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Wow!

Have a great day!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Tiny little glimmers of light here, Claire. You are doing GREAT!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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claire7 Offline OP
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Thanks all.

Had a really nice day with D3 today. The birthday party was really fun. D3 and a bunch of her little buddies, plus their parents (both mom and dad-- at least 4 couples we know).

My D3 had a blast, I had fun... and when I came home I felt so sorry for my H. He missed out on a really nice day, and the chance to connect with the dads of his D3's friends. How sad for him.

My D3 took a nap this afternoon-- and so did I! Then, she helped me bake cookies, we had a nice dinner together, bath and bedtime. Sure, he has some time with her each week. But I have more. He misses a lot.

And, more on the GAL front -- I'm baking again! I am now a mom who can, spur of the moment, decide to bake chocolate chip cookies from scratch with her D, and do it totally calmly and easily. I never had that growing up, and I am finally accomplishing that goal/dream. Yay!

Lots more thoughts swirling, but they are about what would/could happen if we R. So that is waaaay ahead of myself, and a post for another time.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Sounds like a GREAT day! Three is such a great age!!!

I love that you're baking. I could go for some chocolate chip cookies right about now. The kitchen is where so many memories are made for kids. It's great that you're developing that specific bond with D3.

I think a lot about if we R, too. It's more like fantasizing but my fantasy is so beautiful it sometimes brings me to tears. Happy tears. I just wish that wanting something badly enough meant you could have it. Too bad this is reality and that's not how it works.

Anyway, back to you... LOL

It really sounds like your PMA is up and your detachment is solid, too. You're doing it, Claire!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Just chiming in to say that this thread is solid. And hopeful. I need a little of that right now.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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claire7 Offline OP
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Well, glad it's helping someone because I clearly am still a newbie.

When H came to pick up D this afternoon she was still napping. He asked if we could talk about this complicated child care situation.

On the plus side, I stayed totally calm and tried to validate his concerns. I apologized if he felt like I hadn't communicated things clearly.

And then... after a while of his radiating stress about this situation, feeling confused about our communication about it... I sorta let down my guard. I didnt yell or cry, but I said, "I'm sorry that this is stressful. But I am doing the best I can in a situation that is not of my choosing."

What I wanted to do was scream at him, "this is what you wanted you fool. You thought all of this would make life easier? You have exactly what you want. Don't expect me to feel bad that you are stressed. YOU chose this, not me!"

I didn't say that. I started getting into a R talk ("I would prefer to be spending our emotional and financial resources in a different direction") he changed the subject, woke up a very cranky D from a nap.

I took off.my ring before I left the house.

I know I need to be patient and not have any expectations. But seriously. He is a GD fool.

Its too hard to change posts from my phone so I will add more later. Overall, I think I still showed him that I've changed by staying calm and not getting angry or feeling attacked. But I brought up the R and he ran like he!! away from that. Ok. I know for next time. I didn't sleep well last night so my patience was thin.

Off to my IC appointment. Good timing!


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Great day we're having, isn't it???

Sorry that went south. But I'm glad you said "not of my choosing."


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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claire7 Offline OP
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Processing all of this. So, H and I had some positive interactions, but my takeaway is that I cannot have *any* expectations of him at this time. He opened up a bit yesterday-- and tonight retreated again.

The gap between us seems so wide. I'm thinking a lot about what labug said about the need to forgive. In order for this marriage to work, so much would have to happen. First, he would have to think that is even a possibility. Then, we'd have to work hard on rebuilding our relationship. But at the same time, I would have to forgive him-- not only for walking out, but also for denying me the chance to have another child. I think, looking back, it literally broke my heart when he told me we couldn't-- HE couldn't-- do that again. I felt completely abandoned for a bunch of reasons. Maybe that was when I left him.

If we ever do get to the point where reconciliation is even a possibility, I'd have to be able to forgive him for that first. I can't imagine that right now.

Instead of committing to help me get better, to address my mental health issues WITH me as a partner, he stole a dream I've always had. He didn't want to work on anything, he just wanted the problems to go away magically. I don't even know if he realizes how deeply that hurt me.

I guess that should be put in the not-to-be-sent letter.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Claire, I want you to feel heard but I'm feeling a little self-absorbed right now and I won't be able to be as thoughtful as you deserve. I'm lacking in perspective and I need a little time to process. So this is just to say -- I hear you. And I'll pipe in tomorrow. But I think you've come a long way in the last couple of months and that's good stuff.

Sleep well.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
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claire7 Offline OP
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Maybell,

Thank you. I've thought the same thought towards you many times lately, but couldn't get myself to post even that much.

Take care.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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