MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART IV

[Ss06]

I am not a vet so perhaps one can weigh in but at this point, I don't see anything wrong with you taking some time to yourself to reset.

The divorce is final and she's still trying to manipulate you. She wants to make it on her own but she can't leave without your attention. In my non-expert opinion she is LOST and floundering. Florida may help her and the distance from her may be what you need so she HAS to do things on her own for a bit. You've been working so hard but she's yanking your chain and I think you deserve better.

Do you want her the way she is right now? I wouldn't want the tearful calls with confusing messages like, "I miss you" or "why'd you let me go?" This is adulthood.

She wants to be friends, so be her friend. That's it. She knows all of your buttons and is trying to be coy but it's not cute.

If she's not moving until the end of September why did that convo have to happen today about sending her off and wishing her well? She talked like she was packing up the car and heading out tomorrow morning. She's vying for your attention. At this point with the final divorce done, she has more to lose than you do.

It's time for priority reevaluation, no?

I think you're handling all this really well, IH. She is really trying to mess with your head. Not cool.

[ItHurts]

Thanks SS, yeah that's why I am backing off. That's why I made darn sure I told her that if SHE wants to see me, then SHE needs to make it happen. I will initiate NOTHING! Nada. Zilch.

This text convo above wasn't today, it was actually a couple days ago SS, I think it was Friday morning. I have no idea why she's asking me this now, a month before she leaves. What exactly are we supposed to do to "say goodbye" and "send her off?" I don't get it. Just go, get in the car and go south and leave me alone. We're either friends or we're not. But I will not tolerate her attitude about lady friend. She acts like she's all cool about it, telling me that maybe I'll fall in love with her and such. Telling me that lady friend is a lucky woman to have me because I am "a catch." Totally irrational. Maybe she is still in WAW mode after all...in her fog still. I just get tired of her crap. Who the hell is SHE to cop attitude with me for taking my lady friend to breakfast??? She went and slept with some POSOM loser druggie alcoholic and she has the AUDACITY to cop attitude? I mean seriously! That really set me off as you can tell from the text exchange. She supposedly wants this Florida move so badly, she's so excited about it, her head is so "clear," yet she keeps this crap up with me.

Our divorce isn't final until November 17, we're still married until that day according to a doc I received last week.
She's been pulling this crap all along, since the day she moved out. Contacting me for one reason or another. She initiated ALL contact until about a month ago when I contacted her because I was told she tried to "hurt herself" and was out of work for 3 weeks on family leave or something.

So I don't know, I lost control in that text exchange and just felt the need to tell her off. Probably a bad move but it felt SO GOOD doing it at the time. I'm tired of her crap. She needs to stop telling me how wonderful I am, how great of a catch I am, blah blah blah when you're leaving me because it makes her sound like a complete idiot.

I love her obviously but I will not be a doormat. I really struggle to understand how she can move to Florida so easily. I don't know how she has the chops to do it. She knows that is the wedge between us, the thing that makes R impossible at this point. Yet she insists she needs to do this for herself.

I don't know if it's just wishful thinking on my part, or if it is reality, but I feel like she still isn't sure she's doing the right thing leaving me behind. Hard to differentiate between reality and wishful thinking but it just seems to me that she's still in love with me, even though she says she doesn't know. However I am at point now where I am sick of thinking about it, analyzing it, and trying to figure out what to do. I am doing my own thing. I won't contact her, she can contact me...or not. Like I told her, I am fully capable of handling either scenario. She simply can never hurt me again like she already has. Nothing can compare to the pain I endured that first month after the BD.

However I am quite sure she will be contacting me again about this. My birthday is next week and I am sure she's going to contact me somehow. The question I need to answer for myself is if I should see her one more time or not. Maybe it's best if I let her sweat it out a bit. Let her think there's a REAL possibility that she really won't see me again before she leaves. It is still a month away and that's kind of a long time for her. She usually can't make it beyond about the 10 day mark without contacting me for some reason.

Anyway, as we left it a couple weeks ago when I last saw her in person, we are friends. I was being her friend until she copped attitude with me with that "otherwise occupied" remark. At that point I didn't see that as something someone who was TRULY just a friend would do and it really ticked me off because it was HER that was pushing for this friend business to begin with.

I don't understand it, I don't understand this FL move. She acts like it's a big Thelma and Louise adventure she's looking forward to...driving down the East Coast to FL with her best friend who is flying up to make the road trip with her. She acts like it's an exciting road trip that her and her best friend are going on instead of the HUGE life changing event that it really is. She has no job lined up down there. All she knows is she's rooming with her best friend in her house. None of this makes any sense and I'm just tired of trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I suppose I should just write her off, let her go, and be done with it. 18 years of my life, almost mathematically half of my existence on this planet was wasted with her. There's isn't much to be hopeful for at this point anyway. The writing is on the wall that our chances of R are all but gone now.

[ItHurts]

Sorry double post.

[Ss06]

I hear you.

It sounds like you need peace and space and time. Who wouldn't after all you've been through?

You sound angry, too. Who could blame you?

You also sound D.O.N.E.

Time. Space. Breathing.

Set all this aside. You've DB your arse off. Maybe take some time to indulge yourself. You more than deserve that. You know that.

You don't need all this BS. You have a looooooong time before you need to think about "sending her off" and if you decide not to, then so be it.

Take a break from the crazy-making. It is well-earned, no doubt.

[ItHurts]

Thanks SS. Yes, I have so many other things I have to worry about in my life besides her right now. I too am still trying to get used to being on my own for the first time in 18 years. I only have me now. What she does she does. Maybe she'll move down there and be happy as can be...or maybe she'll move down there and realize the magnitude of what she's done. Who knows. As you say, I do nothing for now. I take the time and space she gives me. If that extends beyond the time when she's already gone then so be it. But I can tell you this, I'd rather pluck my eyelashes out with tweezers than make contact with her now. Lady friend and I are going out for a drink on Thursday and for now I am looking forward to and thinking about only that. WAW can do what she's going to do.

I still can't believe WAW and I had it out like that in text. You should go back in some of my older threads of this story and see some of the other things she's done and written in the past month. You won't believe it.

Thanks so much for listening tonight SS and offering your advice, I will keep you and this thread posted on any developments.

[Ss06]

I don't know IH, if THIS text exchange gave me apoplexy I'm not sure I need to read more. What a piece of work she is. Sheesh!

[ItHurts]

I don't know IH, if THIS text exchange gave me apoplexy I'm not sure I need to read more. What a piece of work she is. Sheesh!

HAHA! That she is! Then no, definitely don't go back and read any of the other stuff she wrote then. The e-mails alone will shut your brain down LOL! Thanks again ss, I appreciate your advice. It's always nice to get a girl's perspective on this stuff.

[sandi2]

Let me tell you how the WAW wants a marriage arrangement. She may not want you, but she does not want to be replaced in your life. In other words, she wants you to be married to her, but she doesn't want to be married to you. There are moments she may want to hang out with you, but she feels she should be able to pick & choose, while you should always be available b/c, after all, you are her BFF and so thrilled to get her crumbs.

In her mind, this arrangement (you married to her but she's not M to you) has a lot of benefits (for her). You will be alone and no GAL, while she can be with whomever she chooses and living it up! You will be available whenever she decides she needs a shoulder to cry on (when things in life go so unfairly for her and her fantasy life starts to crumble) or whatever her particular need might be at the moment. You never know, she may even drop by for sex from time to time. But never forget, she is entitled to her space when she is not in the mood to deal with you. You are to always be flexible to her schedule & mood swings, and, of course, pine away for her.....although, you are very happy for her getting whatever it is she wants.

Just to sum it up about this arrangement, she gets to call all the shots all the time! Now tell me, why wouldn't any man want that kind of marriage?

[ItHurts]

Thanks Sandi! Well it'll be a cold day in hell when she gets that arrangement. That's why I think she is annoyed with me. I sit around waiting for no one, not even someone I was with for 18 years. She wants to go to Florida, hasta levista baby...you're on your own. She will see me when I see fit, not when she does. It all makes sense why lady friend is such a sore spot for her. Well that's tough. Either come back on your hands and knees begging to talk about R, or hit the road. I am not playing this game with her. That's why I think I snapped at her in that text exchange...to put her in her place. If she wants to see me, SHE can make it happen if it's convenient for me. I am running this show now, my way...and if she doesn't like it I can give her directions to the interstate highway.

[pilot]

Let me tell you how the WAW wants a marriage arrangement. She may not want you, but she does not want to be replaced in your life. In other words, she wants you to be married to her, but she doesn't want to be married to you. There are moments she may want to hang out with you, but she feels she should be able to pick & choose, while you should always be available b/c, after all, you are her BFF and so thrilled to get her crumbs.

In her mind, this arrangement (you married to her but she's not M to you) has a lot of benefits (for her). You will be alone and no GAL, while she can be with whomever she chooses and living it up! You will be available whenever she decides she needs a shoulder to cry on (when things in life go so unfairly for her and her fantasy life starts to crumble) or whatever her particular need might be at the moment. You never know, she may even drop by for sex from time to time. But never forget, she is entitled to her space when she is not in the mood to deal with you. You are to always be flexible to her schedule & mood swings, and, of course, pine away for her.....although, you are very happy for her getting whatever it is she wants.

Just to sum it up about this arrangement, she gets to call all the shots all the time! Now tell me, why wouldn't any man want that kind of marriage?

So sandi, how does one break that cycle? It seems to be where I am stuck at as i am sure many others here are. As you know my W has not even served me the D petition and has said she will let it expire and refile in a few months. (sorry for the semi hijack IH).

So how does a LBS take charge or at least in some small way, regain control? (not my first choice in words, but cannot think of another)