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Ss06 #2483981 09/01/14 10:08 PM
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Hey Maybell, I'm sorry it didn't go so well. I don't know enough about your daft sod of a husband to remotely know what he was thinking ... or not thinking, but maybe he was afraid of your new-found superpowers.

Anyway, if he's away for a few days, it'll give you time to recharge your batteries. Not quite the same insight as pilot eh?

I attempted to start a conversation with my daft sod of a wife the other day by asking her about her work. Her reply wasn't quite monosyllabic, but not far off it. She just didn't want to engage with me and it felt so stilted.

Keep on keeping on.

(Not so) Old Dog xx


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Old Dog #2484007 09/01/14 11:09 PM
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He didn't hug me goodbye. I won't see him for two weeks. Was that my fault or his doing?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2484008 09/01/14 11:25 PM
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Thanks, everybody. Yes, no more invites for times when the kids will be home and awake. GeorgiaBelle you nailed it.

N-S OD, very nice of you to not 2x4 me about expectations. Why don't you hand me back the one I gave you? smile

But I won't be making any invitations at all for a number of weeks.

Ok, dusting myself off. I learned something. Done now.

Last edited by Maybell; 09/01/14 11:30 PM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2484020 09/02/14 12:27 AM
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Can I just ask you all to stop writing "BLT"? It is making me want one so badly! smile

Maybell you are aweome! Enjoy these 10 days off without that annoying dingbat around and I'm betting you'll feel a lot better upon his return and be ready to face the next drama.

Hugs! LisaB

LisaB #2484028 09/02/14 01:01 AM
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Maybell,

I'm sorry you had a rough go of it. It took a lot of... oomph to extend the invite and to have it fall flat feels tough, I'm sure. But I love how you are going to "dust yourself off" and just keep on keeping on.

A couple of other related thoughts... that are still forming in my head so I'm sorry if I ramble a bit:
1) I totally empathize with hesitating to discuss this stuff with IC. Happened to me tonight.

IC: "Do you feel like you can possibly see yourself with someone else in the future? Can you see that you won't be alone?"
Me: Of course. (In my head: But that is not what I want! I went on a LOT of dates before I met my H. I've seen who was out there 10 years ago! I've seen my friend's H. NO ONE is perfect. Everyone's got their Sh!t. There is no prince charming out there just waiting for me to find him and live happily ever after! Every R will take a LOT of work. SIGH.)

Hope this isn't a hijack. I should post this on my thread, but just felt like responding to what you wrote earlier.

2) I was also thinking about your frustrations with your H. It does seem like he is having a hard time breaking patterns.

Quote:
I mean... if *I* had accepted that what I got from his was as good as I was going to get maybe I wouldn't have hoped to see that pattern broken.


No, you definitely shouldn't settle for less that what you deserve. But (and maybe this is what you meant), could you accept that this is as good as you'll get right now? Can you detach enough to, in those moments when he can't open up or connect with you, sort of smile under your breath and pity him rather than be angry or feel rejected? Say to yourself, (to the tune of "I'm so fancy") "I'm so awe-some, he don't even kno-ow, he's such a fool, to let me go-o-o"

Maybe it's not "no expectations" but very, very low expectations. He just might meet those...


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2484059 09/02/14 02:24 AM
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Your number 1 has been my position from the beginning.

How you rephrased me for number 2 is right. But I think maybe I don't need to put myself through this garbage for a long while. I've been asking for these changes for years. I'm doing my best to be better and I feel like I am better. But seriously, I can get a better hour from a stranger on an airplane than I can from my own H. He doesn't seem to care at all if I find him attractive. And I'm about as easy to please as a person can be.

I think I'd like to take a break from him for a while. I think I'd like to pretend for a while that we have NO relationship that concerns me or that requires my attention. I'm on sabbatical from this whole marriage thing. Until he gets his chit together he can have his chit to himself. I'm done for a while, at least. I don't know if I'm done for good, but for now, I've had enough.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2484114 09/02/14 09:26 AM
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Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I failed to see the good points.

He was nice to me. He was helpful. He was more supportive of me with the kids than he was before. He didn't help with the dishes but he did spend time with the boys in the yard. He didn't completely ignore me and he thanked me several times for lunch, apologized for messing up my plans for next weekend and repeated his offer of help.

He got oddly excited to see a Bud Light in the refrigerator. I had three different small-label beers (from parties) and one lonely little Bud Light and he drank the Bud as his second beer.

That tells me he likes things that are familiar. Hes a small-town guy so that makes sense.

I forgot to ask about the football game that's important to him, so I guess I was a little self-absorbed that way.

He sounds resigned about his travel. Said the places he goes aren't special or charming, they're just cities. I guess I'm a little worried he's burning out. I have been jealous of his travel and it sounds like to him it's more hassle than fun.

I've heard him be engaging and fun with acquaintances. But with people he knows well and cares about it's like he can't figure out... I'm trying to explain this... I can't decide if he doesn't know how much people want to hear from him, or if he feels pressured and too much in the spotlight, or if he really doesn't believe he's that interesting, or if he's so unhappy with his life that he's really that uncomfortable talking about it, or if it's the ADD. I guess that's his mess to sort out.

In the meantime... I am not really as done as I'd like to be. I took my ring off last night and this morning put it back on again. Six whole hours, most of them asleep, and it felt so wrong I couldn't last the night.

And I'm not inviting him home again while the kids are awake but I'll keep a couple of Bud Lights around for him I suppose. (Frankly I like them in my refrigerator, that's what we were like when we were happy.)

And use the next ten days to reset and try to just be curious about what happens next. I need to remember what a long way we've come since Mother's Day.

I do wish he'd hugged me before he left though.

Last edited by Maybell; 09/02/14 09:33 AM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2484116 09/02/14 09:51 AM
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Oh maybell, that tough.

There was some good. Not that I'm any version of a judge. None.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Ggrass #2484117 09/02/14 10:03 AM
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Thanks, Ggrass. There was. I don't know what I was hoping for. Partly the kids just wore me out.

The wine place I went to is really cool and exactly the sort of thing I would have expected him to be excited about a few years ago. But he just picked it completely apart. Didn't ask about the wines. Wrinkled his nose and criticized every aspect. Everything I would have expected him to find cool he just looked skeptical about.

So... He's depressed? Or something like that?

I bought the washer & dryer and was super proud of the great deal I got on them. He was interested in that whole area. I thanked him for them and he said "I hope you wouldn't think I'd mind about that?" That was hard to answer. It's nice that he wants to be generous with money (he always has been) but it's not a substitute for the other things I really want. I suspect he wants me to acknowledge that. So I guess I ought to but it feels like selling myself. Am I being prideful and unappreciative?

I've thought he was MLC since BD. I wasn't sure what difference that made but now I think it does. Because this isn't about me at all.

I was wondering if I have another year in me. I think I do, because it's just the school year and it's not like I'm sitting around waiting for him. Another two? That I'm not so sure about.

So I guess I'll just see how it goes.

Last edited by Maybell; 09/02/14 10:09 AM.

Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2484119 09/02/14 10:44 AM
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I think it's good that you're considering the positives that you may have overlooked before. I find that it's easy to dwell on the negatives but when I make a conscious effort to look for positives, I almost always find some (and I feel better in the process, too).

Originally Posted By: Maybell

That tells me he likes things that are familiar. Hes a small-town guy so that makes sense.

...

I've heard him be engaging and fun with acquaintances. But with people he knows well and cares about it's like he can't figure out... I'm trying to explain this... I can't decide if he doesn't know how much people want to hear from him, or if he feels pressured and too much in the spotlight, or if he really doesn't believe he's that interesting, or if he's so unhappy with his life that he's really that uncomfortable talking about it, or if it's the ADD. I guess that's his mess to sort out.


I wonder if these might be related. Perhaps his True Self is introverted, but he has to put on a show for people who don't know him well to build up his social/business Q. I know my H just wants to be able to be himself around me. Maybe it isn't all bad that he mostly rested in his favorite chair. He felt comfortable enough to relax and fall into his old routine. He felt comfortable just being "him."

Now, I have no idea if I'm analyzing him correctly, but if I am, is that something that you could live with? If it turns out that his lack of sharing about himself is just his personality and not a reflection of how he feels about you, or the R, does it change how you feel about it? I ask because I'm wrestling with some of the same questions. If my H's lack of affection is just his personality, can I live with it? No, I need affection in an R. But his introvertedness? (My H is also an introvert.) I think I can learn to accept that. I'm not saying that you have to live with it, but I think it's a question worth pondering.

I feel you on the lack of a hug. Is it possible that he didn't know that you wanted a hug? Could he have been expecting you to initiate one, and took the fact that you didn't as a sign that you didn't want one? I really don't understand how our Hs don't KNOW a hug is expected under those circumstances, but somehow, sometimes, they just don't.


Me: 33 Him: 35
T: 13 M: 11
D7
BD, S: Jul 3rd, 2014
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