This conversation about introvertedness and its effects on a R is really interesting to me. In my case, I'm the introvert. I'm not "antisocial", but I most definitely need alone time to recharge. My job as an educator requires me to be "on" and social for most of the day. Then, when I get home, I'm"on" as a mom. By the time my H got home, I needed some alone time-- which could look like vegging on the couch for a bit or mindlessly surfing the web before dinner. I had nothing left at that point in the day to jump into a lengthy conversation -- not even about a substantive, personal topic (like his day at work), but definitely not about something less substantive (like what I call "Seinfeld chit chat".)
I think my H saw that as rejection... or maybe he just wants and needs the opposite. <---- that is my biggest fear about my M. That he simply has come to realize that my core personality doesn't meet his needs. And I guess I would agree that is something I cannot change (or, perhaps the effort to do so would not meet my needs).
Or... (more optimistically), is that something that a MC could help us understand about each other and help us each move a tiny bit closer to the other? Like, if my H had seen my "ignoring" him as refueling, and came over to bring me a glass of wine and a kiss on the head instead of being angry at me. .. would that have shifted our dynamic enough to change everything? And. . I could have either pushed myself a bit more of communicated my needs more clearly.
He's an introvert. We talked in MC about ways that he could recharge when he got home so that he would be more available to me when we could both give one another our full attention but by then he was deep into OW and uninterested in changing up our routine. I don't mind quiet. The space between us was much bigger than that.
I'm feeling despair this morning. Out of nowhere. I wish I understood it. I want to ask if he cares about me anymore but I know that's a bad idea.
How much longer can I do this?????
Last edited by Maybell; 09/02/1411:41 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I just wanted to say something to you both. You are both doing a wonderful job and I've watched big changes in you both. I know you want to save your Ms-I totally understand that. However, please don't think that because your R isn't where you want, that your aren't making progress. Don't discount the importance of you based on the current state of your M. You are making great strides and you will be fantastic regardless of what happens.
Sending you "the circle of trust" sign. Hang in there:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/02/1412:19 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank you, GeorgiaBelle. I feel awful today. I don't think I have any more in me. I think I have to let go. At least for a while. But I hurt too much. I am tired of trying to find tiny crumbs of good. I've been trying for so long. I think I need to let go.
I know families where the husband has pillow fights with the kids. Comes to school with them on the first day. Compliments the wife to the kids. I'm thanking him for letting me spend money on a washer and dryer and sympathizing that the children he spends four days a month with get up at 7:00 when they stay with him.
He can do better and he won't. I think I need to let go. I don't need to hold on to a half life.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes in the space of just a few hours of posting you change your mind about things. For example, you woke up this morning and felt like maybe you hadn't acknowledged the positives and thought you did have a year left.. now you think you don't..?
I think - and I know I've said this before, and maybe a few others have - that you need to relax. As other people on here constantly say: it's a marathon. A loooong one. What we're all seeing - and maybe you're not - is tiny, tiny baby steps from your H. Whether you are willing to stay the course or not is your decision, but don't jump the gun on whether he's willing to change, because as you said a few posts back, you guys *have* changed since Mother's Day. Maybe he's just unable to change at your pace...
Thanks, Vossy. I know I'm a Weeble Wobble. I guess we all have our quirks.
I'm just so tired. I'm not holding on for today. Which matters not at all, he's overseas and probably won't even notice. But for today, I'm letting go of him. Tomorrow is tomorrow.
I overlooked what you said about pace and baby steps. I know you're right. I'm just tired. The next two weeks looks LONG and I'm so tired. I just want to take something off my plate.
Last edited by Maybell; 09/02/1401:49 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I know families where the husband has pillow fights with the kids. Comes to school with them on the first day. Compliments the wife to the kids. I'm thanking him for letting me spend money on a washer and dryer and sympathizing that the children he spends four days a month with get up at 7:00 when they stay with him.
I feel you , Maybell. Exactly. I used to be OK with it, just said it was my life, thought it somehow made me a better wife and mom. Not. I wonder what would have happened had I not accepted my sub-par marriage and his sub-par parenting and forced the issue 10 years ago? Obviously I'll never know, but I do think about it.
Relationships with humans, so. much. work. Hugs to you.
So don't hold on, be done. He may not be the person for you. It sounds as if you want something very different from what he has to offer. Letting go is the best thing you could do.
But you're awash in emotion right now. Give yourself some time. I've read 3 pages and you're all over the map.
If your H is an introvert, maybe having the kids for the weekend did take the starch out of him and he needed to recharge. I'm an introvert, I get that. Who knows what may have been going on with him. Did you ask him about what he was feeling?
Someone asked but I don't think you answered, how did things get off track with the bowling?
I think you warned against anyone bringing up expectations but into the breach I go...you had a lot of expectations. It's human nature cause we dislike the unknown. We want things to be a certain way. But life isn't like that.
One last thing, just because the day didn't go the way you expected doesn't mean it was a bad day. We have no idea how he felt about it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
