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AJ, Thank you for your post.
It really helped me to hear about your experience. I appreciate it.

Had to chuckle about the hot cop!

In my latest news - more from the 'you wouldn't read about it' file....

Got the call from the crash repairer to pick up my car today - after over a week of walking/bussing everywhere.

Drove straight to work and parked in the car park.

When I left to come home tonight, I noticed a tiny piece of paper stuck to my windscreen as I approached my car.

Sure enough, someone had run into the rear/side and written off the back end.

At least they left their name and number!

Hoping their insurance will cover a hire car this time.

Aint life grand? There's a lesson in here somewhere, I suppose.

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Gotta laugh


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Just an update to register that the script of this mlc process is followed - with some variations around time and degree- pretty much to the letter.

After about 6 months of nc, XH has re-appeared via email.
An out of the blue request: "When can I come to the house to collect some files and a computer".

I let that one go through to the ether. Thought about emailing back: "How about never".
But no. Settlement was a long time ago buddy. You had the chance to get everything you wanted and you took it.

Anyway, then he phoned me to ask about an email he'd received from S15's school enquiring when he'd be returning after a bout of illness.
I explained that he'd had the flu, but was back at school today.
No mention of the computer and files.

Then he started phoning S15. Repeatedly, even while he was in school. This after 6 months of nc with the kids as well.

In his last call he asked S15 to come out to dinner that night.

S15 blew up. He said his Dad was sounding so pleased with himself, and happy, and was acting like nothing had happened between them: "Hey S15 why don't you come out to dinner tonight?"

S15 ended up telling him, in no uncertain terms, why he didn't want to go out to dinner with him.

Few minutes later, I get a call at work. It's XH insisting that I do something about S15's rudeness and demanding to know "what he's been told" to produce such an outburst. !!!!!

He insisted that we all meet up this weekend to discuss the problem.

Ho hum.

I suspect that this latest is just XH's need to keep us in his life in some way - he seems to need the drama and conflict.
My gut says ignore him, but this doesn't seem DB. Not sure that I'm even db-ing any more anyway.

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Good to hear from you, NLW.

It seems they always have something to be angry about. At least in my situation, J has stopped (for the moment anywho) directing his anger towards me, but everyone else seems to irritate him, including, interestingly enough, OW and her children. Time will tell what happens.

I am constantly learning how to communicate with J. It isn't easy and it requires putting anger aside and dealing with J as if he were say a business associate. Courteous, kind, patient, but yet detached. It does help and it isn't easy. I don't know if it would work with your flaming fool of an XH. It helps in my sitch that J has cooled his jets somewhat towards me. He seems to be "proving" that he is just as good a dad as I am a mom. Not even close, but it's his illusion, not mine.

I am guessing the drama is a method of keeping you and the kids in his life. He needs you in his own sick and twisted way and when you put up a boundary he has a tantrum like a toddler, because he cannot figure out how to mend the bond the proper way. I think that is why J calls me every day and needs to come up with some whackadoodle reason to call/email/text me constantly.

Just be the better person that you have always been. Pray. It really helps.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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Hi WH

Thanks for your post. I think you hit the nail on the head with "cannot figure out how to mend the bond the proper way".

This is my XH's big problem with the kids.

He is just a ball of anger and authoritarian bullying.

He was never like this in real life....

I can't work out at all how to communicate with him. He questions me relentlessly and tries to trap me into making all sorts of strange admissions. For example he always asks me where S15 is when he calls and I am not at home: "Is S15 at home alone? Have you left him on his own?"

This is S15 who will have his drivers' licence in a month... does he think S15 is still 12 years old - like he was when XH left?

The more I try to avoid negativity towards him (by adopting a neutral, non-judgemental approach), the more he tries to insist that I'm blaming him or judging him. In his last outburst, I ended up just not saying anything much but getting off the phone as quickly as was politely possible. There were lots of awkward silences on my part - and this doesn't go down well either.

He is insisting that S15 and i meet with him on Friday to discuss S15's behaviour.
XH wanted to come to our house to do it, but i refused. He bullied and bullied but i just don't want his craziness defiling our home any more.

I suggested we meet at a local park.
S15 says he won't' go as "talking to him is just a waste of time."

Not looking forward to this!

We really only have one thing to say to him: Please pay a decent amount of child support so that we don't have to live like this any longer.

Can't say that in a way that treats him like a passing acquaintance or an old friend we haven't seen in a while.

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I am so sorry. I am hoping things improve in your sitch. I think your XH is so far off the charts he will never find his way back.

Your S15 is correct. Talking to him is a waste of time. It's either your X's way or the highway. I am hopeful that in person your X won't be so angry. It's easy to be horrible on the phone or via email or text. It's not quite so easy in a public place in person. Kudos to you for insisting you meet outside your home.

He sounds very defensive like a wounded animal. I am sure things are not going swimmingly for him. He is probably short on money and I am sure life with his new wife (OW) is not as wonderful as he imagined it would be.

Just continue to be your wonderful self.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
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Sorry to hear about H's blow up NLW.

Funny how they are allowed to "feel" any way they want but other people like a 15 year old doesn't have the right to feel the way he does, and he has good reason to feel that way! My W does this with D14. She was on the phone crying about how she hated her new school and my W was in the background saying that she was "ridiculous" for feeling that way. Like she doesn't have a right to her own feelings. My W can destroy a M and family because she doesn't "feel" happy and blames the very people that actually cared about her but her D isn't allowed to have her own feelings?

My W has told me time and again that I'm going to "make" my D14 hate her. I haven't said one bad thing about her but my W just KNOWS I will. This way she can blame me if her actions hurt her D14. Lord knows that anyone who doesn't think what they are doing is "right" must have been lied to!

Your son is old enough to tell his father exactly why he feels the way he does and make his own choices about when or if he wants to see his dad. It may even be good for him to be able to confront his father with you there to help him feel "safe". It must hurt to have his dad do the things he has done. How these MLCers can't see the damage they cause is a mystery.

You can do this NLW. Maybe it's about time your H hears just how badly he has hurt his own S. Everyone, even parents, need to EARN the respect of their kids. Your H hasn't done this and shouldn't expect it. Telling someone why they don't wish to spend time with them said in a way that is calm and polite isn't "rude". In fact, it may do your S some good to get this off his chest.

Just my thoughts and I'm no expert. Good luck!

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""I can't work out at all how to communicate with him. He questions me relentlessly and tries to trap me into making all sorts of strange admissions. ""

Same here. I can't be normal with my ex - he is always trying to twist even my simplest sentences into something bad.

You sound great

Keep talking with your son as much as possible about his feelings, he did not deserve this crap


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Hi All,
I think some of the recent activity on my thread has disappeared following the tech work of the last few weeks.

For those who posted to me, thank you. Your input and kindness in keeping up with my sitch has not gone unnoticed.

Just to update, XH has re-surfaced after months of NC.

His approach involves giving the kids money ($100 a week each) - in lieu of child support which he refuses to pay to me.

S15, in particular, is upset with this and has tried to point out to XH the need to pay proper child support.

It has resulted in S15 swearing in frustration at XH on the phone on two occasions.

Each time XH immediately phones me and insists that I meet with him to discuss.

I have taken the line that it's his issue to work through with S15.

XH then threatens me with formal-sounding emails on the topic of S15's "behavioural problems" that are replete with legalese about what he will be forced to do in response.

I've ignored them each time and, so far, nothing has happened.

He has appeared, un-announced, on our doorstep three times in the least fortnight - to deliver a weekly cheque to S15.
Each time he bowls straight into the house, literally pushing aside whoever it is that answers the door.

I don't know what's going on... just reporting the patterns in case any of this helps someone who might have experienced the same part of the MLC cycle.

I am just sitting back and watching the passing parade, but I am worried about what I see as XH's 'strategy' of starting fights with the kids in order to ensure ongoing contact with them.

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Your h is rebelling against you and the rules concerning the child support. He's going to show you and everyone else that he's going to do it his way. I think I would not mention it again for a while that he should be writing the check to you. If he sees you and your son aren't reacting to his behavior, he may just cease it.

As for your son's behavioral problems...sounds like he's the one that is projecting. I think you are handling this situation w/a lot of patience.

Now, about answering the door, I would advise him the next time he appears at the door, that if he attempts to run roughshod over the person answering the door, then you will have no option but to tell him to mail the check to your son by certified mail, return receipt. You can also point out that you don't show up at his place unannounced and push your way into his space and you would hope that he would do the same at your place. If he continues to act this way, don't answer the door or look out the window, see who is there and go out another door and meet him in the yard...but doing what he's doing is not acceptable.

Your xh is not happy and he doesn't want to see his family happy and yes, he's trying to convince himself that he did the right thing by walking out, thus the fights ensuing.

Try to dig deeper for patience and set up stronger boundaries and adhere to them.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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