Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Z
zew Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Ahoy, sorry for the hijack here.

Quote:
No one would fault me for flirting when my H is openly sleeping with and dating multiple women and says he is completely done with our relationship and has no interest in me.
LisaB,
Ya see, I would fault you. And I'm trying very hard this year not to learn not to judge people by my moral standards. My W is doing exactly what your H is doing, but I'm keeping mine in my pants, even though it would be easy enough not to.

You know that is wayward spew he's talking.

I'll rhyme off all the maxims:
Bad behavior is no excuse for bad behavior.
Why let him off the hook by letting him say you were doing the same thing.
I'm married until I'm not.
I want to be able to give the kids a good example of how to behave while married. (My D is NOT blind to any of this.)
I have a core set of values, that if I stick to, allows me to sleep peacefully at night. My W, on the other hand, has abandoned hers, and needs sleeping pills to get through the night, and AD's to get through the days.

Quote:
But still, any of that behavior on my part does complicate the situation and start making me the problem rather than him.

But still it is better to only seem happy and content like you might possibly be dating than to be found out actually doing it.

And there you have it. Things are plenty complicated enough. A period of celibacy while you figure things out isn't that tough.

Although, I am reminded of a Tom Waits line:
Quote:
I'm so G-D horny, the crack of dawn better be careful around me.

smile

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Ahoy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
Feel free to hijack --- it's a good discussion, and one that I need to hear. I feel all the things that Lisa is feeling and have all the same questions, but I do think I should wait to even entertain the idea of romantic dating. Just this evening my daughter was asking me what my plans were for the week ahead and who I was doing them with. I could tell her in good conscience that I was meeting new friends in groups, but not dating, even though that's what her dad intends to do (she has to be prepared for that). She asked me if we were separated (um, yes, he doesn't live with us anymore), if it was permanent (I don't know, it's up to dad), and if we were going to get a divorce (ditto).
Sigh. I'm glad I can at least be honest with her. This confirms that I'm on the right path.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Z
zew Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Yes, being able to be honest with your kids is worth more than you know.

You have D14, I have D13 - they are at a critical time. I'm home now with my D -- W left two hours ago with nothing more than "I'll be back." It's all making an impression. I'm not claiming superiority over W - I'm very careful not to do that, I don't want the kids to have any ill will towards W. It's tough to raise kids, and she doesn't need any disadvantage from me.

In the end, though, all truth comes out; it always does. I just want to be on the good side of that.

So when I'm out GAL, it's always on the up and up, with the thought that eventually, I'd like to bring my W along with me to any of the things I'm doing, and if that happens, nobody will be in an awkward position.

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 205
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 205
Originally Posted By: pilot
Originally Posted By: Ahoy
pilot, when you say you are at that point right now, do you mean you think your own dating damaged the possibility of reconciling, or do you mean you're at the point of considering dating? If the former, I'd be interested to know how it caused damage. (Don't worry -- I'm following your advice and not dating, just trying to make sense of it all!)


While I am by no means for certain about where my W is emotionally at this point, it would seem she might be one of those who believes the pathway home is too much trouble, and therefore not worth the effort to even try. She may feel there is too much damage done, too much 'moving on' going on, and the easy path for her might just be to keep moving on.

Recently I was getting frustrated with the limbo...the stagnant nature of where things were going. So I pressed the 'idea' around her that there 'may' in fact be someone else for me right now and I may just be moving on. For me, I think this may have backfired, as looking back at my entire story, I realized adding all the small things together, coupled with the past few weeks, my W may really think I HAVE moved on and there is no reason to even consider R. So now I am trying to undo all of that by painting a smoother road home.

Bottom line is unless you really are ready to move on, do not move on.

This is similar to my wife she has even said that if she decides she does want to come home and make a go at a R she won't because it would be unfair .
How crazy is that ?


Me 40
W 37
Together 22 years
S18
D12
WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months
W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life
After the 2 weeks she has left .
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Ahoy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
zew, yes, my D only gets one father, and I don't want her to have father-issues as she gets older. I want them to have a good relationship, for her sake, but I also can't control his choices or how she feels about them -- and at her age, I feel that she deserves and can handle honesty about the situation. (I didn't realize for instance that she wasn't sure if we were separated.)


South -- your wife saying that it would be "unfair" -- that is just an excuse for her not to return. Don't believe anything she says! GAL, 180, PMA. Repeat.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
Zew - I also have D14, and she is the tricky one through all of this.
S20 feels (what the he!! is she doing? - I'm out of here)
S17 is more like (Hey dad let's get out of here and go fishing - Don't worry about her).

D14 is quietly observing and doesn't comment on much. She gets defensive if I ask her what she is thinking or why she looks sad. It concerns me so much that she will un-learn all of the good things our family had and what husband and wife are supposed to be.

I also try keeping the peace at home for the kids and tell them to give their mom time and don't pick sides. I don't tell the kids specifics or even that she is right in the way she's behaving. I just tell them to try showing her their best.

I just quietly do my best for them - and I have a feeling they know it. It sounds like you are doing that too.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Ahoy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
I can't speak for zew, but for me, I'm trying to do all the same things for D14 that you're doing for yours. However, she can see when I'm sad and angry. I try to keep that from her, but at the same time, I see her pushing her own emotions down and not processing them. She doesn't want to see a counselor.
Usually once a week when she's at my place she breaks down in tears about the situation, and then we're able to have a productive conversation about what she's feeling, but I have to wait for her to open up on her own terms.
She needs to know that it's okay to have those emotions (and that I have many of the same emotions as well), but that it's okay to love her father even if she disagrees with the choices he's making.

Of course, he thinks she's doing great and that everything is hunky dory with her, since she doesn't open up to him about her emotions. I wish he could hear the things she says about him and the situation, but I know that if I shared that with him it would be a betrayal of her trust and just make him angry at me (as the bearer of bad news, and I'm sure he would assume that I'm turning her against him, even though I'm working very hard to do the opposite and demonstrate compassion and patience).


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 924
Ahoy - Great Job!. It is a shame that they don't realize the impact that they are having on the kids.

I think where I see the problem is coming from - D14 will not open up to me, but would to her mother. I think that she feels that I would not be able to handle or take care of her emotions and feelings, so she contains them. I wait and don't push too hard, but I think that she will break down - hopefully d14 will trust me with herself.

I don't know what a teenage girl's feelings about what a father's abilities are. I don't think that they know what we are actually capable of.

My boys and I have had good conversations about all of this but they cannot "get" to their sister either. They give up easily though.

I too feel like I am trying to teach them with my compassion and patience but it may come across as weakness to my kids (because they do not know the whole story).

I addressed zew in that last post, because (I believe) that they are all living in the same house yet (I may be wrong). Same in my situation. It is still a lot of hiding as much as possible from the kids. They don't have the daily reminder because of a separation yet. I'm sure it changes the dynamics when that happens.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Ahoy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
Don't worry about compassion and patience coming across as weakness. In time, the kids will understand and respect you for it.

I say this because I've been asking a lot of questions of friends of mine whose parents divorced. They all say that in time they came to understand and respect what the LBS did to make the process easy for them.

However, one friend mentioned that she was sad that her mom (an LBS) didn't GAL for herself.

So keep that in mind! They need to see you be a strong person in and of yourself, pursuing your interests and enjoying what life has to bring.

Your D will open up in time. Just be sure to give her opportunities. Sometimes I ask my daughter how she's feeling and she says "I just don't want to talk about it." And I say, "No problem. I totally understand. It's difficult. I'm here if you ever do feel like talking."

As long as she knows that you're there for her, that's enough.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Ahoy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
Had a bad moment. After church the minister shook my hand and said with a smile -- I heard H moved into my neighborhood! (She obviously didn't have the whole story -- just the happy BS that my H is feeding everyone). So I said, "Yes, H left me" and teared up and had to go. She said she'd love to meet up for coffee.

I hate him. I really do. Why does it still hurt so much. I should be glad to be getting rid of such a selfish jerk.

Also, my daughter seems to have adjusted to the situation this past week and no longer seems upset. I should be happy for her, but part of me is upset that she seems to be over it so quickly while I'm struggling. I know that is unfair of me, but there you have it.

So I'm glad my husband is so freaking happy with his new life, I'm glad my daughter is adjusting well, I just wish I didn't feel like crap.

But last night was really fun, and I have to remind myself that when I'm GAL I'm actually quite happy without H. And I don't miss living with him AT ALL.

Went out to dinner then to a jazz bar with a girlfriend, then dancing to awesome Texas swing music. Had a good time. I need to remember how I feel in those moments.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard