barely holding on - 3

[u-turn]

I don't feel that I have been clear about my boundaries and this is also biting me.

I am going to tell her - either a short letter or verbal:

Mrs. U-turn - I know that I have told you that I can forgive you, trust you again, and move on from this, but I now know that this is going to be a process. I do care about myself and have boundaries.
-I can not live in an open marriage.
-The relationship that you have with OM does not make me feel safe in maintaining our relationship.
-Keeping even a friendship with OM puts too much doubt in my future with you.

I think she will deny that there is still a relationship with OM at that point. I can tell her about my suspicions and things that I have noticed from the past months.

Just playing this out in my head - and here first. I know this is probably not being patient, but shouldn't these boundaries be stated - or is it pushing too hard?

Thoughts?

[dawgy]

The giving space and time thing seemed to have backfired on me . It just gave her more time and opportunity for her to see him .I know that I must first let it expand before it will shrink but its expanding much more than i believed it would . She got a lawyer and says shes leaving to be with OM . I dont know what to do . My only card is she doesnt want the kids to know shes been cheating and shes moving in with OM . So im second guessing some of my DBing strategies . It looks like now i should have exposed way back 6 months ago then maybe this would be over , in giving time and space didnt work

[u-turn]

dawgy-everyone's advice to me has been - this is her journey and only she can find her way. You cannot stop her if it is what she wants. Let her figure it out.

I understand thinking about the mistakes that were made early on and what you could have done differently. I have been wrestling with that too.

You can only work on yourself and be better for her if or when she comes back. It is so hard to follow that advice though - I get it.

[dawgy]

Thx U -Turn . I need all the support i can get . This is brutal on the mind ans soul . I need to remember to work on myself and be there for my boys .

[Tarheel]

U-turn, I received some great guidance from vets on a similar letter I wrote to my W. You might want to check it out.

I'm all for sending the letter, just make sure you're fully prepared to backup your stance should she respond that she doesn't want to end OM contact. It took me quite a while to reach the point of saying it not just to get a desired response.

[u-turn]

Thanks Tarheel - this is so helpful.
I do have to get my act together before I pull the trigger and really evaluate this. Although everything these days is life changing, this would really be life changing. I am close though.

There was some movement this morning (hers) - a lot of emotion (hers), and I have to step back and see what that is about - while still trying to detach (if that makes any sense). She definitely is in some kind of turmoil over her life and decisions right now. I don't know if her actions are going to be toward or away right now. She was a great mother to our kids yesterday and maybe that had an affect on her.

[u-turn]

Well - not the emotion that I was hoping it was I guess. More like - the I'm too tired to make this work and keep trying (with me).

It seems like she is still in contact with OM. I am really trying to re-focus on DBing, but also trying to gain my integrity back.

I am going to give my ring back to her today. She hasn't worn hers in a couple months. I know this is small to some people, but it is huge to me. I will give it to her and tell her that I will wear it again when it is right and means something. She basically told me the same when I saw that she wasn't wearing hers and I asked her about it. I respected this action from her.

It will be the first sign from me outside of the house that there are problems.

[dawgy]

Hey Turn buddy . Im right there with ya on the ring movement > I wish i had the guts that you have . My wife stopped wearing hers and I asked where it was and she said she took it off , ther was no point in wearing it the way things were . I pleaded with her to put it back on . That didnt work . I left mine on for the next two months then one day i decided to take it off and hang it on a neck lace with hers . why ? I dont know .

My point here is that the ring symbolises the vows that we took . She broke the vows so she removed the ring , but we didnt break the vows , should we remove ours ? I removed mine because i thought that if she seen that i was still wearing it she would think that she still has me wrapped around her finger even while she behaves the way she has .

I dont know , Im a mess again today . lololol Dawgy

[u-turn]

I know I've been all over the place with my posts for the last week. I am pretty messy as well. I'm not sure if giving the ring back to her will seem like I'm trying to be petty or manipulative. I don't want to give up and I have kept my vows, but I don't "feel" married any more either. But that is getting to a point of not keeping my vows (for better or worse).

I know it's a marathon, I just never trained for this and I bought crappy shoes that are giving me blisters.

I am just tired of this all - I can hardly remember what normal is any more. I want to be whole again, but can't even imagine it. I've been consumed by this for so long that it has wore me down.
(pitty party over)


Random observation:
she wants a connection first then re-build trust
I want to find trust first then figure out if we can re-connect.

To me this seems important and still seems like she has to figure out her path first (weigh all her options) before deciding.

[dawgy]

Turn... at least shes working with you a bit and thinking about you guys . My wife just wants to leave and hope everything gets better when she does . The OM in my case has heavy influence although she denies it ..But I can relate to how tired and exhausted you must feel . How long have you been in your sitch ?