I had a setback this morning. I reached out to my wife feeling sad and lonely.
Here is our text message exchange:
Me: Hi. Just feeling really down today and wanted to reach out. That's all. W: Why do you feel that way? Do you need carbs? Me: LOL, no. I'm just really sad this morning. W: Why? Me: A combination of things...just everything that's going on in my life. I was very upbeat since I came back [from vacation]. This morning it's like I got hit hard with a big stick of depression. W: Is it because of the job situation? I know that must have been a big disappointment, especially after they really gave you the impression otherwise. Me: Maybe part of it. W: OK. How are you feeling about our situation Me: I also really miss you. I know you don't want to hear that. I've locked myself in a bathroom stall for the last 30 minutes. Me: Sorry. I don't mean to dump my emotional problems on you this morning. I'll be OK. W: That's alright. I rather you talk to me than to some stranger, or feel really depressed and do something that isn't good for yourself or for us. W: What brought this on? Me: I'd rather talk to you too. But sometimes, I feel the more I try to talk to you, the harder it is on me. And you probably don't want me to burden you either. You want to be left alone and you want to be given space right now. W: I am actually fine if you want to open up. W: We can talk tonight after the kids are in bed if that helps.
Is there anything I should take away from that conversation? Should I accept her offer to talk? One of her complaints about me in the past is that I never communicate to her and open up about my feelings. She doesn't like that I bottle things up and don't share things with her. But doing that now seems possibly detremental to my DB efforts.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
No further R talks or anything regarding my feelings, etc., since the text exchange.
I did tell her that I needed a couple days to myself this week. One of the days conflicted with her weekend outing with the OM, but she was accommodating.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Apparently, we both booked something for this coming weekend and neither of us are budging. We're essentially double-booked with nobody to watch the kids.
I made a stink about it, noting that she's been spending a day every weekend with the OM since BD, while I play stay-at-home-dad with the kids.
It eventually led to a conversation about what we were doing on that day (she didn't tell me before). She initially refused to tell me because she said she wanted to "spare my feelings".
I told her that there is nothing she can say to me at this point that would be worse than what she's already done to me.
OOPS!
She chuckled at that, and didn't reply.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Sometimes chuckling is a defense mechanism or a sign of discomfort, too. Or, perhaps she thought you were being a bit melodramatic? Could she be thinking, Gee, if he really missed me so much and was so heartbroken over me, maybe he wouldn't be so stubborn over accomodating my plans for the weekend.
I have an outing in the city with some friends I haven't seen in a while.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I spoke to her later in the day (when I was much calmer) where I explained where my anger was coming from. I pointed out again that she's been spending every weekend since BD and I have never made a stink about it. I ask for one day, and it creates a mess.
I also apologized for some of the things I said and told her that I personally recognize that I sometimes use words as a weapon (e.g. passive aggressive remarks). I told her that it is something I'm working on to improve about myself.
She replied saying that she doesn't mind me taking time off and agrees that I need some time off.
She validated by saying that everyone needs to make improvements in their life, and that she thinks that I'm right on about my own assessment.
It turned out that she had a change of heart on her original idea to accommodate the scheduling conflict. That's where our fight stemmed from.
In the end, she stuck to the original plan and now there is no conflict.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
It turned out that she had gotten attached to me emotionally and was hoping we could connect on a romantic level. After I had told her that I had no interest, she told me she was hurt and that she would cut off contact with me. I wished her good luck in her life.
I told my wife what happened and she replied sarcastically and condescendingly, "So she was just counseling and sharing her experiences with you -- at least that's what you communicated to me. Riiiiiight"
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
