MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART IV

[adinva]

I think it's a mistake to pretend to be supportive of her moving to Florida, but I mentioned that before. There's a lot of territory between putting on an act that is a lie for you, and acting like you have a right to dispute her right to go. Last time you indicated that if you weren't doing one, you must be doing the other and that makes her mad. I disagree, but there we are. Just thought I'd bang my head on that one again.

I think you should see her if she's coming to you. That's not pursuit. Others here may disagree, and it may come under the cake-eating heading.

I think, given your clarification of what she said in her email, that either no response (still perfectly adequate but possibly annoying in that it might require a "did you get my message?" message from her) OR "ok thanks".

OK thanks is not rude. It's just an acknowledgment that you received the info she sent you. No need to go overboard about how wonderfully she worded the info; that is pursuit.

[MrBond]

I agree with advina.

It's okay to validate her right to want to move, but you don't have to agree with it.

[ItHurts]

Hi Guys. Well that didn't exactly go well. Here's what happened.

WAW asked if she was going to see me once more before she leaves at the end of September. I replied to her that I was at breakfast and driving and I would text her when we were done eating. She said okay. So a couple hours go by and she sends me this...

"Obviously you're otherwise occupied. No worries. Catch ya on the flip side."

I replied and told her to settle down and give me a chance to get home that I was still driving. She said okay.
Then when I got home I told her that us meeting up is entirely up to her. I told her if she has the need to see me I will be there if I can be. She replied...

"That's nice...but I would think you might want to see me too. 18 f*****g years dude WTF??? Thought you might want to wish me well...considering I was a big part of your life too. Glad lady friend gets taken to breakfast...18 years and you never took me. Hmmmmmmm"

I replied asking if we were back to that crap again. I validated and said I understand why you feel that way but it would've been YOU that was at breakfast! I told her you chose to leave so I moved on. I told her of course I enjoy seeing her and that I was well aware it was 18 years...and that that's why I nearly killed myself trying to save it all and stop her from throwing it all away! I told her she knew where I stood and she still chose to give up on us. I told her we had already agreed to be friends and that she should act like it and stop giving me crap about lady friend. I told her it's not fair. I told her if this is how it's going to be if we meet up then no, I in fact don't want to see you. I told her neither of us wants "us" anymore so let's be friends or not be, but that I wasn't listening to this stuff anymore.

She replied saying:

"Sorry it just rubbed me the wrong way. You're right. Moreso I was hoping you would want to see me once before I leave. And I will be civil...sorry it just felt like a dig...and it stung a bit. My bad. Yes I want to be friends...sorry. I'm going to miss you...ya know?"

I replied saying Good then stop the BS because I am done. I have wished you well...several times and I never said I didn't want to see you. I simply said it would have to be YOU that initiates it if that's what you want.

She replied:

"Fine bite me!Lol. A lot of emotions last night going through boxes packing. Sorry...I'm sure you can understand that. Anyway YES I would like us to hang out at some point before I leave. You tell me what works for you and we'll chill somewhere and wish each other well ok?"

I replied "Yes that's fine. I don't want to discuss your emotions anymore. I told you why they are there and that only when something that is NOT meant to be ends do they go away. I don't believe ours was one of those cases. I think those emotions will be with you for a long time. One day you will realize all that I told is true. But I am so done talking about this. I don't want to talk about "us" anymore. It's obviously over so let's let it stay that way. Friends only is all I want from you now. If you can do that that's great, if not I will respect your decision."

She replied:

"No my feelings are clear. I'm doing the right thing....just miss you. Maybe it's a bad idea. I thought it could be nice to say goodbye in person. Do you think we can?"

I replied:

"Okay well if your feelings are so "clear" then stop giving me crap about moving on with my life because that says the opposite to me! I am perfectly capable of seeing you if you want to and fully capable of not seeing you if you don't. So yes I will be just fine either way if that's what you're asking. After all that's happened my feelings have changed for you too. So I will be fine, stop acting like you have this power to hurt me that you don't have anymore. Like I can't handle seeing you. I will be fine. I can't talk much longer about this as I have to get ready to go out."

She replied:

" Okay let's just let it go I guess. I just thought there was one part left in you that would want to wish me well and give us a night to hang out and say goodbye. But I guess timing is everything."

I replied by telling her that I HAVE wished her well, at least a dozen times, and whatever she wanted is fine with me.

She replied by saying:
"You did...I guess it's just me thinking you would want to send me off. As a friend...ya know? Have a good life. If YOU decide you want to spend an hour or so with me before I go...contact me. No anger here. Just going to miss you."

I replied:

"This is your ball game, you make the calls. I will not initiate any meetings between us. If you want to see me, you can...if not I wish you well in whatever you're hoping to accomplish. I would never wish you anything but the best. I really have to go now but you know how to text me if you so choose to, always welcome to."

She replied:

"Ok...same to you. Be safe. Best to you as always."

I replied:

"Thanks I will and you too."

And that was it. So it wasn't a pleasant encounter but you know what? I am sick and tired of her acting like I am her puppet...like she has this power to hurt me by seeing me. I had to strip her of that power. She always acts like it's so traumatic on me for me to see her. I'm also sick and tired of hearing her claim how "clear" her head is regarding me yet she reverts back to the stuff she was doing during the June era...getting bent out of shape because another woman is enjoying what she feels she should've been enjoying...the "new me" per se. Yes I changed a lot in the past couple months and she chose to keep walking and I am tired of justifying my actions to her.

This drama should be a soap opera..."As The Stomach Turns"...always something.

[ItHurts]

I also want to add the postscript...I see her requests as trying to "cake eat"...like she wants me to be her safety net while she makes this huge life change. I won't allow that.

[LisaB]

Wow ItHurts, that text exchange sounds dramatic and annoying. I have been there myself so I get it.

It sounds like you are sick and tired of her trying to pull your strings. I get that. If you have this type of conversation again I would maybe try not to get sucked in to the drama. She's pretty good at pushing your buttons.

The jealousy is funny, indeed if she had let go she would not care if you were at breakfast with someone else. When I think of a previous ex that I left I sure don't care if he is at breakfast or in bed with someone. I just don't care! But of course the WAH, well, if he was taking someone to breakfast that would make me mad. (although the other day he had a lunch date at a place I like and it didn't really bother me that much to know that...hmmm...)

Anyway, it sounds like you are doing your best to move on and enjoy life whatever your W wants to do. I'm guessing she will find her new life exciting but will miss you. Get ready for the tearful phone calls and texts.

Hugs, LisaB

[ItHurts]

Hey Lisa! Thanks dear. Yeah I messed up big time here, AGAIN! I am so disappointed with myself. That whole text exchange just makes me sick. I should've known better but I was acting very friendly until she started with the attitude..."Well you're obviously otherwise occupied"...that remark really set me off there as you can tell. She was acting as if she should be my top priority so I lost it.
Yes, I messed up and I have been trying not to think about this whole text exchange. What an idiot I am...sucked in again. I am just so tired from all of this...emotionally and physically...and I am quite certain I haven't heard the last from her. She's still going to push us getting together again before she goes, I just know it. I'm just waiting for it now.

[LisaB]

Hi ItHurts, you are not an idiot at all! She clearly pushed your buttons. And she will do it again. But try to prepare yourself for it and have a plan for what you will do. Try to put down the phone and walk away. Sometimes that helps me, I just put it down and go in the other room. Go take a shower or something. And when you get back you are calmer and can maybe get out of the drama for a minute. If you have to, turn the phone off for 10 minutes.

Also the other day I was getting into an annoying text conversation/fight with the WAH and I just called him instead and resolved the question much more simply and quickly. In this case that probably wouldn't help but it is another technique when the texting is getting out of hand.

Don't beat yourself up. You did OK! Just next time don't engage as much.

Hugs, Lisa

[ItHurts]

Thanks Lisa! Yeah, there's a lot I could've done different. She just annoys me...claiming how "clear" her mind is! LMFAO! Yeah it's clear alright, you go mess around with some broke, loser alcholic/junkie after being with a decent guy for 18 years, you decide to quit your job you've been at for 15 years to move to FL with no job lined up at all, and then you try and tell me how your feelings are clear yet you give me crap about my personal life. Which is it WAW? I just need to not engage the nonsense anymore. If she is civil I will be...if she is not, I will simply not deal with her. I am just sick that I messed up this time with that text exchange. Thanks for the advice Lisa! I appreciate it!

[Ss06]

I agree with Lisa, You are not an idiot. Given what she dished out you handled it the best you could in the moment. She does seem confused and wanting to control you with her emotions. You spelling it out that she can't do that anymore was awesome but I don't think she believes you. Knowing that, how will you handle her pushing your buttons differently.

What happens if you call her bluff? You've wished her well numerous times but what does she want? You standing there crying as she drives away? Is this the picture she is envisioning? Cake eating big time.

Whew. That conversation exchange gave me a bit of apoplexy.

[ItHurts]

You know I have no idea what she wants from me SS. Supposedly she wanted us to be friends, and I agreed to that 2 weeks ago. I wished her well and everything, I thought, was fine. Then she brings up seeing me once more before she leaves the end of September...that's the text convo above. So I really don't know. But I am sticking to my guns...even if it DOES mean I don't see her again before she leaves. Screw that, she wants to see me? She can take action to make it happen. I just don't care. If moving to Florida with her best friend is more important than me I really don't care. The marriage and our relationship is quite obviously over now. She moving there, she's already gave notice at her work, so that will be end of that.

However I am curious about what Lisa said, do you really think I am STILL going to get "tearful phone calls and texts" from her once she's down there? At that point I will really be stern and just tell her, look you chose to move down there to live...so live there. I cannot help you hundreds and hundreds of miles away. You wanted a new life, you didn't want to "answer to anyone" anymore...so you know what WAW...then DON'T! Your time to seek comfort from me would preferably have been when we resided in at least the same state. Go cry under a palm tree somewhere.
There's clearly no hope for us at this point.