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Depends on your states laws, if community property state no...any debt incurred until filed is on both parties, even if the souse doesn't know about it.

Please consult with a lawyer so you know YOUR rights, whether you are standing or not, most will give you a free initial consult.

Best thing I did early in my sitch...


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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fthnluv Offline OP
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I woke up with the feeling of dread again this morning, in a nightmare that I again realize is real life. Lately, I often wake up at night and dread going to sleep again. For me, trying to fall asleep has always been hard. When I slow down like that I think. Right now, the last thing I want to do is think because I know I'll think of H and OW and what H has done to my life.

I went to bed after praying for God to give me a sign of which direction to go. To let go and move on as if we will never reconcile, knowing that He has an even better plan for me or to stand, for as long as it takes, with hope that H and I can one day reconcile and come out even better. As I was going to bed and about to watch some TV (to keep my mind from thinking) the channel that was already on happened to be playing the movie Pure Country. It just happened to be the part where George Strait is singing the words to "I Cross My Heart" which is the song we played for each other at our wedding ceremony. I'm not sure what to make of that. Is it a sign from God? Is it a crazy coincidence? Why, if it is a coincidence, did it have to be that song, which meant so much to us? I realize that there are going to be many (almost all) things that will remind me of him, I have been with H for my entire adult life, but did it have to be the very most personal thing?

My in-laws have the kids for the weekend, because they can see that I am weak and need a break. It is both welcome and very lonely. I don't feel like doing anything, even showering and getting myself made up and dressed. I don't feel like laying on the couch and watching TV because nearly all TV reminds me of H or what we no longer have. I don't feel like going anywhere. I don't want to obsess on MLC sites or reading books about MLC. It's like I want so badly to escape it but dwelling within it is somehow comfort too. As if, if I can blame all of this on MLC it won't hurt me so bad, I won't take it so personally. Then I find myself wondering: Is it really MLC? Even though it appears all the signs are there.

I imagine this is all normal. It just [censored]...big time!


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Aug 2014
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fthnluv Offline OP
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LOL! I didn't know the word s u c k s was censored! Sorry!


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
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fthnluv,

Feeling that great despair is completely normal. I did, too. And I wondered if I was normal.

Everyone here gets it, they really do. You have the best friends and support system in the world on this board.

You're going to feel those days, but they become less intense and more spread out over time.

You are early in finding out about ow. Please trust me. We all start off comparing and wondering. He didn't choose her as an upgrade. She's a bandaid.

They always always always affair down. She is not worth the time you spend on her. The only thing she has is a lie of who he really is. That can't last. And it won't. His mind is bouncing all over, trying to stop his pain. He doesn't know how.

This isn't just to make you feel better, this is the way it works. Ow is not love. It will play out on it's own, and die a natural death. Tempting as it is, do not focus on her, or even talk about her outside of here. They are NOT having the time of their lives, as we imagine. I know this.

So, off of that.... Your alone time is a blessing and a curse, yeah? As much as you don't want to, try to move forward a little bit. Minute by minute.

Try to force yourself to take the smallest step today to do something for you. Anything. Brush your hair. Brush your teeth. Don't beat yourself up about what you aren't able to do. This is hard. Just do what you can, and try to move a little.

I get the not watching tv and hearing songs that bring too much pain right now. That will get better in time.

I would go in my car, and park in an empty parking lot, just to let out the loudest scream-cry I could. I made myself hoarse....but I felt better. Cry it out. It does release the toxins. Then feel the feelings as they pass through you, and wash over.

I would go on walks, and set my pandora station to music H didn't listen to.... Then it didn't take me to sad places in my head.

You ARE normal. We've all had those days. Come here and vent all you want.

I feel you, ft. ((((((Hugs)))))))

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kml Offline
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Get up and out, you'll feel better. Go out with a friend, or go to something you like to do that you can;t do with the kids. Sitting home being depressed will not help you.

As for looking for "signs" etc - stop. The best thing you can do right now is focus on YOU - your health, your mental well-being, plans for a future that MIGHT not include H. You don;t have control over what he does or doesn't do, and you might discover, over time, that from a more distant perspective, he wasn't really that great of a husband or father. OR he might be inspired by your heroic example and snap out of his BS. But these are things you don't control. What you DO control is YOUR life and what you make of it.

For me, personally, as much as I fought for my marriage - this process caused me to let go of a lot of fears (after all, if my H of 24 years could dump me, what could happen afterwards that was scarier than that? Everything else seemed like small potatoes in comparison). What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? What dreams of YOURS have been on hold because of supporting your H emotionally, because of taking full responsibility for the home, because of leaning/relying on him? If he had DIED last week, what kind of plans would you be making for yourself to go forward and live fully???

Take some risks. Cut or color your hair, try a new activity, set some goals, but change aside for a dream trip, imagine a new life for yourself. If it's a fabulous life, you pursuing it won't push H away - it will intrigue him. If you sit home in your sweats eating ice cream and crying? Nope, not attractive.

Just get out there and LIVE and enjoy your life; I know it seems ridiculous to say that right now, but seriously - if he DOES come back, you'll regret wasting all this time worrying for nothing. And if he DOESN'T come back, you'll regret not starting your new life sooner.

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fthnluv Offline OP
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Thank you all, again, for your words. I think the issue I am having right now is that when I think of taking care of myself I don't really know how to do it. My H and I have been together since we were 17 and in high school. I honestly don't even know who I am without him.

Also, I am so worried about the financial side of all of this. H "says" that he does not want me to go back to work and my kids want me to stay home and he will likely be ordered a decent amount of child and spousal support but with his line of work (akin to what a public adjuster would do, only self employed in it) there is no guarantee of ANY income at some points during the year. I find myself researching and fearing having to live on nothing or next to it and that just seems impossible. The small "nest egg" of money that I have set aside that I recently have started dreaming about using to one day buy another home feels so insecure now. H says he wants none of it, but even if he keeps that promise I may need to use it to just pay the bills. In the meantime, he will have times of "feast" vs famine and I'm sure he won't be giving me any overage for the lean months.

The uncertainty and fear is almost paralyzing, especially on top of all the emotional stuff to deal with, with the unwanted D and the OW.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 129
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fthnluv Offline OP
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Also, I do believe I have decided against moving to where H is. I have no support system there (I certainly can't count on H to be it) and there really is no reason to believe he will be a better father than he has been. Heck, he hasn't even tried to call the kids since he left on Tuesday morning. He truly has run away from them as much as me (although he would vehemently deny this). I do believe he would consider it pursuing behavior and, if I am truly honest with myself, I think it is as well. I still want him to want me, need me and love me (thanks Cheap Trick for that amazing song!). Also, moving there would mean that the OW who is only in my imagination right now (she exists in reality but I don't know anything about her) would be in my real life and also my kids and I am in no way ready for that. I am researching moving to a less expensive home but maybe I shouldn't even do that, as it would reduce my cost which could reduce the support order.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
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This:

Quote:
My H and I have been together since we were 17 and in high school. I honestly don't even know who I am without him.


...was me too. You are a lucky gal, ft.... There are some wonderful people on this board to help you figure this out.

Read my thread about bacon, lol..... I'm doing that very thing now, figuring out who the he// I am, anyway. I believe it's the KEY to DBing.

Regardless of your H:

You better yourself, so if you and your H should reconcile, you're prepared for a better, more successful, and peaceful M going forward.

If you do not reconcile, you're prepared for a better, more successful, and peaceful Life going forward.

Keep getting up and getting going. Things are going to get easier. It's a rollercoaster, for sure....but the highs and lows become less extreme. One day at a time. Sometimes, one hour, or one minute. Just keep going forward.

Last thing....Take care of YOU. You can do this. smile

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fthnluv Offline OP
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Got up and went to church today. I will admit that the fact that it was my turn to teach the 3 year olds this week was much of the reason I forced myself to go and not hide in the "hole" of my home in my pajamas all day.

I'm really glad I went. I love the people at my church. I had recently asked for our "prayer chain" to pray for our family, I asked them to "Please pray for the total restoration of our family, living together again as God intended it. Please pray for each of us to open our hearts and our minds to God's will and perfect design for us." which I thought was about as vague yet specific as I could be. Of course, several members of the church approached me and asked about that. I, being brand new at this, and especially still completely raw about the OW broke down some and allowed them to comfort me. The wonderful thing is, they understand my desire to stand for my marriage and my faith that God can still do amazing things in my life, with or without my H but the support the fact that my biggest dream would be to reconcile our family with H. Much of my family will not support this, especially if they find out about OW (I'm going to try to keep that under wraps as much as I can). It just feels good to have support in person, even if they don't completely understand the dynamics of MLC.

I'm back home but stayed dressed. I think getting dressed may be a key action item of moving forward. I find it harder to wallow in my clothes than in my pj's.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
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We have all had those days where we don't want to get dressed, don't be hard on yourself this is a very tough time.

My exH income also varies greatly from month to month, but my monthly support is constant through out each year - its based on his yearly income which we look at each year. I then get the standard amount for New York state 27%. Child support is not based on your expenses only on his income.

Stay strong, you are so blessed


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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