First post - My WAH story

[Bob1967]

And one more comment.

When your husband said, "Then I'll need your version. I don't think it's flowery or Disney. And yes, I am happy. Sad and very emotional at times, but ultimately doing what I feel is best for me."

I thought, "This dude is a tool."

I'll bet all the guys who read your post thought the same thing.

You can talk to him--but not about this issue.

If he brings it up say, "I'm not discussing this anymore."

If he's says, "Why?" don't respond.

He knows why.

[labug]

Then that's his decision. Your h clearly wants to *appear* a certain way. Friends will either inquire or not. Again, you don't owe everyone an explanation of anything.

I would just ignore his comment. He will do as he wishes. Hope you are feeling better today!

Yes.

Let it go.

For most people it will be old news in about a week.

And about telling your truth versus his truth-I'd be very careful about what you share with anyone, family included.

The less you say the better.

WE used to spend a lot of time in Tahoe! Love that place.

[Jacket]

Thanks for the input everyone.

Bob, I've recently realized he's a tool as well.

In fact, I'm starting to wonder why I even want to R. I'm starting to just feel super discouraged and feel like I could do a lot better. Unfortunately that's creeping into my interactions with him. I'm tired of being nice and compassionate and understanding. NC, with the exception of this stupid BS, is making me more and more angry and I just want to be done.

Feel free to hit me with the 2x4s. I'm just feeling really frustrated.

[Jacket]

I'm back from Lake Tahoe, after a really fun time with my wonderful friend who's been supporting me throughout all the madness from the very beginning. We had an amazing time hiking, going to the beach, winning a little bit of money in the penny slot machines, and listening to an awesome band at dinner. I had a great time! I even got hit on at the casino (that was actually really icky) but it made for a funny story throughout the weekend.

H sent out the freaking email yesterday to 10 people. What was really dumb is that 4 of the people he sent it to already are completely updated on the situation - his sister, our mutual friend who we each see separately every couple of weeks, the best man at our wedding, and his co-worker who helped me move out. He has asked me to send him a list of who I'm going to email and to CC him on it as well. He plans to change his FB status on Friday. Only one person has responded to the email as far as I know, unless others have responded only to him. She was very supportive to both of us.

I had a phone session yesterday with my coach, and even SHE expressed discouragement at my H's attitude. She noted that he seems really checked out and was saddened at his big push at sending out this email. It's hard to be hopeful when even your DB coach seems to think R is not really a possibility. After talking to her, she told me not to bother sending out an email myself unless I really feel like doing so (at this point, there's no one else who I really think I need to tell), so I'm planning to just skip it. She also told me to go ahead and date if I feel like it. When I pointed out that a lot of others on the boards discourage that, she said that that's usually because others' spouses are often on the fence about R, and dating others can further complicate things. In terms of my situation, where I have employed the LRTs and have been doing well with my 180s and GAL, and my H still doesn't seem to give a rats' a$$, she said she doesn't think it'll complicate things. I feel like she's telling me to just go ahead and move on, too. Sigh.

In the meantime, while I feel like I've done a better job at detaching (i.e., I no longer feel the urge to snoop or even wonder what H is up to with other women, even his LF), the incredible anger at the whole situation has settled in. I have been SO ANGRY all week. My dad and my L went through the financial information over the weekend, and our numbers are vastly different than what my H had come up with when he drew up the D papers, which, BTW, I still have not received. I actually felt the urge to just go ahead and file myself, but my L advised me not to, if I still possibly want to R. (I'm not even sure about this anymore.) My DB coach also advised me not to (though it would certainly be a 180 for me), unless I was really ready NOW to go ahead with D. Part of me just wants to so I can rub it in his face that he's not going to be as financially set as he thought he would be when we D. He thought he was just going to waltz off into the sunset with our house, and me owing him a huge amount of money (I have a lot saved up in my retirement account, which he factored into the paperwork). My dad, who is a CPA, and my L, have figured out that if he keeps the house, he will owe me twice as much as he thinks I owe him, because he undervalued our house and also "forgot" to factor in that he is a partner in his firm and made a big profit last year. I am dying to rub this in his face, but instead am controlling myself and just venting here.

We're both invited to a birthday party this Sunday, and I just messaged the hostess to say I won't be there. She was totally understanding (she's the one person who emailed in response to H's email), and I honestly feel relieved. Frankly, I don't think I will be able to be there and be civil let alone smile at my H. I'll let him go and field all the questions about our D. Also, I've been invited that day to go out with my friend and her French guest again. We're supposed to have a picnic. That sounds a lot more fun than hanging out with my H the Tool and all our mutual friends.

[pilot]

Sounds like you had a great trip. Sorry your H had to ruin your coming home. He does sound really detached at the moment. And I know how you must feel like throwing in the towel if even your DB coach is not optimistic. All I can say is keep doing everything you can for yourself and to make yourself a better person.

Hang in there Jacket!

[Ss06]

Jacket,

I'm so sorry things feel so hopeless. Hang in there, babe.

I love that you had a great time in Tahoe. What a gorgeous place. I should go back. It's so peaceful there.

I also kind of love that H and his L miscalculated the financial facts of the situation. Can't wait to hear more about that.

We're here for you.

[Jacket]

I also kind of love that H and his L miscalculated the financial facts of the situation. Can't wait to hear more about that.

Actually, as far as I know, he doesn't have a L. He definitely did all the paperwork himself. He felt our situation was "simple enough" that it would be easy for us to do it without mediators or lawyers. I mentioned his findings to a L friend of mine (she's the parent of a kid I've seen for speech therapy for the last 2.5 years) and she said, "THAT doesn't sound right AT ALL." I'm grateful I have someone looking out for me.

[LisaB]

Hi Jacket, I just wanted to say hello. Sorry your situation seems bleak. I'm glad that you are not sending out that email, and it sounds like your H is being a dummy about it still.

You are doing really great! Keep your chin up and keep on enjoying life. I don't know why but something about the way you write really reminds me of a friend of mine. When I read your thread I see her face.
She went through separation and divorce a few years back. Her H was really checked out. She started GAL and held her head high. Eventually I think he attempted to reconcile but she was over it. Anyway, she is getting married in a few weeks to a guy who is perfect for her. Her exH is still a big unhappy loser. She is much better off without him.

I hope that you keep on feeling good about life and embrace your new adventures. Who knows what the future holds. Let your H enjoy the party where everyone will be asking uncomfortable questions while you enjoy eating some brie and baguettes in the park with your friend and her french guest!

Hugs, LisaB

[Jacket]

Thanks for the encouragement, you guys. You're great.

I'm happy to hear about your friend, Lisa. I can only hope things turn out so well for me. Sigh.

I am feeling good about life and embracing adventures. I've got a bunch of fun things planned for this month, too, and am excited about those. It just saddens me that I'm changing so much (for ME and for the better) and it doesn't seem to have any effect on H. In fact, it seems to be pushing him further away. I'm only two months into our actual separation and I feel like my patience is wearing completely thin already. I know it's a marathon, not a sprint, but I've never enjoyed running. =P

[Ss06]

I am SO glad you have someone looking out for you, too, Jacket.

Strangely, you remind me of a friend of mine as well.

You said that it saddens me that you're changing so much (for you and for the better) and it doesn't seem to have any effect on H.

A long time I went to an IC and I was discussing my frustration with how I felt like I'd made some significant changes but that H was acting like I was still my old self. This is basically what she said:

"Let's look at it this way. You've been red all along. Red. Red. Red. Going through life being Red. Then one day you make efforts to become more blue. It's not easy but you're doing it. After some time you're even more blue. Eventually, you're very BLUE and are walking through life as if you're blue and no longer red. Things for you are different because of this. However, your husband still sees you and expects to see you as red. He doesn't see you're blue for a looooong time and in some cases, not until you point it out to him. He may see that you're a little bit purple and then after some time more blue and then eventually very blue. By the time he completely realizes you're totally blue, you've been Blue for a really, really long time."

Get it?

You're turning blue... he only sees that you're still red. MWD says NOT to discuss your changes with your spouse. I think this is good advice but man it's HARD when you just want to point out a little that maybe he could see that you're a little bit purple.

Hang in there.