to wait or not to wait

[Ahoy]

Me again. Had a difficult day a couple days ago. H dropped by with D14 to pick up some stuff from garage. I brought out some mail for him, and he initiated a hug, said "I miss our friendship." I gave him a sad smile because I couldn't think of anything useful to say. (What is the right response to that?)

Then he said, "I know, I'm the one who's doing this." (accepting responsibility for the distance between us). Then he asked how I was doing. I told him I was fine but dealing with family stuff -- I tell him about my dad's health scare, and he said this is what he felt he was missing out on (personal stuff happening in my life).

I then asked him how he was doing (is that a mistake?) He said he was holding it together for the start of the semester (he teaches), but that obviously things aren't okay or he would be back home. He says he has to "figure out his head." I just nod with understanding. (What am I supposed to say -- I really need help validating things like this!)

I have been asking for a couple of weeks for him to let me know how he would like to handle the holidays. He gets Thanksgiving, and I get Xmas, he gets New Years, but he hadn't set exact dates for Xmas, and I wanted to give him the opportunity to do so (since I've always been the one to organize this stuff in the past). I told him that with my father's situation, that's why it's important to me to go ahead and set those dates so I can get good tickets -- that I'm not trying to nag him, I just have other family stuff to attend to. He said he understood, but then that night he STILL didn't send me the dates. Sigh.

So after he leaves I spiral into sobbing depression. Talk to my parents a bit, then force myself to go out to listen to a polka band -- because who can be depressed when listening to polka. Unfortunately, the venue was hosting not one but TWO 50th wedding anniversary parties, so that was kind of a dud. I ate pretzels by myself and then drove the hour back home. The music was good though, I guess.

So the next morning I email him the dates that D14 is out of school and ask which of those days he would like. He sends back a schedule, which we are able to tweak a bit to give me more time to travel to see family. Overall, working well together on the co-parenting thing so far.

Anyway, I think what sent me into tailspin was the whole hug/I miss our friendship thing. Obviously, he is not missing ME as his wife, but he wants to be "friends." This is mind reading on my part, but I am having a hard time shutting of the analytical part of my brain. I have been revisiting that conversation nonstop for the past two days now, and it's driving me nuts, causing me to lose sleep.

Last week, I felt like I could care less about him, and now that he's doing the hugging/opening up a bit thing, it throws me back into doubt (I know, detach, GAL).

Also, he still hasn't admitted to an A, but everything he has said and done fits the script. I don't want to snoop (can't anyway now that he's moved out), but I do wish he would be honest with me -- it would help me move on emotionally, and explain better why he is doing what he's doing. I guess it doesn't matter since the outcome is the same?

Would love some advice to some of the questions above. Especially what to say when he asks how I've been? I've tried hard to be upbeat and friendly towards him, but I admit I was teary when telling him about my dad's situation. In his email about the holiday dates, he did say that he was thinking of me and my dad a lot and to let him know if there was anything he could do.

How about come home and be my husband again? How about don't abandon your wife who supported you as a stay-at-home dad for two years then put you through grad school for three, then sacrificed her career twice over so that you could advance yours? Sorry, venting here...

My daughter complained that he had told her that if she broke anything at his house that she'd have to pay for it. Then she said to me, "I wanted to tell him: "Well, you broke my heart, are you going to pay for that?!" Clever, but sad.

[Ahoy]

So... just got back from a funeral. The adult daughter of my neighbors (who are in their late 80s) was murdered. I had told my H that I was attending the funeral to support them (I check on these neighbors a lot and count them as dear friends). Of course, H did not offer to go (he's consumed by his own selfish needs and probably feels guilty showing his face since they know he left me). So there I am, thinking about family, life, death, and meaning at this funeral. I'm trying to console my friends, who are also trying to console me, and it's just a mess.
What is the point to all this sadness?
I know joy will come, that this will pass, but it's so hard to sit here with my father ill, with a head full of brain tumors, stuck in a state far from family, and with a WAH. I know I should instead be grateful for the things that are good (the tumors are benign, I have a home, finances, family, friends, my daughter), but sometimes the universe feels like a pretty overwhelming place.
Also, it seems that more pain comes with getting older, and I'm tired of losing the people I love -- to death or abandonment.
I guess I just try to practice gratitude and being in the moment, but right now it's all so overwhelming.

[Ahoy]

Okay that sounded a little pathetic.
It's a beautiful day, I have my daughter with me this week.
Tonight we're going to Zumba and maybe bike ride.
So overall, life is good.
Does anyone have good advice for keeping one's mind off of WAH? I'm trying to stay busy, but my mind keeps straying, trying to solve the unsolvable issue . . .

[Tarheel]

Does anyone have good advice for keeping one's mind off of WAH? I'm trying to stay busy, but my mind keeps straying, trying to solve the unsolvable issue . . .

The only answer I can give you is Detach= GAL + time. The more you find yourself enjoying yourself/life, you'll find that in time your mind won't wander to those thoughts as often.

[Ahoy]

Thank you, Tarheel. I really appreciate the response. I need to take more time doing things I enjoy (not fixating -- or even spending too much time on the forum probably). Your story gives me hope, even though it's a long row to hoe. . . I admire your patience.

[Maybell]

Ahoy, it takes practice, but "thought stopping" - where you literally imagine a stop sign whenever he enters your mind - is probably the most immediate task.

I also find that organizing my to do lists, planning my calendar & grocery list, reading a great mystery novel, etc., occupy enough of my attention that time will go by without me spinning and then I'm so grateful for the respite that I keep going.

Best to you!

[Ahoy]

That is terrific advice! I really like the mental stop sign, and the redirecting of attention. The hardest part is when I wake up in the middle of the night and start rehashing -- there are no distractions then to stop the flow of thoughts. I'm sure it will get easier with practice. It's been 3 mo. since BD and only just over a month since he's moved out. I'm grateful he's out of the house because then it would REALLY be hard to stop the thoughts. At least now he is out of sight, so I can work on the "out of mind" thing without going out of my mind...
Thank you so much, Maybell, and best to you as well.

[Ahoy]

Okay, I have an urgent question.
I have been pressuring my H to set dates for the holidays so I could book a flight to visit family for Xmas, precipitated by my dad's health issue and the fact that I'll need to book the flight early to get seats and a decent price.
He stalled, but finally set the dates this past weekend (I explained the urgency to him).
Now I'm wondering if he thinks that my decision to spend the holidays without him means that I'm done.
Previously, we had considered the possibility of spending the holidays together with daughter, depending on how things were going.

I'm supposed to drop by his place tonight to pick up some papers for daughter's school, and I wondered if I should say something along the lines of:
Thanks again for setting those dates with me so I could book the flights. I know we had discussed possibly doing the holidays together, but with my dad's condition, I am feeling anxious to spend time with family. I don't want you to feel excluded, but I know that visiting my family isn't something you can commit to at this time, and I needed to do this for myself. Of course, you're welcome to join us if you feel like it when the time comes.

Or should I just keep my trap shut at the risk of him thinking that I am planning to move forward with D and have no hope of restoring M?

HELP!

[Georgiabelle]

No. He doesn't think you are done. I'm so sorry, Ahoy. This is such a tough spot to be in. I know it is difficult to comprehend, however your old R is done. Over. And your h was gone long before BD. I'm not saying that to be harsh- just honest. You've been clear that you love your h and don't want it to end. He knows that. He does. No big proclamations of why you decided to book trip necessary. If you feel you must, you can say "thanks for working with me on the dates. I really want to spend some time with my Dad."

Go on the trip and enjoy your family. I'll use a little reverse psychology on you for a moment. If your h booked a trip without you, at this particular juncture, would you truly believe he was done? Take the focus off him and worry about you.

It gets so much better! Hang in there:-)

[Tarheel]

For a newbie, I think your explanation is pretty spot on. You left the door open for him to join if he'd like, but not pressuring him one way or the other.

Don't put much thought into what H will think or how he will respond right now. You need to be more focused on YOU and what YOU want to do.