MLC-WAW- Long Road Ahead- Help!

[Nitty]

That sounds like progress to me, CaliGuy. That sounds good. She listened to what you had to say and didn't just blow you off.

She might back off a bit and then come back, but you were pretty clear. You sounded strong without being punishing.

And the Harley!!! Good for you!!!

[Atsbaby]

Great job on the boundary setting. It sounds like W was receptive. I know you're aware, but take it slow. And I agree with Nitty, W will probably pull back but then come forward again. Just remember to give her space and not pursue.

Enjoy the zoo

[CaliGuy]

Thank you Nitty and Atsbaby.

So Monday morning I jumped on the bike, went to the store and cooked myself a nice breakfast. During this time I was looking around on FB ... seens she unblocked me which was a suprise (I could still view her page before ... just had to go about it differently) ..... however I also seen OM "liked" a post from her last night which bugged me .... I almost wanted to press my boundary but realized I comprimised and decided to let it go. I am going to give it 3 weeks ... my birthday .. she has till then and then I revisit our conversation, and I am prepared to make the stand.

I arrived at her place on time and they were surprisingly ready to go (She is always running late). Things were good, I did feel a bit of a disconnect but recalled to stay positive. She was playing on her phone the entire time, messing with some new smiley face App ... I just remained calm, and decided the day would be for S and not 'us'. We started out walking .. W always gets heat exhaustion so I made it a point to carry the backpack and her expensive camera ... I lugged all the stuff all day, even when she tried to carry .. I would politely snatch it back. I purposely had us take several breaks in the shade to help her. We tracked the miles we walked as kind of a get back in shape game. So during about the 3-4th break she realized I changed in the area of patience ... she mentioned it in a small way and as we were sitting I apologized for always rushing during times at the zoos ... and museums (Last museum trip I did well a few months ago) ... I told her I was sorry for always rushing but with the 2 jobs I felt pressured to cram it all in ... and I told her how nice and relaxing the day was being able to enjoy it without thinking about work or what time we were going to get home. This visibly caught her off guard a bit and I just turned to my S and answered a question he had asked me a few minutes prior. Up to this point things were just "professional" between us ... we went to the Polar Bear and sat ... they wanted to get up and leave as we couldn't see much .. I again told them we have all day ... just wait ... right on cue the Bear appeared and gave us quite a show. We had lunch ... and as I got up to toss our stuff in the trash ... I came back and gave her a cold water .. she thanked me and stood up and gave me a big hug. Took almost all day .. but finally I felt a small connection. We went home, I dropped them off and went back to my place. I didnt want to be there alone .. so I jumped on the bike and hit the beach to watch the sunset. S called to say goodnight and asked what I was doing ... I told him and she was in the background so I know she heard.

Later that night she TM me and thanked me for a fun day, I returned by thanking her for a great weekend ... and I really enjoyed myself. We met this mornign at S school ... first day .. and the first time I have been able to be there on his first day, we took pictures and me the new teacher (180 for me in all areas ... being more involved in the morning with his school) .... we talked to other parents .. then I walked her to the car (I have been opening her door for the past few months .. 180) So I open her door .. and again .. big hug. then some fun TM about S as she went to work.

I feel I have made alot of progress ... all positives with her after this weekend. We are scheduled to go up north and see her brother Sunday. I need to stay calm, take it slow .. but I do also know I will remain somewhat detached untill I know for sure OM is out of the picture, she TM at 1 in the am. saying she wokeup ... little things like that make me believe deep down she wants me, otherwise .. why do that>? then agian .. this WAW MLC thing .. nothing makes sense .. but knowing that has helped me deal with this sitch more than I can articulate.

So ... for now I am just going to go through the motions with her, treating her as if we are just starting to date (not pursuing, remain detached/GAL), seems that was a big factor in the turn around, and I have to admit I loved the feeling we shared Saturday night. I will play this out for a few weeks and then see where we end up, before messing with the squirrel and pressing the issue on OM who at this point seems on its way out naturally anyways .. me pressing may appear controlling something she is sensitive about ... but in the same breath I can not have dude lurking in the shadows either....even typing that ... I need to worry about me, and about how her and I reconnect.

[CaliGuy]

Well ... just as you guys predicted ... she has pulled back. And as the strategy states ... as hard as it is .. I will not pursue. I will again go dark and detach. It is frustrating, in a way I feel she used me this weekend to get her emotional needs met, she avoided being alone, she got what she wanted and cast me aside once again and it is frustrating but I know this is a long road and I will remain calm and go back to what I was doing. We do have plans for Sunday to go up and see her brother, its another opportunity for me to be there for her. I just hope at some point she will realize every time she has needed someone, I have been the rock ... not the doormat.
I caught myself being angry as I left this morning ... yesterday she was pretty quiet ... not uncommon as her job seems to be pretty stressful for her, she did text a little last night but during the week she seems to really pull back, I think she is comfortable in her routine, work/gym/home/cook/eat/shower/bed .... but on the weekends the loneliness gets to her.

So one of those down days ... hopefully I can stick my head into my work and not think about it much ( Seems thats one of the challenges with this is not allowing your mind to race off with your emotions) ..... I realize I allowed some expectations to creep in my head and hold hands with hope ... tsk tsk .. my mistake there.

[CaliGuy]

W picked up S from the ball fields last night ... I was probably a little more cold than normal, but I did say goodbye .... then called after my game to say goodnight to S. I woke up this morning ... a little down, I miss my family, miss her, miss my son ... I hate the sitch but have little say in the matter, I can not just snap my fingers and make it go away, I know God has a good deal of work still left to do with me, and her ... I pray that we do have a future together but I realize its a long road. I almost rode the bike just to ride this morning but opt'd the car as I pick up my son during the week and would just have to make 2 trips basically.

I think she has a therapy session tonight, not sure if she is still wanting to attend the Divorce/separation support group... I hate the fact she has told me like once every month that she wants to try .. but shows little effort in doing so, I am sure its to just keep me holding the rope. Ugh... just frustrating and I need to get my PMA on big time this morning.

[CaliGuy]

So a little update.

I have not TM/Pursued W at all during this separation, one of those DBing and not knowing I was DBing .... As predicted we spent the weekend together as a family because she didnt want to be alone, and once the work week hits she is back to her ways, cast me aside and there is little contact. This frustrates me, one because I was starting to detach ... then she sucked me back into the rollercoaster, two I just feel like I am being used .... I need to remind myself that I would rather her come to me for emotional needs.
Yesterday she TM and says :I hope your day is going better than mine, a contrator just yelled at me infront of everyone, so unprofessional! .... I simply validated, we TM just a few lines and that was it.

I guess whats killing me is her pulling back, I am not pressing nor backsliding that she can see ... but even dropping off S there is no connection, she was pleasant this morning and I was short to the point and left quickly, I am just tired of being hurt and allowing her close then she pulls the rug out again.

This weekend, Saturday I have my S soccer game, then I need to sneak into work, I plan on church around 4 ... not sure if she will go or not .. at this moment I am completely ok if she doesn't and just lets me take S .... then she has "dinner" plans with a girlfriend (I am not sold this it the truth ... maybe OM ... maybe not .. I have no way of knowing) Sunday morning at 5am I agreed to go with her to see her brother in jail before he is sentenced and possibly moved, I hope to avoid any R talks but this is a long drive, who knows ... and her stress level will be high so I will need all my wits about me.

I have no expectations, but I am also not happy with where I am mentally and emotionally ... this time last week I felt strong and secure with myself .. then I allowed her in my head again. I let her words "I want to try" actually affect me and let myself get hopeful when her actions show nothing of the sort and I get frustrated .... I know its a long road .. and one filled with many back and forths ... just venting I suppose as I have watched telling these types of things to anyone close to me.

[CaliGuy]

Ugh ...

So W shows up late to the soccer game with S ...I bit my tongue and did not say anything. Our nanny was there and we were talking and goofing around then all the sudden W flips saying I was making fun of her, she storms off ... like a 8 year old. Evidently the nanny was giving her grief about being late, not inviting her to all S functions ... got her worked up and yours truly says one thing and I get the entire backlash .... so now we are back at fighting ... been weeks since we have had an argument and this one was not even me! She did give out some info about me pushing us dating more, I simply told her I would like to atleast talk more ... she did ask why I am not calling/pursuing (I did not say anything other than I felt I would be pressuring her if I did that ... I respected she needed space .. the divorce support group book was in her car and she did mention it was not what I thought it was ... not sure as it was still a heated exchange but I kept calm, used the quiet voice ... I do feel I did well ... but the squirrel is loose and running ... just hope its not a big set back ...but looking at the big picture I suppose with last weeks boundary it was going to happen ... either we cross this hurdle ... or she is further back in the tunnel and I have to wait more.

I did say a few things I regret .. I told her go ahead and run .. enjoy her date, I would be the parent as she leaves our S during the soccer game ... she did come back .. but still blames me for ruining the day, says she can not be with me ... I am only wanting her for her looks and to control her. I simply validated, and told her I care about her, and all that makes her ... has little to do with looks.... more to do with our marriage and our family.

I really hate this rollercoaster

[Atsbaby]

Hugs!

I feel your frustration CaliGuy! I let mine get too close and now I'm back on this stupid roller coaster.

What if you were less available on the weekends for her. I know you want to be there for her, especially emotional, but I think this is where you need to pull back. She knows you're going to pursue, that has been what happened in the past (our R was the same way). Pull back more, GAL more Saturday and Sunday without her. Go to work, then pick up S and take him to church with you. Just tell her you have plans with S and leave.

You'll get though this, just like we all will. Hang in there!

[Georgiabelle]

Caliguy ( or Caligula as my autocorrect stated:),

I'm sorry you find yourself here. You've received some great advice and it is quite a roller coaster. I'm not an expert, however, when you pull back, you have to pull back. Not pull back for a few days and then let the floodgates open. Detach for YOU! Your W wants to know (and this far she has been proven true) that you are there to catch her. It sounds like you are going a good job GALing so keep it up.

Yes, you can go pretty gosh darn dark with kids. Keep it to logistics (kids, finances. etc) and you will feel so much more relaxed and relieved. Your W wanting to try? Hmmmmmmm. Sounds like a temp check to make sure you are there. Actions speak much, much louder than words.

Keep up the good work and hang in there!

[CaliGuy]

Atsbaby, Georgiabelle ... Thank you so much for your words .. I was frustrated and read them from my phone yesterday morning and it helped me so much ... seriously thank you.

So Atsbaby:
Yes I know you are right ... Weekends are hard, especially now as she admitted to me she hates being alone (OM appears to be out of the picture finally now ... no sign nor talk of him for about a month now) So she uses excuses to do things and in a way I have allowed most .. .I have here and there told her I had plans to which she was upset and in the past month accused me of having someone else .... total Temp Check from what I can gather.

Georgiabelle:
Again ... you are spot on ... and I did not realize she was Temp-Checking until you pointed it out. I was doing very good at detaching until I was sucked in last week and then only pissed at myself after being used.


So update time.
This may strike some as strange .. but for me its been working, and helping me understand a few things that currently have been going on .. and looking back its something I should have been doing. Reading the DB book I came up with the idea to track my days with W .... 3 categories. +, -, and Z ... pretty simple ... Positive days, Negative/Backslides, and Z is no/little contact. I will make the size of the symbol reflect the sitch ... goal was to avoid the negatives, and try to string as many positives as possible. Another thing I track is her cycle, the PMS really has a bad effect on her, she even admitted that after I pointed it out on Saturday she stopped herself and went and ran with her girlfriend. She told me its like the chemicals take over and she turns into someone she just isn't.

So Saturday was a day like this .... I was happy with how I handled it, I spoke softly for the most part, or went dark. I did get frustrated and was going to throw in the rope .. even told W that I was done, had nothing left emotionally to invest and she could find someone else.... it was apparent that she really did not want that ... She later admitted she uses me for comfort, and is scared to get close. Late Saturday night I was able to fire a few truth darts that I think actually stuck. Time will tell.

There was a Divorce book in her car when we talked ... she told me it was not what it looked like, it was from the church and it was about trying to fix things ... I am not sure I buy that ... but I would have a hard time believing that a church would promote any D ... so I will take that as a small positive.
Sunday I got to her place and we went up to see her brother (In Jail) ... we actually talked a bit, laughed about a few things that happened Saturday during the "fight"... I even told her about a pair of earrings that I bought her during the gulf war (She refused to wear them) that I found and sold at a cash for gold place for $275 ... she wanted the money in a funny way ... she was tired and had me put my arm around her and she used my shoulder to fall asleep on. This made me feel amazing, it was like when we were together .... physical contact is definitely my LL .... Finally seen her brother who I never really got along with but have made a connection with as I have tried to be there for him and her during a difficult time (180) ... he told me that he feels she loves me deep down but is a scared kitten who I need to be gentle with, he also told her to try ... she asked me to make him laugh as he was getting emotional ... so I did .. was a good visit and one I came out of looking and feeling good. So Saturday was bad .. but Sunday was good ... if anything positive could come out of Saturday I was able to tell her that her actions did not make it appear she was working on us ... Sunday night and this morning it appears she is making an effort to talk to me ... just light talks asking how I slept, telling me about her other brother who was upset .. I was there for her, told her why he was upset and it had nothing to do with her .... just being that guy she can count on right now.

I have realized my 180's have been changing things ... little to big ...
Open the car door for her no matter what.
Do not yell back/fight no matter what, just state my feelings and do not let emotions take over.
listen ... stop interrupting her or telling her she is wrong .. validate.

So now ... the week begins and typically she will go dark on me, I told her how this made me feel very matter of fact ... she asked why I don't make contact and I explained to her that I don't want to interrupt her life if the life she chose did not involve me as it has been over the past 10 months. Seems things have turned ... I think she wants to try but as she told me for her to try she has to trust me, something she is struggling with, looking at a few books she is reading she appears to be working on this issue, so I just have to not scare her off... continue on working on me, and know this month will be hard for her with her brother getting sentenced later this month.