Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
mindsin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
Here was her reaction (via e-mail):

I feel today is a really special day. Other than it is my birthday, I feel we have much to celebrate. It is a monumental step you took to be the one give notice, and landing on a really good position. I really do hope you take this job opportunity seriously, and not treated like everything else in your life in the past, that it is a given and you don't need to work too hard to maintain it.

That said, I also understand our situation adds a layer of complexity and sadness for you. I appreciate your messages this morning. I really do. I understand it as well. For the most of the past 8 years, I have fought really really hard to keep us intact. I did everything, or at least I thought, to make you happy. I thought loving someone, is to keep their happiness above yours. So I understand what you must be going through by giving me my space right now.

I think you should look at today as the beginning of a new chapter in your life. I will always be here supporting you, as long as you will have me, and as long as we maintain an amicable relationship.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
mindsin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Read carefully what 25 commented to you. In many of your responses, your pride still shines through.

That's why your W hasn't been trusting in your changes. Plus, you never mentioned that you lost so many jobs. Like the escorts, it does seem like it was a matter of you doing what you want and not considering a woman's basic need for security (incl. financial security) of her and her children.


THIS^^^ IS GOLDEN advice Mind's. Feeling secure is mandatory for a woman to stay in a marriage.

Some women stay in mediocre marriages solely b/c the man is a good provider.
So taking that security away or undermining it, by losing jobs or mismanaging money, is a deal breaker for many. Add to that, the escorts and you can see her point of view a bit more, yes?


Absolutely I do. Even with this new job, she fears that I just treat it like my old jobs (more of the same - negative).


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
I think her wording was more about an over all attitude and not only jobs. She said

"...not treated like everything else in your life in the past, that it is a given and you don't need to work too hard to maintain it..."

Which means she felt badly treated and taken for granted, Inside the marriage.

But you already knew this, right? So nothing really anything new is here, and she seems to have taken what you said in a positive way.

Still, don't keep SAYING these things, just DO them. Words are so cheap.

Remember that she caught you 3 times having affairs, & after each painful discovery, you promised to stop.

But you went back on your word all those times.

So if she treats your words with doubt, be understanding of that.
You must begin to view these interactions as opportunities for you to BE YOUR BEST SELF.

But you really need to back off the expectations. Meaning, when you MUST communicate, be your best upbeat self, and show her the commitment you now feel towards the family, the joy you get from that, and that you expect nothing back from her.

Truly, expect nothing from her. If you get anything more than a civil response, be grateful.

This would count as a double 180 - b/c you'd be kind and upbeat towards her, without an expectation, and you would not be reactive to her not giving you more. You'd take it in stride.

THAT^^ would show change.

So, NO more pressure from you.

Make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
M
mindsin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
More OMW trouble (I screwed up again)

The OMW called me yesterday. I immediately put up my defenses and said that I had nothing to say to her. She only wanted me to listen, so I did. She thinks that her H is coming back to her, and pointed to several new developments in their lives that indicate this is true. The OMW was very upset over the phone because she feels that her H is still lying to her, despite the things he has said and done recently to indicate that he is dedicated to his W. She was so upset that she ended up leaving the house that night with the kids to stay at a friend's house. Her H was confused by her behavior and I think he suspected that she reached out to me. This of course reached my W while the two of them were having dinner celebrating her b-day.

Later that evening my W confronted me and asked if I've been talking to the OMW. I told my W that she called me today. My W asked me what was said. I told her that she was asking questions and I deflected (which is true), and that she told me things that's going on in her own marriage. My W was curious.

I told my W, that it's not in anyone's best interest at this time to reveal further details about our conversation. I told her to just realize that the OM could be lying to you in order to get what he wants.

If what the OMW is telling me is true, then he is playing both women to keep them close because he is on the fence.

My W, of course, was irate that I wouldn't tell her more.

I told her that she's in no position to believe me anyways. I said that she trusts a man she barely knows more than her husband of 15 years, and she'll do anything to defend and protect him.

She said, "If you believe I'm being deceived, then tell me."

I said, "I can't, because whatever I tell you will be relayed to [OM] and he'll go back to his W, which then breaks her trust in me. She will no longer tell me things at that point. I want her to keep feeding me information."

"As long as you put him first, I can't tell you. I'm on your side. Until I feel you're on my side, I can't tell you anything more."

I said, "You're free to continue believing everything about [OMW] through one person's PoV -- a person who is trying to convince you that he loves you more than his W of 14 years and the mother of his children."

"Also, I never asked to be dragged into this mess. You're the one who brought this drama into our family. I'm trying to actually distance myself from all this crap. I don't need it. I have enough going on in my life."

Her reply:

"Here is where my head is. I actually no longer care if [OMW] reaches out to you. It dawned on me that by her doing that, then you talking to her, then me finding out, and talking to [OM] -- nothing good will come out of it. I have decided that I will not ask you to tell me what she said, etc. I don't want to get into the 'he said, she said'. I am an adult who is extremely intelligent and capable of distinguishing lies vs truth. I will manage my relationship with [OM] on my own terms. I don't need outside factors. I never needed outside validation one way or another. At home, I will continue to concentrate on our two beautiful kids. I am starting a new job and I will focus energy on that as well. I will not waste energy on her anymore."

Me: "That's very sensible. I'm proud of you for taking that approach."

"Just like I no longer focus my attention on [OM]."

"The only time I will intervene is if I feel you're in danger."

Her response: "I only ask one thing of you. Don't tell her anything about me. Job, social plans, etc."

Me: "I never have, never will. Promise. I've got your back. In time, you'll see."


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 708
mindsin -- I don't see how you screwed up -- it sounds like you handled a difficult situation very well! You're giving your W support and reassurance (at the same time planting a seed of doubt about her R with OM).

At the same time, maybe it's best not to get involved too much with OMW's conversations, as it does set up an adversarial situation (the two of them against the two of you), and might draw them closer together in opposition. Even though it's tempting to get information, I'm not sure it helps in the long run, and it definitely seems to complicate them in the short run.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
Page 9 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard