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bdub Offline OP
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And just like that it all changes. She cancelled her plans to go out with friends of ours Friday night. She instead told me she was going to dinner. I asked her if it was with OM and she said yes. I told her that I could not accept that and that it crossed a major boundary. I said " When you do this I feel cheated, disrespected and trampled on" " If this does happen I will not be able to continue to cooperate with you as I have been". When she pressed for details I simply told her that I did not know how I would react, but I certainly would not be helping her the way I have been. After leaving the area for a few minutes she came back and said " it looks like I will sit her friday and stew about this, then go out Saturday and stew about this, and then go camping with you and the boys and stew about this" I said " we have major issues in our life and facing them is the only way to deal with them, they will not just go away" We decided that tonight we will sit the boys down and tell them most of what is going to be happening and use the weekend to help them cope and deal with the information.
I know this is not DB but I had to stand up for myself and I think I did it appropriately and I did it for the right reasons.


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bdub Offline OP
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Strap in the rollercoaster ride is in full swing. As I pulled in to the drive last night I saw a mutual friends vehicle parked by the house. Knowing this mutual friend was not one to filter her words or sugar coat her messages I immediately tensed up. She left as I was walking to the house and W was on the back patio and asked me if I would sit down and talk. I figured the friend had ripped her ass about how W was acting, and that I was now going to get unloaded on. W proceeds to tell me that she is done with OM and that our friend had allowed her to see what she was doing and how it was affecting everyone. W cried, talked about her guilt and shame and how shes very upset and angry with herself for allowing it to happen. She apologized and I accepted. I immediately forgave her and the emotion she showed after that told me that she was not expecting me to forgive. I asked her if there was anything I could do to help he, and I told her that I thought it was important that she take time to forgive herself in order to take some of the stress off her. Afterwards we cooked dinner for the boys and I could visibly see that she was less tense, and I could see in her eyes that she was not carrying around as much pain in her heart. I do not know if she has even told him, and I am not asking for proof. I may ask her to write a NC letter but now is not the time. I know she will end it, but it will take a while for it all to stop. There was just a new sense of relief and peace in her that I have not seen since their R started. Now I have to make up for all the time I spent focused on the A when I should have been busy DB.


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bdub Offline OP
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Had a pretty uneventful weekend after the rollercoaster ride of Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. We camped again with our friends and had a really good time. W went out with the girls from our circle of friends and celebrated her big birthday. She arrived at the campsite Sunday morning feeling pretty rough but I am certain they all had a good time. In order to help detach I kept busy with the boys most of the weekend and chose to stay home this evening while W and the boys went to mutual friends for swimming and a little cookout. I think I am going to find something to do Friday night and let her go to the camp with the boys since she has been spending a lot of time away from them. Since she said she was done with the OM she has not been on her phone texting and on facebook near as much and it has really made it a LOT easier for me to handle our split and her actions as a WAW. She looked at the house she is going to be renting and decided it was going to be ok for her. Not sure when she is planning on moving yet so as of now I still have time to work on 180s and preparing myself for her move.


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bdub Offline OP
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I have recently discovered that I have been putting off a lot of little tasks around the house, and in life in general. I have started noticing these little things and taking care of them immediately. I have even made a small list. A lot of the items are simple things like straightening up a clothes drawer, or sorting a stack of magazines. I had no idea how much stress that had placed on me. As I clear a few of these items at a time, I feel relieved, and I feel a pretty deep sense of accomplishment. Has anyone else gone through this?


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bdub Offline OP
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I have a question for anyone willing to listen. W has agreed to stop contact with OM. She is still living at home, though she has a place "rented" and is furniture shopping. I think she is hoping to be gone by Oct. 1. My question is this: How much, if any, proof can I ask for regarding ending her R with OM. It has been a HUGE issue for me and I was really relieved when she said she was ending it. Since then she has not said its over, but I have noticed that she is not texting or on Facebook or her phone. She acts better physically and emotionally also. However, I wonder if I can ask for proof. I worry that she has just gone under ground with it. I guess in the long run it doesnt matter much, because at least shes not flaunting it in front of my face anymore. If we were talking about trying to R I would request a NC letter and some sort of proof every few days for a while. However, she hasnt even moved out yet so I know I cannot go there right now.


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Hi Bdub, I'm confused by your sitch, but I am sure that you are ttoo. She says she has ended it with OM, but she has still rented another place and will move out in October? Do I have this right?

If so, what is the main reason she is still planning on moving out?

I sometimes do negotiations, and it seems like you do not have a very good position to negotiate from. She can start right up with OM, or someone else for that matter, and there is not much you can do about it. She is already moving out. So you may want to try to explain to her that you do not have any trust right now with W, and so ask her what is she willing to do to show that she is not communicating with anyone else. But put it on her to see what she is willing to do. And see if she has any empathy for you and your lack of trust. If not, at least you will know. Good luck.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Congrats bdub that sounds like a very positive turn of events.

I think before you proceed with any action you need to decide what your objectives are. What do you hope to accomplish by asking for proof? What do you stand to lose by asking for proof?

If she is still concerned enough about you and your feelings to try and hide the OM at this point then perhaps you should focus on that as a positive. Keep doing your 180s, continue to do the little things around the house that make you feel good and productive, become the man only a fool would leave. The proof your looking for will no doubt present itself through her continued actions far more so then anything she could provide to you.


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bdub Offline OP
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Thanks Hoju. I need to give that question 48 hours. As for right now I am going to take it as a positive that she is more focused on me and the boys and less so on the OM. If he infact is still in contact, its not even 1/3 of what it was 4 days ago. I know it takes time to let all that excitement go and knowing W, she will let him down easy.


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bdub Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Wet
Hi Bdub, I'm confused by your sitch, but I am sure that you are ttoo. She says she has ended it with OM, but she has still rented another place and will move out in October? Do I have this right?

If so, what is the main reason she is still planning on moving out?

I sometimes do negotiations, and it seems like you do not have a very good position to negotiate from. She can start right up with OM, or someone else for that matter, and there is not much you can do about it. She is already moving out. So you may want to try to explain to her that you do not have any trust right now with W, and so ask her what is she willing to do to show that she is not communicating with anyone else. But put it on her to see what she is willing to do. And see if she has any empathy for you and your lack of trust. If not, at least you will know. Good luck.

Wet, she is leaving because our marriage fell apart. ILYBINILWY, dont know if I married the right man etc. etc. . We are not working on our R at this time and we both agreed to that. I/we think we need to separate for 3 to 6 months in order to really decide if we want to work on our R and try to build a new marriage. I worked hard to get the A stopped because she was neglecting the kids, adding stress to our life, and not seeing how tough the split would be. She was putting so much emotion into the OM that she had nothing left for the boys, her friends or even working on splitting our marital assets. When she told me she was ending it, it was a HUGE weight off both our shoulders. Shes smiling again, shes decent to be around, I am not a nervous wreck, I am more supportive, and I can get through a conversation with her now.
When she was still in the OR she was trying all she could do to get our dissolusion done before she was even able to find a place to live. She didnt want the guilty and bad feelings that went along with being married and having a EA so she tried to cram it through the system. Now we are at least back to our 3 to 6 month trial separation period and that means the world to me. In the end, I will know we have done all that we could and I will agree to the dissolusion.

Last edited by bdub; 09/02/14 08:05 PM.

M42 W40
T17
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WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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Hi Bdub, I'm still trying to understand what your W is unhappy about in your marriage. Besides her OM, what is she unhappy about in your relationship that is causing her to seek an immediate divorce and moving out in October?

Did she serve you with divorce papers? It seems like you are working with her in moving forward with the divorce. Why not just let her do ALL of the work on the divorce? Delay it for as you can, instead of putting out an artificial (finances is not a good enough reason) 3 to 6 month period.

Keep your focus on your sons and helping them as best you can.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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