Having another hard day today. Why do we do ok for a day or 2 then feel like it's day 1 again? I hadn't heard from H in 4 days (which is a first in 20+ years) and I'd refrained from contacting him but I had to ask him about $ today, which he responded to via text and I was polite and left it at that. I also saw a divorce lawyer today, I'll write more about that later, it gives me even less hope of how my life will be if H goes through with this. Again, UGH, I hate MLC!!!!
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Found out today that H can file for D in CA if he wants as I live here (even though he doesn't anymore, legally). That [censored] because it is a no-fault D state and I won't be able to fight it. He also can file for D in PA (which would be easier for him) but it is a fault state and they might require counseling (which I would consent to) but any lawyer would likely tell him to file in CA. I also found out that he can royally screw me, financially as well as emotionally, because he makes a good income but it is self employment income that is completely dependant upon his own efforts so me owing half of the business (him, really) is not something they would order and that means I am left with what the courts would determine for my spousal support and child support, which would likely be $2000 to $3000 less than I usually need to make ends meet with our current lifestyle. So, it looks like I have to do all that I can to get him to agree to an amount higher than he would technically be responsible for and put that in the agreement if he files, of course, if he stops doing business I am screwed.
On top of all this I could not stop thinking about how he has not only ripped himself from me (and I am still completely in love with him) but also all my hopes and dreams for my future. I will never go to Paris or Italy or other amazing places as we had always dreamed of. My kids might have to change schools. I might have to go back to work. This is all just too much on top of losing the love of my life. I feel like I have supported him in every way for 23 years and I'm getting my teeth kicked in as a reward.
I am hanging on by a thread to my faith that God can bring H to his senses and restore our M. I pray I have the strength to endure and that he comes around soon, although that is unlikely to happen, I know. Maybe never.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Fthnluv, it looks like we could be neighbors. And my H works in a state up north.
I hear you, your H made a decision that affects your life and your kids’ lives big time. I also understand about the hopes and dreams that might never be realized the way they were envisioned. But, you can still go to Paris and Italy. You will get your dreams back, trust me. For now you don’t need to think about it, you need to think how to protect yourself financially.
We have a joint business too, and H still works as a self-employed. I used to work as independent consultant through our business. I was not able to get a contract for the whole year after my last contract ended, so I applied for a full time position. Now, I have a regular job, so technically H can go for a spousal support if he wants. I just hope that he will not have the guts to do it. He prides himself as being fare and reasonable.
I also supported H though some rough times, when he was unemployed or lost money in his business. During the year that I was out of work I didn’t get an support and barely heard a couple of words of encouragement. I guess it was hard for him to deal with his own stuff (which was not going that great.)
Did you have a free initial consultation with a lawyer? Or did you paid a fee? Sometimes the layers tell you the things to convince you to file for D immediately and also use their services, and if it is a free consultation they might not tell you everything. I would talk to a couple more different layers to get all the info.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I don't know about PA's laws, but from what I've seen here, women seem to usually be better off in a community property state like CA unless there is egregious behavior on the part of the WAH.
Yes, it is unfortunate that your lifestyle will change in a divorce. It is always more expensive to have two households than one. If he is currently supporting you at a higher level than what you would get in a divorce, you might consider sitting on your hands until he files. But if you figure out it benefits you to file in CA, you may want to file first to ensure that.
Child support is a pretty clearcut formula, but spousal support is a bit more flexible. Do you have much in the way of assets? If you are afraid of him spinning out and not working in the future, you might choose to trade spousal support for assets like 401 ks or housing equity.
On the other hand - if his income goes up in the future, child support can be increased. If he's feeling guilty at the moment, you might want to strike while the iron is hot and get him to agree to a better settlement before his guilt dissipates (which usually happens pretty quickly).
And don't assume your lifestyle will be permanently impaired. You may learn to do more with less. You may start a successful business of your own. You may marry a millionaire for your second husband. Who knows?
I suggest you watch the movie She-Devil with Roseanne Barr. Her husband dumps her and she hilariously becomes successful while destroying him Very funny.
I make a lot less than my ex. I had to move to a less expensive part of town. My kids are older but I have been stuck helping them more than my ex. BUT - I have a successful business, professional prestige, have learned to play the drums in a punk band and have even played at SXSW in Austin with another band, I have a beautiful home, and I find it easier to manage the money I do have without my ex's impulsive spending.
If you want to go to Paris, you will go. Give up Starbuck's for a year or two and put that money in your Paris jar. Think creatively about how to save money.
Did you have a free initial consultation with a lawyer?
Yes, it was just a free initial consultation. I didn't really like her, to be frank. She asked me broad questions and then when I gave her specifics later she acted like I was lying before, when, as you well know, these sorts of situations with H's working out of state complicate banking matters... I'll keep looking for sure.
Originally Posted By: KML
Do you have much in the way of assets?
No, due to issues with a former business we lost our home and had to file BK a few years ago. We are left with quite a bit of old payroll tax IRS stuff from his former corporation that I might get saddled with 1/2 of though... Good times. I'm gonna look into the innocent spouse part of the IRS to see if I can file that.
It's not so much that I worry that I won't be able to do extravagant things in the future, it's more the hurt that the plans we have been making and dreaming about have been ripped away from me. I need new goals, new dreams. Heck, even watching someone have a baby on TV tonight made me sad because it reminds me of the happy times we shared that I fear are lost forever. I worry that all those amazing memories we made in the past, as well as those to be made in the future are now tainted, somehow.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Ummm....he wasn't paying payroll taxes for his employees? And now he has a business that you don't even have any access to his bank accounts or records?
Yeah, find an attorney you like. Don't take anything at face value. Run credit reports on you and H to make sure there isn't a lot of debt that you don't know about. somebody who cheats on his payroll taxes may well be hiding other things from you as well.
Even if you end up reconciling, I don't ever want you to blindly put your financial future in his hands again. It's a bummer to start over again as a single mother, but I would recommend that you start making financial decisions AS IF that is going to be your future. Start squirreling away any cash you can. Pay for things like car repairs and dental work while he's still footing the bill. Get you plan B in place. Do you work outside the home? If not, do you have marketable skills, or do you need to start taking classes? Can you stock up on canned goods and dried foods?
No, he wasn't paying payroll taxes for his employees a few years back. He was doing his best to keep the business running (construction industry which had major problems back in 2008-2009 with the recession) so he continued to pay his employees but did not pay payroll taxes or take a paycheck himself for over a year. The business eventually failed anyway. Obviously not the best decision. I had no control or input in this area.
No, I no longer work outside the home. I was in the insurance industry for 20 years so I could go back to that if I needed to. I had actually reapplied to college to go back and get a nursing degree, literally, the week prior to him telling me he wanted a D.
I do pretty good with our budget and I save well so I will just have to step that up and see what else I can reduce and/or eliminate to save even more.
In doing some reading on the payroll tax liability it looks like I may not be responsible for them after all as I had no role in the previous business and it was incorporated (he was an officer and paid the bills, that is why they are assessing him). I need to talk to our tax attorney about all of this to see where I actually stand.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Hi ft, I wanted to chime in about how you get sad watching TV and having something remind you of the past...I did the same thing. I couldn't listen to the radio because every love song, you left me song, can we make it song, etc. cut like a knife! That's normal for where you're at right now. It gets better. I can listen to songs now (still a few that get to me!) and see happy couples with long M's on TV or in movies and not get sad (again, sometimes it still hurts). It will slowly start being less and less painful as you start to move forward. This is why GALing is so important. Go out and make new memories that H isn't a part of. Talk about things other than your M and what H is doing.
Things are still fresh for you, ft. It WILL get better if you do what you need for YOU. You will make it. And you will come through this a better person for it!
Spoke to H for a while today. I made some good moves and some bad ones. I asked about his travel plans for next week (when he is coming in and leaving, which I need to know for logistical purposes with the kids) and when he advised that he was leaving sooner than I had previously asked him to (on our anniversary, I asked him to leave late so I could take time for myself rather than having to cry in front of the kids due to the date) I told him that I was disappointed that he had not considered my request enough to make it happen. He said he did it this way so he could avoid a red-eye, which he didn't want to do, I told him that because of his decision to D we BOTH will have to do a lot of things we do not want to do and that in the future he needs to respect my boundaries in this area. He said he was planning on having my MIL take care of the kids if I was not able but I know that he knows that I would not ask that of her, just to have time alone, so it will fall on me. That was frustrating.
I also asked him about travel plans for October because I am planning D4's birthday and I wanted to make sure it worked for him because he "says" he wants to still do birthdays and holidays together. He gave me a date that works fine but says this may not work in the future if it is too uncomfortable. I told him that I plan on not making it so but that we cannot control family. I also told them that, at this point, the D is discussion, no action has been taken so I see no need to tell everyone about it anyway. He did not argue with that. I also pointed out that if the reality IS that it is uncomfortable he may want to reconsider his decision of D (because, in his "mind" he envisions D to be a life still happily shared on special events) because the reality might be more than he is willing to accept and he may decide to stay for the sake of the kids, after all. (I know this is pursuing but it's also the truth and if all the options he pictured are not actually reality (which I already know) maybe he will reconsider and allow us the TIME we really need to get through this.) He did not say yes or no to this, he mostly just stayed silent and let me talk.
Only time will tell on all of this. Not getting my hopes up because I realize the reality of the situation. I must move on with my life as-if...
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
One of my best friends recently reminded me to think about what IS today, not worry about what could be in the future. So here's what I came up with for today:
TODAY H and I had a decent conversation, even without total agreement
TODAY I renewed my insurance license, just in case I need it
TODAY H and I planned to do D4's birthday together, as a family (even if we are not a couple)
TODAY I laid out that there will be boundaries he can't cross and I don't have to be accommodating as I have been in the past
Not too bad, all in all.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Very funny.