Wife Still in MLC but has now left #3

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Matt,

Everything you said is an echo of my own thoughts. I think everyone will agree that it is very hard to stop taking care of and having concerns for someone after you have done it for so many years. I recently found a statistic that about 90% of all marriages where one partner is clinically depressed end in divorce.

My wife has also told me I will be happier without her. I think the biggest stumbling block for us to move in that direction is our concern for our children and the effect that their parents depression has on them. I think if we both can get that house in order our lives can move in a better direction. I am hoping for me that it starts on Monday when I go to court for the filing of a court order where I will have the final say in things concerning our children. My wife signed off on the agreement and it will go into effect at the court. I hope you can get some support in the court system to help protect you children and have some peace.

[AJM]

LT and Matt - I had the same speech from my ex. Later it was anger and all kinds of things. I chalked that up to her dealing with her pain of the divorce. Never mind that she married the OM etc. I don't honestly think she really even likes him to be honest and forthcoming. I think he was a way for her to make the leaving "final" if you will.

But I can tell you that I am much happier without her and her drama in my life. I won't go into detail, but it's been a wild ride. My kids are mostly grown now - one in college and one a senior in HS. Like you, I was the one left behind to pick up the mess with the kids. My daughter is VERY angry and takes it out on me. She has since her mom came back to her and wanted to be friends. Like many MLCr's, that's the opposite of who she was and to the detriment of my son. It's sad to watch knowing that I can't do much for him to change that. I can only help him deal with it. At some point, I'll have to do the same for my daughter.

And I'm tired of it all. Even though she "left" I was the one that had to end the relationship. She's been abusive, angry, making up all kinds of things, etc. Typical, but no fun if you ask me

I've learned that she has nothing to say worth listening to. It's all about her and her feelings. She'll end a conversation telling me how happy she is etc. I just wish her well and move along because I've learned there is no talking to her. Or her H. Together they are really a piece of work to say the least.

I knew I had to be the one to leave the relationship after she moved out. I didn't want to per se. But if I didn't, it would go on indefinitely and the woman she is now is NOT anyone I knew.

I mourned the past. I grieved. I made mistakes in how I handled things. But now, all these years later..? I can look back and see that the hard decisions I made then were good decisions and the right ones. Life is what it is and it's good. For my ex? I hope so, but outward indications would say otherwise.

I'll be honest, I hate that for her. I really do. But it's way beyond my control and influence. I've learned that although I know when to walk away, I don't go willingly. I'm optimistic and loyal. But I've also learned to be realistic and to make the hard decisions and live with them. I have a lot of peace with the way I handled things.

It is my hope that you will as well when you look back on these years. I think you will even if some parts you don't like. You'll come to grips with the guilt of being happy she's gone even though your kids are not happy with it. You'll realize you can't help your W. Sad as it is, she has to want to be helped. Really want help, vs. living off the Taco Bell diet of help that somebody who wants something from her will give.

She'll either come to terms with herself, her choices and her life or she'll become a very bitter person you won't want to be around. You've seen some of that already.

She's dealing with deep-seated issues. Wish her well, protect yourself and your daughters, and detach from the outcome. It'll be best for all concerned if you can do those things. It won't be pretty as she processes things in "her" way, but it will be better in the long run.

It wasn't what you wanted for your life, your daughter's lives, nor your W's life, but it is what this life is. Now you need to deal with it as it is. I think you are well equipped to do so even while you grieve the past you had.

Smile because it happened, right?

Peace,
AJ

[Lifes Twists]

AJ,

Thanks for a bit of your timeline and what reactions your wife had along the way. I have had to learn a lot along the way about making the hard decisions and I am still learning. This is her second attempt at divorcing me. Based on what I learned during the first attempt I had my lawyer file a counter claim immediately after I was served so I have some control and can decide to keep it going even if she drops it again. The parenting agreement that is about to be filed in the court has a lot of hard decisions that I am sure make her very angry with me. I have to live with these as it is best for my daughters. I think both Matt and I appreciate your guidance based on your experiences.

[pbetra]

Hi Matt, Just dropping in as I have been so busy.
Funny ...
A few months ago my h also mentioned that we would be better off without him. What is this? An admission of guilt/ inadequacy? Self consciuosness re their shortcomings ?

I noted that more than one MlCer said it ... they seem to be aware of 'something' deep down inside.

[uRworthy]

Matt, I'm just going to say it. Let the father thing go. It is eating you up...making you go round and round.

He is who he is. Your w is who she is right now. No amount of analyzing is going to change it.

You dont have to like it, but, you do have to accept that is what it is at this moment.

It is weighing you down. It is sapping your energy. Energy better spent on you and your kids.

Let it go. Leave them to their stuff. Your job is to get out of the way of it.

Trust me I know that you want to get your mind around it. We tend to want to understand as a way of accepting things.

But you know how it isnt logical for a child to get cancer? Its hard to accept.

You cant get her and her dad because it isnt logical. Life is like that sometimes. When it is, you just have to let go of the need to understand.

Let it go, Matt.

[Matt165]

Thanks everyone,
You had some really important things to say AJ, thank you. Good to see you pbetra! Who knows what is going on in their heads? I am starting to think MLC is a disease and the "script" is just the common symptoms! It affects the same area of the brain of the "victims" and causes them to say and do and think the same things! Ur, you are right. I just hate to see such an evil person get what HE wants, whatever that may be. I also know that as long as he is so much in my W's life, he will also be around my kids and he says the most awful things to them about them! They are still teenagers and having an adult who tears you down as horribly as I have seen that man do to them, my W and others (including his only son and name sake) it can't be good for their self esteem, especially when their own mother won't do a thing about it and usually ends up backing him!

It happened again this morning. My D14 called me late last night (almost Midnight) and asked if I could take her to school as her mother, once again, was "too busy" to take her! Of course I said I would as it's for HER, NOT W. Of course I also know that my W knows I won't say no and uses that fact to not have to put herself out! I hate that. I also saw her walking home from school yesterday carrying a huge backpack (they don't have lockers in her HS! Can you believe that?). She had left school 20 min.'s earlier, and she was still a good 10 min.'s from her mom's! I was on the highway and past the exit so by the time I could have gotten to her, she would be almost, if not at, her mom's so I didn't stop. Today I left work early enough so I could pick her up as it was 100+ degrees out today! I can tell she is grateful but at the same time isn't going to say anything "bad" about her mom. It really bugs me that my W is still using me like that. She seems to want to put everything ahead of our D14's well being and justify it by knowing that she can count on me taking up the slack like I'm still her husband AND still complain about me not paying for enough of her "needs" (which isn't true). I pay my share and I also give my D's my time and attention. Something she hardly ever seems to do.

Part of me feels like I'm "enabling" my W to get away with not doing what she should be for our D14. That by always being there when she is unwilling to put herself out, I'm making her life easier and mine harder. But at the same time, I don't want my D14 to suffer because her mother is too selfish to do what she should be either. It's a hard place for me to be but for now, especially with my d being so upset about the new school and feeling very lonely, I'm going to do whatever I can FOR HER!

[Wonka]

Matt,

You're not enabling W by picking up your D14 or whatever else that needed to be done for her.

You're doing it FOR D14 as the only reliable and dependable parent that she can count on to support her as she makes new transitions.

And she'll remember this for a long, long time. At some point, D14 and W's relationship will deteriorate and it will be squarely on W's shoulders for being emotionally unavailable to her own daughter(s).

So sad.

Your MOST important job right now and going forward is being the best father to your DDs.

[Ss06]

I agree with Wonka.

Your responsibility to D14 FAR exceeds any other responsibility you have right now.

As my H would say, "your efforts will keep her off the pole" which is a VERY rude way of saying you're giving her stability and teaching her she can rely and trust you to be there ALWAYS. This is SO important and it is ONLY for her.

She's 14, she knows you're stepping in where your WAW SHOULD be. She's bright and she knows.

Keep it up. She needs a hero right now and you're doing it.

[Lifes Twists]

Matt

What Wonka and SS are saying is correct. Last year when my wife left she had my girls so confused they refused to even talk to me or be with me. I have seen that shift almost 180 degrees because I was the reliable one, I was the stable on, I was the one there for them, I did not give up. Don't look at it as enabling your wife. If you do you are giving her too much credit. Look at it as enabling your daughter to have as stable and normal a childhood she can given the circumstances. Doing that will be the best gift you can give her and she will remember it in the future.

[Matt165]

Thank you so much Wonka, Ss and LT!
These were my thoughts (doing this for D, not W) exactly. Sometimes it's hard not to get caught up in the MLC craziness. It's almost like being sucked into their selfish world where everything starts to be about THEM. I see her not being the parent she ought to be and think that it's because she knows I will step up and be there for our D's when the truth is she would be doing the exact same thing whether I was able to do so or not! It's so very sad and so hard to comprehend that she has become so unbelievably selfish even when it comes to her own D!

I know it makes a difference because of how my D19 feels about things now. She recognizes that I have always been the one parent she could always count on. The one who made sure that she got picked up on time, got to go to her friends, took her to get her prom dresses, took her to her school dances and was waiting to take her home after. Just last week after her mother told her that she should come and live with her, my D19 said that she knows that her mom is too "undependable" and she just couldn't trust her to do the most basic things. So very sad that a 47 year old mother can be seen by her 19 year old D as "undependable". One of the reasons that I want the business that I'm at now to work is because it allows me the flexibility to do the things like take my D14 to school in the morning if I have to, pick her up after etc. I will say this, I know that all that my W has put me and our family through has really hurt my ability to make it work. All the drama, all the worrying about what she is doing, what is coming next, will she file or not, are my D's going to be alright, her just not telling me that she stopped putting money in the joint accounts and all the extra work it took to fix the problems that caused, on top of all the other things like the IRS audit, her just showing up at my home and taking things, heck just the normal day to day things that come up, has really taken much of my attention off of getting my business to where it should be!

I'm seeing more and more how my W's MLC that started a few years ago, has really made all of our lives (my D's and I) so much harder, so much more full of drama and strife than it ever should have been. How does she (and all of the MLCers for that matter) not see the damage they have and are causing is such a mystery to me. She was at one time a really good wife and mother. She took the girls to field trips, helped them with homework, was just THERE for them. How can she not see how she has just turned her back on them (and me) and caused them so much pain and hurt? Are her unresolved issues so painful to her that she just doesn't care or is it that she just doesn't see? No matter. It is what it is and I had better just get myself to another level of being able to do more than I ever thought I would have to. Because if I don't do the things that my D's need from their parents, they won't get it at all!