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#2484351 09/02/14 08:28 PM
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Ahoy Offline OP
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I'm new to the boards, looking for encouragement. After BD, I had a couple days of the typical crying, pleading, reasoning, trying to understand before coming to my senses and realizing that I needed to put some healthy distance between me and H and started DB. Which got a lot easier because he rented a place just two weeks after BD (and announced the news to D14 that same day).

We had what I thought was a wonderful marriage, and he rarely raised any issues, so I was blindsided. He had always been loving and devoted (so I thought). But he had a health crisis last year that I think affected his thinking and put him in MLC.

At BD he said he was confused, needed "space," not sure if he wanted this marriage in his future. I suspect EA at the least, and probably PA, but he denies, even though I told him that I would understand if that were the case. I have reasons (his travel and evasive GPS location deletions) to suspect otherwise. The reasons he gave for leaving, when I was still asking for reasons, were nonsensical (I don't host enough parties, for instance) -- things he had never mentioned as issues in the past.

I asked for MC and he didn't want to go because he wanted to decide if he wanted to continue in the R before deciding to work on it (!). But he went to a couple of sessions with me anyway, to support me accepting his leaving, but told MC that he wasn't there to work on R. So that was useless, and I discontinued the sessions, telling him that if he did decide he wanted to work on R we could restart the sessions. When I confronted him in MC and told him that he should just tell me if he didn't love me anymore and if he wanted out, he said he just didn't know. He couldn't say for sure, which is why he needs "space" to figure it out. He is also seeing an IC, but who knows what advice he got, as he moved out quickly after having had a few sessions.

But before he moved out, he initiated intimacy with me a couple of times, which left me confused from his mixed messages. He also had a crying fit and declared that he loved me so much (but apparently not enough to stay, I guess).

I guess I will probably never understand why he is doing what he is doing, so I'm focusing instead on GAL and helping D14, who is having a hard time with the changes. I've been happily "dating myself" (hiking, movies, music, dinner out), and have appeared cheerful and helpful to H when we do interact. He even invited me to join him and D14 for dinner once, which I had to cut short to go hear some live music, which I think intrigued him, as he mentioned it the next day and also said that he missed my cooking. I wish I knew what was going on in his head, but I know better than to ask.

Also, I'm really turned off by him right now, and it's difficult to imagine WANTING to be back with him, after all that he's putting me and D14 through, but I guess I'm just not the kind to throw something away quickly, especially with a kid involved. I struggle with being patient, with accepting the "not knowing" what's behind this all, and with whether or not I even want this relationship to continue. Would welcome any advice or encouragement!

M: 43 H: 39
M: 15 years
D14
BD 6/19/14
S 8/1/14


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Ahoy Offline OP
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So today I ran into H at daughter's school event. He is all smiley and chatty as if nothing is wrong, so I present the same back to him. Am friendly when we trade off our daughter, helpful, but I am adhering to a "don't ask, don't tell policy" when it comes to personal matters. I've been asking him to let me know how he wants to divide up the Xmas holiday time, putting the ball in his court (he's already said I could take daughter to visit family for Xmas, but I'm waiting on specific dates). In the past, I would have set the dates myself, so giving him this decision is a 180 for me. He will have daughter for Thanksgiving, and I already booked myself a trip to visit family so I won't get sucked in to helping with that, or wind up alone on the holiday. We're waiting until Jan. to decide whether to dissolve the marriage, but it seems like a long time to wait. It feels so phoney to be around him. He is presenting a very happy and normal self to the world right now, and who knows? Maybe now he truly is "happy" and feels "normal." But I think he's avoiding emotions. He never asks our daughter how she's doing (so she says), because he doesn't want to know (so she says). She doesn't want to tell him anyway, because she's afraid she will cry and then he will hug her, and she doesn't want him near her right now. She also says she's afraid to date boys in the future because she might not trust them -- or herself. She's afraid she will be like her father (fickle). This makes me tremendously sad. Any advice for what I can tell her to help her with these feelings, while staying out of the situation between her and her dad?


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
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Ahoy Offline OP
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Went for a Meetup hike last night and met some awesome people. People who actually were courteous of others and knew how to engage people in authentic conversations (not just about themselves). It made me realize how much of that was missing in my past relationship. Is it weird to feel like I don't love my H after such a short amount of time (just a couple of months)? I am standing until he calls it quits, but truth be told I don't want him anymore. Is this the right thing to do -- keep waiting, on the off chance I won't have an advantage in divorce court, or go ahead and put the nail in the coffin, even though I think if we worked on the relationship it could be good again (for our daughter's sake). How could I ever trust him again? Do I want to live the rest of my life wondering when the other shoe will drop (again)? This stinks.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
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Ahoy Offline OP
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H has D14 this week, and when he came by the house to pick up something, he tried to pawn her off on me the next night so he could go out. He thought I might be able to take her to the football game (since he has better things to do). I already had plans, so I declined, and then he started asking if one of the neighbors might take her. (I reminded him that they don't attend, so no.) It makes me sad that he continually chooses his own happiness and social life and work over taking time to connect with our daughter and do things with her that she would like. I told daughter I would take her to the game the following week. This is the second time H has tried to pawn her off on me because he wants to do something social himself, and he's only been switching weeks with me for a month now. It makes me sad.

Yesterday was hard because my father is having some health issues and may need a biopsy for possible lymphoma. I am sad to be so far away and terrified to lose him. In the past, I would have my H to hold me and reassure me, but I feel like I can't share this with him, that it wouldn't make a difference. He might console me, but only as a "buddy" not as my H. I say this because I have my annual MRI (benign brain tumors that I have to keep track of) in November and he usually comes with me for moral support. When I asked him (early after BD) if he wasn't planning on coming with me this time, he offered to come "if I needed a buddy." Please. How insulting. So I'll be doing that on my own. My family is far away -- I moved to this state because of his job four years ago (sacrificing the benefits of my own job, although I continue it on contract). Now I'm sad that I'm stuck here when all of the people I love are so far away. It is a lonely feeling. That's why these boards are helpful. Is anyone out there?


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
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Originally Posted By: Ahoy
Is it weird to feel like I don't love my H after such a short amount of time (just a couple of months)? I am standing until he calls it quits, but truth be told I don't want him anymore. Is this the right thing to do -- keep waiting, on the off chance I won't have an advantage in divorce court, or go ahead and put the nail in the coffin, even though I think if we worked on the relationship it could be good again (for our daughter's sake). How could I ever trust him again? Do I want to live the rest of my life wondering when the other shoe will drop (again)? This stinks.


Ahoy, I posted a very similar question the other day. And for now I have decided to wait it out, to not initiate D myself. I do think that if H ever wanted to put some effort into the R, it could be truly amazing, we have a pretty good R now (believe it or not) but with some opening up on both our parts it could be really great. I don't really think that he's ever going to put any effort towards that, but I'm ok with waiting for now. To me that means getting my own life, but not making any decisions that would exclude H, such as a new man.

And it's also to my financial advantage to wait it out. We have an informal separation agreement that says finances will stay exactly the same during the four-month separation, which hasn't even started yet. The longer this drags out and he continues to pay, the longer my kids stay in their house and that's important to me.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Thank you, rppfl! I do feel that it's the right thing to wait. Things are just changing too fast already -- how can I trust his emotions and my own? Especially when I see myself going through the phases of grief, anger, denial, etc. Time will tell. But since he no longer lives at home, I feel emotionally distant from him, which brings me peace, but at the same time it makes it easy for me to see my (happy) life without him. And I wonder if he feels the same. I worry that this time will allow him to put even more emotional distance between us, from which there will be no return. I guess that's out of my control, so I can't fixate on that. There is that quote I return to: If you love someone, let him go, if he comes back to you, he's yours, if not, he never was. But what about "if you hate someone, just throttle him"? Ha! Just kidding, but still. It's strange to observe the dramatic shifts in emotions during this crazy time.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
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Originally Posted By: Ahoy
It's strange to observe the dramatic shifts in emotions during this crazy time.


I think that's another reason why I wait. What I feel today may not be what I feel tomorrow and I don't want to do something I'll regret. He hasn't even moved out yet, I don't want to "drive the nail in the coffin" when I don't even really know how I feel about that. I'm OK with it today, I may not be so pleased on moving truck day.



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Ahoy,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. This board is filled with wonderful people dealing with difficult situations. The good news is that it gets sooooooo much better!

That's terribly stressful regarding your health challenges and your Dad's. I hope his biopsy yields good results and that your MRI goes smoothly. I'm sorry you have so much on your plate. When it rains it pours so grab a cute umbrella and some snazzy rain boots!

Can I make a suggestion? I'm no expert although please don't look at this as waiting. You will get incredibly frustrated if that's the way you refer to it. Life is going to continue for you and your D whether your h is there or on another continent. You only have one to live so now is the time to start thinking about what you want to do. I know you want to R, however just keep the focus on you and D.

Hang in there!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Thank you both, rppfl and Georgiabelle, I really value the feedback and encouragement. To say it has been a difficult past few years is an understatement (brain tumors were diagnosed two years ago). I feel as if I've been doing okay overall -- and you're right to tell me not to think of it as waiting. I have been working hard on GAL and focusing on daughter, and was really doing okay until I got the news about my dad. Now I'm just trying to breathe and be in the moment. I'm going out with some girlfriends tonight -- chances are I will run into my H and D14, since we have the same friends and are going to the same events (even though he told our MC we had "different friends" early after DB -- when I asked for examples, he got defensive and said "it's not like I have secret friends" -- very suspicious). Anyhoo. I'm gearing myself up to look great and have fun (for my own sake, not for his benefit), in spite of feeling like a puddle. The rain boots will improve my outlook, I'm sure!

Speaking of health issues, my H had seizures about a year ago that I think might have tipped him into MLC, and is on meds that also affect mood. When I've asked (in the past, when I was still asking questions) if he should talk to his doc about the mood shift, he dismissed it. Part of me wants to believe he is legitimately off his rocker due to brain changes, so that's another reason I wait. Love is patient, right?

rppfl, the moving day is hard. I hope you never have to experience it. We divided up stuff before I left town to visit family with daughter, and he moved out while we were away. It was hard to walk into a half empty home, but you can have fun redecorating it, making it more of your own. (My H's office is now a fun music room that I use with my daughter.) It's actually much easier to DB and GAL with him away, so even though it seems like a terrible step away from what you want, in other ways it is easier not to have the day-to-day tension of dealing with someone in emotional chaos.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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