lunch. She got me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a bottle of Channel no.5 toilet.

We had a lovely lunch and I was off. She was very affectionate, hugging and kissing. No stress, no awkward moments. She is growing up...YAY!

I came home to two b-day presents, a bouquet of flowers and a romantic note . The flowers and note were from JTM.

Later I went to dance class and tradition is, the birthday gal or guy gets danced with by the class. I was exhausted... then the gang went to the dining room/bar for our usual dinner-drinks time.

What a difference from last year!!!

Last year I was miserable, fighting for my sanity and marriage. Trying to muddle through class with so much pain and distraction.

For those who read me, PLEASE... keep on GAL, for it WILL get better. Perfect no, but so SO much better. Once I let go, and allowed myself to see it was exactly as he said ..." not me but him...", my eyes were immediately opened and healing began.

Swing dancing and the gym have been my saviors. I've lost over 60 pounds and I'm trying NOT to lose anymore.

Hugs to you all!


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
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Happy Belated Birthday!
I'm glad your oldest daughter stepped up to the plate and did something nice for your birthday. Yes, she's growing up (finally). You have a number of surprises yesterday and it made your day much brighter for you.

You've come a long way in the last 12 months and I hope that things will settle down for you in the near future.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Yes she did, Job. I had stepped back from her and gave her space. Last year was awful, with her and her father. She had to come around all by herself..

It was fun coming home to the surprises. It's so nice to have someone care that you are alive, HA!

He wrote the sweetest note "Lissa,
It was a special day when you were born, the world is a better place because of your gorgeous smile, smarts and spirit. Happy Birthday!! Hugs and kisses, your Bear "

That eve, as I was pulling into the drive, he called to sing me Happy Birthday" ! That too was a surprise, for he is not a phone person.

My BD was in May, I found ya'll and Swing dance in August. It has been fifteen months of a journey so far.

I have found out so many things, felt so many emotions. Gained grey hairs, lost weight, gone to school, now paying bills and managing everything on my own.

I've dated, and am now in a relationship. I've given my heart , body and trust to someone new. It seems so odd, after over thirty years with someone. The oddity is not the relationship but the lack of feeling for my ex to be.

I cannot imagine kissing him, let alone him touching me in any manner. I have a slew of new friends, and touch base occasionally with my old.

Most of my divorced women friends are bitter, and still angry after over ten years...I feel NONE of that. Considering the lying , cheating, and recently found out money manipulation...I really could care less about him.

I've been accepted by a horrible cc company, but it is a start to building my own credit. A coffee a month and paid off every month shall slowly build a new score.

I still suffer from depression, and fight it daily. I see it in how I'm not caring for my gardens, cleaning the house, and procrastinating on taking my exams. The exams are fear too.

This I am aware, and am slowly trying to address it.

Thanks for the b'day wishes, Job. Thanks for stopping in.


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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happy belated birthday! sounds like you had a good one! so glad to hear it. I can relate to your post, my sitch is not all that old (feels like it is) but I figured out pretty quickly that I was not standing and let go of the rope as well. You're an inspiration to those of us that are finding ourselves again and finding peace and happiness. It feels great to be independent and take care of things on your own. congrats on getting your credit in order!! Acknowledging your fears is half the battle. I write them down in my journal and then tackle them one at a time. Sometimes i'd list exactly what I was afraid of because then it didn't seem that scary after all - like when I had to refi the house on my own, I put that off and put it off because of fear then I wrote down the reasons why it scared me and then I was reading them and thinking, what's to be scared of, won't kill me, either they approve me or they don't, if they don't I go to plan B, well they approved me and I marked that off my list and patted myself on the back and moved forward. You're doing such a great job of moving forward, you have a lot to be proud of! I see the bitterness and anger in a lot of divorced people too and I have flashes of anger once in awhile and then I just remember all my blessings now and I'm happy that it's in the past and I have so much to be grateful for, happier than I can ever remember being. You're so right - the healing really begins when you let go. Thanks for sending such a positive message in your posts!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
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Thanks TL...It was a better day than usual. Anger and bitterness are not with which I battle. It is depression. It can grab you when you don't expect and just rip your heart out.

I'm having difficulty motivating myself to do things and don't find joy in the things I used to.

I'm preoccupied with a situation and can't stop perseverating about it. Then there is the other side that just wants to go under the covers. Without a child at home I don't have a drive to do something. I've been feeling anxious and guilty for not doing what I believe I should be doing. I need to just cuddle up and be stroked, but I cannot even do that now.

I don't feel like I can just be sad. I feel like I have to always be the up person, the one with the smile. Well I just feel like sobbing and I'm tired of the aching in my stomach. Sometimes I feel as if I'm right back where I started.

It doesn't have anything to do with my stbx. I actually am at a very comfortable place there. He never understood depression and didn't have any patience for me not being there for him to feed off of.

I want to feel better, I want to find the motivation I had , but I'm finding it very difficult to do things. I'm bathing, eating, getting to the gym, and dance class. WHY can't I shake this?

Part of me wonders if it has to do with JTM. The whole wife in the pic, sitch. I believe I'm hurting because I think he is confused and may not be done. I believe it is triggering the feeling of being second to another.

With my stbx I was second; to his friends, and family. Now I have fallen for a man who is having to confront his own feelings of being left behind and not wanting his divorce.

I have a man in my life that can't let go of his ex-wife, and can't quite let me go either. Instead he is distancing to figure things out while simultaneously keeping in contact, albeit every four days or so.

This is brutal and feels as if someone is standing on my chest. I don't want to mind read, yet it hurts so much. I want to study to go forward, but I can't concentrate. I want to scream, yet I only tear up.

I've learned a lesson and I don't ever want to be here again. I know I have moved on, but I end up with a divorced husband. Not a divorced man. The difference? A divorced husband will drop everything to go to the aid of his ex. He will still try to figure out what went wrong by being available.

A divorced man will let go of the rope . He will see that she is an adult and let her deal with challenges on her own. He will not allow a past relationship to dictate what to do in his current one. When someone has been married as long as thirty years and has children our former mate's will always be part of our lives. I do understand this, being civil and co parenting are part of the package.

I think both of us thought he was moving on. The feelings he's having that he doesn't like are causing pain.

I hurt because I believe I need to let go. I need to tell him we should take a break. If he figures things out and can be fully present later; we may wish to see each other down the road.

I don't EVER want to be second ever again. I value myself too much to allow someone to come before me.

I've learned I can live w/o stbx. I am lovable, desirable, likeable, and have so much love to give. I know I would like to share times with another, not all the time, but a couple of times during the week. I know I don't just want anybody. I have pride in myself and my abilities.

I don't know how to do this, for I never was good at saying goodbye. I've never done it with someone who holds my heart. This is devastatingly painful <:',C

I think I'll give myself another twenty four to forty eight to percolate.


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
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Ambivalent,
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time right now w/ what is going on w/JTM. I would let him go in a loving manner for now. He really does need to take some time and figure things out for himself.

Right now, there are three in the relationship and someone needs to step away, whether it's his wife or you, but someone will need to do so. It sounds like he still loves her very deeply and if he doesn't want to divorce her any time soon, then you have your answer.

Step away, give him the time and space to figure things out. No one knows what he may end up doing, but you don't want someone who is always going to be running to help the ex. You are worthy of a far more mature and loving relationship and you should not be the second fiddle to anyone.

Again, I'm sorry this is happening, but it's best to get this out in the open now and not another year down the road.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I haven't posted in awhile. I had to work things out. Long story short. I wrote to JTM and told him I believed we shouldn't see each other. I was further down the road, even though he was divorced and I was not.

He wrote back the most informative and loving letter. It wasn't so much the ex, it was he hadn't mourned . Couple that with his feelings for me, feeling love and fear of falling more and more. So I pulled back.
He didn't want to lose contact and he kept writing me , sharing his life. He wrote lovingly and regularly.

Eventually I was becoming ill. So after two months of this I stepped WAAAAAY out of my comfort zone. I told him that I trusted him and I would always be honest with him. So I was. I shared that I wanted us to see each other again. Not worry about the past nor future. To just enjoy the present. We are.

I have taken one board, the written and flew through that with flying colors all 100% one 95%. The practical I royally screwed up. I am retaking Jan. 7 in Richmond. MUST PASS

Meanwhile, I've been digging around and created a job for myself. I'm ramping up and will be cold calling soon.

I've been dealing with fleas, a H. who lost his job and is not paying support, and chest congestion. Court was yesterday, haven't gotten results back yet. I'm supposed to be divorced by April. I'm ready and will face the challenge. Not looking forward to hashing out the property crud. My biggest challenge presently is money.

Trying to keep a positive attitude and sense of humor. TH-th-TH-th-that's all folks.

I've squirreled some away and am paying bills with that.


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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