New here, my fairytale gone wrong

[fthnluv]

I hate to bring this up, but I feel you deserve to know. When he says there's no OW? In a man who was depressed, had to move to another state to work, lives with a newly divorced guy, lost weight, worked out, stopped sleeping with you, was religious but hasn't tried marriage counseling with you..........I've been here a very long time and I'll tell you, the odds that he DOESN'T have an OW (or OM?)are very very slim to none.

Yes, he says there is no OW but, obviously, I would be completely in the dark if there was and he was lying. I have no evidence of someone else but if there is not a PA or EA at this time I feel fairly confident that there's at least some interest in someone else. He no longer lives with the newly divorced guy (hasn't in about 9 months) and really has no contact that I know of with him. He mostly lives alone but works between PA and IL these days and when he is in PA he has a great, family guy who he shares the apartment with. This guy we have known for 15+ years and he is married and (as far as I can tell) is a wonderful man. I will say that my gut is telling me there is or soon will be someone else.

Snooping is not generally advised (because it interferes with our ability to do the things we need to do to work on ourselves and our behaviors) but I think in cases like this it is important for you to know whether an OW/OM is being hidden from you. You may or may not choose to tell him what you know if you find out (sometimes it's a better strategy not to let on you know at first) but you do need to know.

So check his cell phone records if you can (hundreds of texts to the same number, especially late at night? Multiple calls to the same number starting back around when things started to go south?) Check his credit card bills (lots of dinners for two at nice restaurants on Friday or Saturday nights? Unexplained weekend hotel bills at swanky resorts?). New female friends on Facebook that seem suspicious, around the time things started to change? DON'T ask him to "explain" charges - be discreet, he'll be mad about you snooping and he'll continue to deny but he'll block your access. I'm betting, though, if you bother to take a look, you'll see a pattern.

Unfortunately, the nature of his business has forced him to get his own bank accounts and cell phones from that area. He no longer uses the cell phone that he had when he left. I have no access to either thing. He does his own bills there and deposits $ online to our joint account here. Because he is self employed he had to get a business account in that name, back in PA and I am not on that. I have told him that if he proceeds to go forward with D and does not want me to have a lawyer look into "our" finances and such that he needs to turn over all his user names and passwords for his bank accounts and cell phone and I will do the research. To date, he has not done that. I have considered putting a spy program on his cell phone (when he has been home and I could get to it, to date he hasn't had it locked with a password) but I felt that was crossing a line I was uncomfortable with. Not sure if I would have this opportunity again when he comes home in 2 weeks.

To be honest, since I believe sincerely he is in MLC I kind of hope there IS OW because it feels like one of the steps most MLCers do and I just want him to get past it...

I am reading the DR book now and just signed up for coaching sessions. My situation is very unusual, I know. Funny thing is, it is still so nice and polite between us it's almost eery, I keep saying to myself "why are we getting divorced again?".

[fthnluv]

Spoke to a DB coach today and I have an action plan for H's upcoming visit, I wanted to see if anyone had any thoughts. She advised that I do not bring up anything about the status of our R or if there is or if he wants an OW. She says I have been doing his "dirty work" by asking all the questions and making him make choices. If the night he is home before my cruise comes and goes without any discussion about our M or anything related (finances, custody, etc) that is fine and I will still refuse to discuss it on the phone afterwards. This will be a 180 for me because I am a fixer by nature and like to get to the bottom of things and work them out and he knows how much this means to me so for me not to bring it up at all will likely really confuse him. She pointed out that any discussion of these things is another step towards D, which I do not want.

I'm a planner and good at taking and following direction so I pray that I can take her advice and handle this in a way that will help and not hurt.

Does anyone else have any thoughts or tips/suggestions?

[MrBond]

Have you read the DB or DR books? What your coach is telling you is in the books. You have to read them in order to understand the techniques that the coaches and us are referring to.

[fthnluv]

Yes, I am reading DR now. I'm pretty sure I understand them. I just hope I can implement them.

[BrightFuture]

fthnluv, sorry you are here and welcome to the community. You will get a lot of good advice here.

Your situation is somewhat similar to my, except I don’t have small kids. My H was working in another state when he delivered BD and ILYBINILWY speech. He never returned home to stay. He visited a couple of times in the first year. Last time he was in the house was this past May. I've heard pretty much the same script. He still hasn't initiated D, after more than 2 years post BD.

There is no known OW in my sitch. And just like you, sometimes I wish that there was one. It would probably speed up the whole process, I don’t know. As of today, he is probably still hoping to find his “perfect” woman. I have no way of knowing that though, there is very little contact.

It is great that you were able to speck to DB coach. You will have to do some work, to undo the begging, pleading, and pursuing. This was the first question my DB coach asked last year, when was the last time I did something that looked like a pursuit, or told H that I still wanted the relationship.

I like it that you are planning to go on a cruise and leave H to take care of the kids. I’m sure this will be an eye opener for him. I hope that reading the DB book and following the suggestions from coach and this board will give you some directions and help to survive this madness.

[fthnluv]

Thanks BrightFuture. Our situations are very similar, as you said. Having H so far away makes some things easier (I don't have to see him daily or weekly and feel the hurt "in person") but also harder because it is very easy for him to stay disconnected from me when he cannot even see who I really am (rather than what MLC is telling him I am/was).

I can't stand the thought of H with another woman but, as it is mostly likely TO happen (if it already isn't) I find myself, as with much of this, just wanting to get to and through that part and move on. The hardest thing about this all is that we, those who stand, have no guarantees that our stand will ultimately lead our spouses back to us. I was telling a girlfriend today that's it's almost like since I cannot fully let go and give up on my love for H (and for our intact family) I am still in limbo and will one day have to truly give up completely and move on, in another relationship, without H. That is scary for me. This is going to be, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done.

[Matt165]

Hi ft and welcome to the new "normal" of your life. I stinks but there is no way to avoid this ride as our S's bought the ticket and we're just along for the ride!

My W lived at home for a year past B-day. In that year nothing helped her to see things differently. In fact, it may actually work to your advantage that he is so far away! While in MLC, they jusy can't see us for who we "really" are. All the yeras we were together, all the things we have shared over the last 20 years should have been enough to at least slow my W down but it didn't. The fact that she was hurting our D's (ages 13 and 18) didn't slow her down. It really isn't about US, it's about THEM and what is happening inside.

My W is like your H. I have seen her do the same as you said your H has don, just stop talking to people who are close over some small slight. She never had someone in her entire life "break up" with her. In fact she was "proud" that she was always the one to leave! Very sad now that I realize how this has effeted her.

Hang in there. You will get through this. Do the DB fot YOU. Learn to be the best person YOU can and things will get better. I will follow youe stich and get back to you but just know you are not alone!

[fthnluv]

Having a rough day today. I have not heard from H at all in 3 days. I realize I should be ok with this as I really need to do the LRT and not pursue but it still hurts. We have 3 kids and he is supposed to be supporting me financially so it seems like we must have some sort of frequent contact. I haven't contacted him at all either, which is definitely a 180 for me. Thoughts of our marriage failing forever fill my heads today and make me cry.

How do you do the no contact thing when kids and finances are involved? Just wait for him to contact me (and bring up nothing about our R) and deal with what he is or isn't doing financially on my own from this end? Obviously contacting H and saying "are you gonna put that $ in the bank" will be taken as criticism but then again, I have to pay the bills.

Thanks all. I appreciate the support.

[2BHappy]

That is a hard situation. You have 3 small kids, and need money from H. AND trying to detach and LRT.
You may have to at least send a text or email, and the wording will need to be direct but open and light....
IF you have bills that are due now, send an email with the date due and amount, and say something like "when do you think we can get these paid" Maybe ask him if he can set up a date and amounts he can deposit in the bank,,so you dont have to ask each month...

Or enter here what you are thinking to send and let the vets here help you wordsmith it.

I know it has to hurt, but stay as strong as you can. If you pray, pray often and sit quietly.

[FunDad]

http://thegrieftoolbox.com/