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S, letting go is the hardest part of this. Everyone gets there in their own time and in their own way.

I sense you wanting to force yourself there. I'm sorry, it doesnt work that way. It is a process. You are getting closer.

It's a scary thing to let go. But it doesnt mean you dont care. It means you care very much.

The way to get there is to stop analyzing everything he is saying or doing because the truth is, it doesnt matter. He is in crisis. His words and actions wont make sense.

Sweetie, worrying doesnt effect the outcome. But letting go, moving forward and making changes can.

Leave him to this. Just let him figure his stuff out. You want him happy and whole no matter what the result. The only way he can get there....is on his own.

Keep looking inward. Keep working toward becoming your best self.

Dont worry about who he is like or not like in the family. All of that goes out the window when MLC hits. Did you ever think he would do what he's done? So, who he was or who he is like, doesnt really matter, right?

Keep self talking your way through this.

You will get to where you need to be. I have not one doubt. smile

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Job, uR, everything you've said has been spot on. I'm trying to push through so hard, and I'm already tired. And I've just begun. And that's frightening. My irrational thinking is that if I detach and he thinks I'm gone forever he will follow through with his attempt from February. Rationally, I know this is not anything I can control and he could do this at any time. He does not threaten, nor do we even talk about the past incident. But seeing him cry again and knowing that he is depressed...the trauma is there in my head and it's so painful. For some reason I feel responsible but at the same time I know I'm not. That doesn't make sense.

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I sense you wanting to force yourself there. I'm sorry, it doesnt work that way. It is a process. You are getting closer.


I am absolutely wanting to force myself there. >sigh<

I feel like letting go is like my own tunnel to acceptance. The scary feeling of really letting it all go. And the avoidance I have of doing this is my own way of running down the rabbit hole...

Please know, I'm not always consumed by these thoughts, but in down times, I find myself trying to think of any possible way this isn't really happening. That there is a different answer. That this situation is going to be shorter. That he is going to wake up soon and everything will be over.

Sometimes I can't turn it off.

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Shining,
Please be kind to yourself. It's one hour at a time, one day at a time. You can't rush the grieving process of your old marriage. Just as the mlcer requires time to grow you, you, the lbs, requires time to heal and yes to let go. Letting go doesn't happen when you want it to. It is a very gradual process and it will happen in due time. Don't try to rush your process and attempt to go around it...but work through it.

Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was letting go and detachment. One step at a time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Shining,
Don't worry about feeling that this really isn't happening, that there is a different answer, etc. I think we all go through those times, I know I do. As long as you don't let these times of "wishful thinking" take over. Disbelief is a stage and we will cycle through the different stages at times. Just don't get stuck there, that's all.

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I mean, just knowing how bad he must be hurting to think of taking his life, and that I didn't get it. I just knew he was depressed. And it kept getting worse. But knowing he's still so lost and in pain and I can't do ANYTHING is torture.

He's hurting all of us, but he's clearly hurting himself more. He's doing all this crazy stuff. Old H would be mortified. And he is so confused and he doesn't know why. And I can see his thoughts racing and him trying to hide it from me and I smile like a caring sister...

This is completely messed up. I can't figure this out and I'm mad at myself about that. Who the heck do I think I am, anyway? Why should I be any better at this than anyone here who has known these things for decades.... Why can't I just roll over and accept this, and move on? What is wrong with me?

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Shining,
We all thought we knew what to do for our spouses when they flipped. We all fought, kicked and screamed that our situations were different from those that were posting here or had offered up advice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It takes time to learn how to cope and deal w/an mlcer and yes, to learn how to live and move forward w/your life while he's orbiting earth.

All you can do for him is be there as a friend, no pressure. Listen, validate, and provide a safe place for him to land whenever he has moments of clarity. He knows you love him and he knows that you are still there for him.

Let me just say this, if you even attempt to help him, he'll deny he needs help or he'll distance himself further from you. You can't pressure him right now to seek help. He's got to be the one to make that decision. May will hit bottom and overs will scrape the bottom for a very, very long time. When your h has run out of avenues to try to ease his emotional and mental pain, that's when he may very well begin to look within. Until that time, you have to keep the focus on you and your children. You are the adult now and your children need to know that you are there for them. They need to know that "mom" is not going to leave them. They, too, have to have a safe place to land and talk about how they are feeling.

Shining, don't beat yourself up. It takes time and that's why you need to try to stop analyzing his every word or action. There will be no rhyme or reason to some of the things he says or does because they are done on an emotional level and not a rational one. You aren't going to be able to figure him out or the what if's and why's of what he's doing for a long time, if then.

For now, put the mlc puzzle away and focus on you and your family. Focus on the positives in your life. Please be patient and try not to rush the process for either of you. It's a very slow one and his clock is extremely slow and not on our time. Try to find things to keep you busy and try not to beat yourself up. You didn't create his situation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Oh Shining I just want to reach out and hug you! I so understand where you are at emotionally as I am right there with you. Just when I think I'm doing well and letting H cook, interactions occur that pull me back onto the roller coaster.

I don't have much in the way of advice as I am in the same place as you. But I can and do empathize with all of it. Hang in there.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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I'm going to read this whole thread over and over while sitting in the ortho waiting room for the next hour....

It's all hitting hard today... I'm cycling.

It's frustrating. H was in the "rehab" center after his attempt in February. The afternoon-evening in the ER after my S(17 at the time) found him unconscious, was terrifying. H was so incoherent. He physically fought going to rehab and being admitted, and we had to "trick" him into going voluntarily or they would send him through the court systems and he would end up somewhere across town at a facility we wouldn't want. His brother had to wrestle him to the ground once H realized he wouldn't be able to have his cell phone. He was panicked because he locked himself out of the password. I didn't know why he was so protective of his phone then.... I know now, and I'm certain there was some unsavory activity going on for a long time before that day.

When he was first given permission to call me from rehab, the day after his OD and being admitted from the ER, he was sobbing. Begging forgiveness from all of us, including kids. Apologizing like crazy as he cried. Said he would be in there for up to 5 weeks. I could visit for one hour each day. No cell phone. One land line that he shared with 30 others.

This was not a man anyone would think of as high risk of anything. He didn't do drugs, barely drank alcohol, never got drunk, very responsible... And here he was. It was shocking.

He had group therapy for a minimum of 6 hours per day, and we all believed he hit rock bottom. He talked about having issues inside of him from his past that he never realized before, and that he was working on them. He kept repeating a Paulo Coelho quote over and over, "Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not." He kept saying how that quote really spoke to him.

They let him out after only 5 days.

We went to counseling. He began to weasel out of his work immediately. He said he realized he missed a few days of his AD and that's why he was in such a funk and not thinking clearly. That he never would have attempted suicide if that hadn't happened. He lost 3 days of memory before OD.

Then the blame began. I was blindsided. I thought finally we would be dealing with the real issues.... Then he did just what you wrote, job, he flipped.

I think this is part of what keeps me stuck. He seemed so close to doing his work. Is that what they call running back into the tunnel?

I know I need to stop analyzing what he does. I'm still looking back, though, at when and how this all began. Again, it means nothing, changes nothing... But it's just the way my mind works.

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Quote:
The way to get there is to stop analyzing everything he is saying or doing because the truth is, it doesnt matter. He is in crisis. His words and actions wont make sense.


Hold onto Ur's words Shining.

Many MLC-ers have moments of clarity where it "appears" that they are facing the music finally...We all breathe a sigh of relief...only, to get pelted with more insanity, blame, rejection, abandonment, etc...

I think, much like alcoholics/addicts, MLC-er's have moments where God gives them a plunk and they are faced with the choice of dealing with the demons or going back into the tunnel. Or, maybe, the demons are just too strong for them. IDK.

Just know that YOU aren't alone. He could fight this...I have to believe this...He has a choice. In my moments of greatest despair on this journey...I've been able to reach out to God and others for support. In my humility, I have found peace and hope and comfort...I have to believe that our spouses have the same opportunity. Whether or not they take action at this moment of clarity??? That moment of humility???

I mean, I guess, for me, I love Smokey and always will. I have to believe he knows this. I tried so hard for so long to help. I couldn't. Nothing I tried worked.

So...I'm left with the reality that:

Either he is choosing to remain stuck in the life he has chosen...the path he has taken.

OR...

He is a lost soul and incapable of being truly honest with himself and others.

In either case, I would be compromising myself if I continued to reach out to him. I gave enough of myself to save him. I can't be the one to save him. I just can't. Twenty years of trying is long enough.

I need to save myself for the sake of our children. In this way, IDK, maybe I'm giving Smokey the best chance by living a life worth living.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Shining,

I was not a man who anyone would think of at a risk of anything,I didn't do drugs, rarely drank alcohol, very responsible but...... I had an MLC or It actually chose me. I would not choose to go through that but......it did help me become a much better person but that is looking at it from a place outside the tunnel and looking back at MLC objectively.

Your husband is not ready yet to make that journey out. For me the day I stopped looking at my life as everybody elses fault but my own fault was the day I could finally look at myself and that was the day I began the journey out of the fog.

This is his journey and his alone to choose his way. Hopefully the pain of not coming out the tunnel becomes so great he has no choice but to look at himself and do the work.

Give yourself a break, and move ahead with your life.

Mirage

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