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Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Starsky309] #2486780
09/10/14 03:15 AM
09/10/14 03:15 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Train Offline
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Train  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2014
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Answer (from THIS woman): It's not.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Starsky309] #2486781
09/10/14 03:20 AM
09/10/14 03:20 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
Los Angeles. CA
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Ss06 Offline
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Nope. It's not. Arcola, as a woman I will honestly say that a sappy, needy, pursuing, clingy man is a HUGE turn off. You're emasculating yourself.

Ever heard of the term "nebbish"? That's how you're acting:

nebbish: (yiddish) a person, especially a man, who is regarded as pitifully ineffectual, timid or submissive.

Gather up your man parts and stop touching her!!!

Last edited by Ss06; 09/10/14 03:28 AM.

M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Ss06] #2486807
09/10/14 05:11 AM
09/10/14 05:11 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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Okay, thanks for the criticism. I needed that. I know I tend to fit that term being that I'm an easy going guy in general. Nonetheless, I need some solid advice on this one:
This weekend our city is having Ocktoberfest. Most of my W interaction with OM outside of work has involved the kids. I've decided how I'll respond if she plans on taking our kids to the festival but with OM. So my question is would me asking her for us to take our kids to the festival be pursuing? I just want to be out with my kids and have a good time, not necessarily be out with her. Please note I have 5 kids ages 6mos, 2, 3, 3, and 8. So its not that easy to just take them alone.

Last edited by Arcola; 09/10/14 05:14 AM. Reason: sentence left out
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Arcola] #2486818
09/10/14 07:04 AM
09/10/14 07:04 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,926
NY
Cadet Offline
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NY
Originally Posted By: Arcola
Okay, thanks for the criticism. I needed that. I know I tend to fit that term being that I'm an easy going guy in general. Nonetheless, I need some solid advice on this one:
This weekend our city is having Ocktoberfest. Most of my W interaction with OM outside of work has involved the kids. I've decided how I'll respond if she plans on taking our kids to the festival but with OM. So my question is would me asking her for us to take our kids to the festival be pursuing? I just want to be out with my kids and have a good time, not necessarily be out with her. Please note I have 5 kids ages 6mos, 2, 3, 3, and 8. So its not that easy to just take them alone.

So how can you go without her?


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Cadet] #2486917
09/10/14 02:54 PM
09/10/14 02:54 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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Well I can go without her, I just really fear the safety of the kids if its just me. The other option is to take my youngest ones and allow her to take the oldest. Unfortunately, my oldest is good friends with OM's daughter. Lastly, it would be to just not go and allow my oldest to go with W.

I hate that with my sitch my oldest child is friends with OM's daughter. I don't want to appear as the bad guy keeping her from her friends.


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Arcola] #2486927
09/10/14 03:03 PM
09/10/14 03:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,926
NY
Cadet Offline
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Cadet  Offline
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Originally Posted By: Arcola
Well I can go without her, I just really fear the safety of the kids if its just me. The other option is to take my youngest ones and allow her to take the oldest. Unfortunately, my oldest is good friends with OM's daughter. Lastly, it would be to just not go and allow my oldest to go with W.

I hate that with my sitch my oldest child is friends with OM's daughter. I don't want to appear as the bad guy keeping her from her friends.


SO pick one of these options,
Pick the one that is best for YOU and your children.

Take her out of the equation.
You are making changes for YOU, not to try to win her back.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Arcola] #2487069
09/10/14 08:39 PM
09/10/14 08:39 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
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twinmom Offline
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Originally Posted By: Arcola
Well I can go without her, I just really fear the safety of the kids if its just me. The other option is to take my youngest ones and allow her to take the oldest. Unfortunately, my oldest is good friends with OM's daughter. Lastly, it would be to just not go and allow my oldest to go with W.

I hate that with my sitch my oldest child is friends with OM's daughter. I don't want to appear as the bad guy keeping her from her friends.



Do you have someone that can go with you, like your mom or dad maybe your brother or sister? I have twin 2 year olds, a baby that is almost 3mo, an 8yr old and 13yr old. I do LOTS on my own. Brunch at cheesecake factory just me and the kids, sure! It's not easy but it can be done. A good double stroller is my lifeline along with my Moby wrap!
At 8yrs old I am sure she has more than one friend and you can split the kids with your wife to make things a little easier like you take the 8yr old, the 3yr olds and then your wife can take the 2yr old and the infant.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: twinmom] #2487353
09/11/14 04:50 PM
09/11/14 04:50 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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Unfortunately, I have no family where I'm at. Being prior military I settled after I got out of the Army.

You are brave to take those many kids to a restaurant alone! I'm starting to do more things alone with all the kids that we used to do together. It gets crazy, but I'm seeing it can be done. I thank God for my 8 yr old because she can take the 3 yr olds to the bathroom if needed. And she's enough mature to know stay where you at if I step away for a minute.

Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Arcola] #2487665
09/12/14 08:17 AM
09/12/14 08:17 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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Posts: 99
I need some advice seasoned DBers. My W has started working a 2nd job and as of the first few nights come home later than what she she'd normally come home (she's had this job before, its seasonal). Anyway I feel some things up with her and OM. Moreover her taking this job again was supposed to be a way for her to have more money to move out. I really have no problem with keeping our 5 kids so she can go to work, but I'm feeling used when she can't come home after work.

I want to do something, but don't know what. My job isn't so flexible with me just working 8 hours or getting the job done and still making 40 hours in the course of a week. So with that in mind, what are some things I could do to take action towards this behavior?


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Arcola] #2487711
09/12/14 01:07 PM
09/12/14 01:07 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Florida
My wife pulled the same thing. Said she "wouldn't be late," and then came home at 1:15am. I had all of the lights out, the front door locked and the security system armed. Told her calmly the next morning that our family's home was not a hotel, and that if she was going to be that late again to not even bother coming home.

She never did it again.

You've got to learn to set boundaries, Arc. Read the book "Boundaries," by Townsend & Townsend. It's generally considered the definitive book on the subject.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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