Living the dream...one day at a time

[wishing, hoping]

Well there isn't anything I can do about it, but J will probably tell me about it. I know it will come up. Like we need to take the dog to obedience or something. The dog is smarter than OW, that's the problem. OW doesnt like anyone or anything smarter than she is.

I am going to try to let S handle his dad. He needs to learn to stick up for himself. If it gets worse I may intervene. J will just brush it off like it's no big deal or like it's none of my business anyway.

WH

[wishing, hoping]

Okay guys I didn't hear anything about the dog today but something else is weird. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I worked late today to make up some time and headed out to watch S and D at soccer practice. I'm still getting used to the fact that J and I are civil. I expect a blowup or for him to completely ignore me. Anywho we started talking about daycare and the leftover bill for D's care. We have decided to pull her from the daycare and put her in an afterschool program. He told me the balance was about $110 and did I want him to just pay it? I said can you email the bill to me and I will handle my half? He said honestly WH I think you have paid extra on the daycare bill and I don't want you to have to pay more than your share. That wouldn't be fair. Really?? That seems so....dare I say it....nice and considerate.

Maybe he is really trying and really sincere. Maybe he had a moment of clarity? I don't know. He also offered to let me borrow his camp stove for our camping trip this weekend. We were also talking to another mom and joking around and I said something light hearted about J like I used to when we were "together" and we all laughed, even J. It felt real. For a moment it felt like the old J. But I decided to leave then since it was getting cooler and practice was just about over.

But on the same token we were taking about S and his soccer and he kept mentioning about his conversations with OW. Is he trying to soften me up about OW by telling me we agree on things? I dont care what she says or thinks about issues with my kids. I don't interfere with her kids stuff. What she tells J should stay between her and J. I don't want to be in the middle of a crazy fluffernutter sandwich.

I am hoping the weather forecast improves. It is supposed to rain all weekend.
Not much fun for camping in a tent.

WH

[beatrice]

Hi - my eldest son has a theory that MLCers can do 'normal' for short periods and then the cracks show. Equally however J might want something!

I think at some point they want to be 'friends' again, but it is 'friends lite' No heavy lifting and absolutely no recognition that they might have behaved less than perfectly throughout (unless we are prepared to acknowledge we 'drove' them to it.)

But it is so nice when we aren't, for a short period, embattled in our interchange with them. Like a glimmer of sun breaking through on a very cloudy day.

[job]

I agree w/Bea's son, MLCers can only do nice for a very short period of time.

WH, I would go ahead and pay your portion of the daycare bill because I don't trust your h. He's being nice for some reason and I would definitely want to document that I paid my share of the bills when it comes to the children. You just never know when he may decide to have another round at you for not paying your share.

As for the ow, things aren't as rosy as he thought they would be when you moved out. He's taken on more than he can handle and at some point, being friends, he's hoping he can use you as a sounding board because he has no one else to turn to. Keep in mind, when the two of you were living together, he may have used the ow as a sounding board to speak in a negative manner about you. Guess what! The tables have turned and you do not need to be in his drama these days. I give you kudos for stepping back, listening and not offering up any comments, etc. about the ow.

Hang in there. Time will tell as to whether he is truly being nice or has an ulterior motive.

[Matt165]

Hi WH,
I totally agree. I have found that whenever I start to get "nice" it's because there is a storm coming! For an MLC to be "really" nice they would need to stop seeing you as this horrible person who "caused" them to hate their life. That takes much more introspection than most are able to muster. The "nicer" they seem, the more I would be on guard! Good luck!

[wishing, hoping]

Hello all

So over Labor Day I took the kids camping at my favorite state park. We had a great time. Got rained on a few times, but it was nice to get away and I can't believe I'm saying this but it's nice to "rough it". I actually prefer camping when you are roughing it and getting away from it all. No electric, camping over the fire, no tv, but of course we did have our phones so we had music and internet. LOL!. And I did have air mattresses. I just can't sleep on the ground. Never could. That's the only luxury I will permit myself.

Sometimes I stop and think WTH am I doing? A single woman in the woods with two kids trying to "rough it"? WH who do you think you're fooling? But then I realize...hey...I'm doing it. It's done. And I did it by myself. How many other moms go camping with their kids without a man to help out? I often surprise myself at how capable I really am.

I even think J is a bit surprised about what I am able and willing to do. He called to talk to the kids and asked about the weather since there was one day it absolutely poured in the morning. He asked how we did and I said, I did get discouraged when it rained after I just finished cleaning up from a previous rain, but I told the kids and the dogs to load up in the car and we got away and did some small shopping and got a change of scenery. It helped change the mood and when the sun came back out and it got hot we headed back to camp, cleaned up and made a better day. He was kind of taken aback by my response. I think he was hoping I was absolutely miserable. LOL!

But the rest of the weekend I was well prepared and dare I say it, I can now make one he!! of a good campfire. We roasted hotdogs, marshmallows, and smores, made pudgie pies of pizza, ham and cheese and even boston cream pies. I packed just enough food and plenty of drinks. We packed up a lot of stuff Sunday night since they were calling for rain that night and Monday AM. It did rain a bit, but not too badly. The only thing we really had to load up Monday AM was the tent and the stuff inside. We were packed up and in the car by the time it started to rain. So we drove around areas of the campground we hadn't seen and took one last stop at the cool nature center and drove by the south side of the lake and took a scenic route home. Lots of laundry and organization, but I'm ready to do it again. Thinking about going back when the fall colors come out, but need to come up with a way to warm up the tent if it gets too chilly. Any ideas? I didn't want to get a heater. Those things freak me out with the carbon monoxide issues. Too risky.

So last night J called and wanted to "work something out" for the first day of school (which is today). I called him back and I asked what he had in mind. He asked if we could ride together to drop off the kids at school so he could participate as well. HUH??? I asked him what he meant and he asked if I could pick him up before I dropped off the kids at school so he could be there too. Uh...weird. I asked him he was comfortable doing that and he said he would be fine. So I thought it would be good for the kids to have their father present, so I agreed.

This morning I picked him up and he came along with us, in my car, as we dropped off the kids. Afterward I took him back to the house, just the two of us. Talk about awkward silence. We managed to make small talk but honestly I couldn't wait to get him out of my car. Odd. Just odd.

This morning I emailed him to let him know D had a doctor appointment and to ask if he had seen S's house key. He told me he would look for the key and that he wanted me to include him on the plans for the kids seeing doctors and dentists because I had accused him during the divorce of not caring about the kids so he was very sensitive about knowing what was going on with them. I told him that was why I was letting him know about the appointment and asked if he wanted to attend all the appointments in the future because if we both had to be there it was going to be extremely difficult to schedule something. I am trying to be open minded and understand and appreciate his desire to be a part of the kids' lives whether it is for good intentions or not. I am hoping to "pave the path" and lead by example that if I do the right thing despite my anger he will mimic my behavior because that seems to be what has happened in the past.

I am trying to expect the best and prepare for the worst, which I don't know what the worst could be. Unless he is trying to say I in contempt of court for not notifying him, but I did notify him. It doesn't say in our agreement that I have to get his approval before I schedule something.

He did say he didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but clearly he is feeling left out or something. Well, so am I. And if he demands to attend all appointments I make, then the deal is the same for me, right? I don't know what he is trying to get out. I really think he is losing his mind.

Oh, And Job, I think J is correct about me paying more than my share of the daycare bill. I have receipts and copies of previous bills so I can document what I have paid.

Sorry about the long post. Sometimes, I wonder if I should truly let my guard down? Obviously what I was doing with J in the past was NOT improving our communications. And they say to do what works. Problem is, with J I always end up doing more than my share. Which is why I cannot be in any sort of relationship (that includes friendship) with him, short of co-parenting. Right now I am just trying to make that work and ATTEMPT to see things from his point of view.

WH

[kml]

WH - you've done an amazing job of being the bigger person. And kudos to you for the camping trip! Now you just need to find some adult friends with kids of their own to go on these trips with you - that seems to be the one thing missing right now, friends to do things with.

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks for the kudos KML. It seems like all my friends are married and can go on these trips with their hubbys. We did ask a friend of S's to come with us, but he had a soccer tournament so he couldn't make it. I am not trying to make excuses, but it just never seems to work out timing wise to go with others. Maybe next summer we can make it happen. And in their defense, this was kind of a last minute plan for Labor Day. I was just telling S yesterday it would be fun to get some of his friends' families together for group camping.

I'll keep trying for sure. One of these days something is certain to work out. I think I might need to branch out, but not sure which direction to go in to find new friends. Still trying to reach that higher ground.

WH

[wishing, hoping]

So it happened. It was only a matter of time. J called me and ever so subtly started complaining about OW. Ho hum.

I am starting the process of attempting to refinance the marital credit card in my name. The bank advised me to wait 60 days to ensure the first and second mortgages were out of my name and for the divorce to "register". I emailed the bank rep last week and this morning she told me we can start the application process. J has been chomping at the bit about this because he tried to get a loan to "consolidate" his debt. He was denied because his debt to income ratio is way out of whack (hmmm...have the tables been turned???). He called me to see where I was in the process and stated he talked to the bank and nothing has been done. I told him I had just gotten the okay this morning to proceed and he would just have to be patient.

He segwayed into discussing S and D's soccer schedule and was upset that they both have games on Sunday and he wouldn't be able to go to both since they play at the same time in opposite directions of the state. I told him we would need to tag team on some of these weekends and he reluctantly agreed I would take D and he would take S. But the complaints didn't stop there.

I texted him last night that one of D's friends was having a birthday party this weekend and let him know all the particulars; time, place, etc. He was upset that all these "&^@* parties" fall on his weekends. Blah blah blah...spend all this money and why do they always fall on my time??? I jokingly said I am telling all the moms to schedule on your weekends to tick you off. He said I know it's not you, WH, but it gets old. Hmmmm...really? I guess maybe he is discovering that money doesn't grow on trees? I told him if it was such a big deal I would take D to get a present for her friend and take her to the party and J could pick her up. He said he didn't know...he just didn't know.

He then admitted to me that OW had a family wedding she wanted them to attend that was "adults only" but that he "really didn't feel like going to the G-D wedding" and it was taking even more time away from the kids. Huh. Really? Wow. He also said he was getting tired of OW's deal with this wedding and really wanted no part of it especially since OW's mom is near death. I told him he needed to decide what he wanted to do about the party and my offer stands.

He then asked me my thoughts on whether our kids should go to OW's mom's funeral. I told him I think S is old enough to decide for himself if he is comfortable going and D has never experienced anything like this, so it was really up to him. He said it would be a good learning experience for the kids. WTF???

So really guys, crazy is as crazy does. It is all turning around now. And guess what? I am LOL'ing. I want nothing more to do with that huge bag of crazy and I will not give J advice on his relationship with OW.

I really feel it's time to spread my wings now and see what life has in store for me.

WH

[job]

Funny how he couldn't wait until you were out of the house and the divorce was done. The OW was his soulmate and wonderful person and he loved being w/her. Tables are turning far faster than I ever thought they would. Now, the man is seeking you out to ask your opinion on life, his time and his ow. That is just too crazy, sad and yet funny because he has no excuse now to vilify you.

He's finally getting a really good taste of what life is going to be all about. He never realized how much you did for the family and w/all of the games, activities and parties that the children will have now and years to come, well, old puff daddy better get a calendar to keep things straight because there won't be that much "me" time in the future for him. LOL!

WH, you are doing great and I think you are handling these discussions will. You can't help but shake your head when the conversations are done. Guess his life didn't turn out the way he planned it. Oh, well....

Live your life to the fullest and enjoy each and every minute of it. You've earned the halo and the wings after all that he has put you through.