It'll be what you make it. Go with the intention of having a good time and learning something (about climbing). If it's too awkward with her there, you'll know what to do the next time.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It appears that my recent post was deleted somehow So this post is a brief summary of that as well as an update.
I had been essentially dark for about 3 months when my wife and I started talking again. There was a hiking achievement that we had been working on together until she moved out. We were very close to finishing it and at the time, I had asked her to continue to do them with me so we could finish together. After a bit of waiting, I continued working on it without her. I made plans to complete the achievement this past saturday. A few weeks prior, she caught wind and asked me if I would help her catch up so we could finish together. We took a day off of work to do one trip and had an amazing time. From my perspective, an outside observer would have thought we were a happy couple. We talked non-stop, laughed, goofed around, were very familiar with each other and she seemed to have a twinkle in her eye that I hadn't seen in a long time.
We never managed to catch her up to finish together though. She had plans last weekend and couldn't get another day off work this week. However, we spoke on the phone a couple of times, went for a bike ride/dinner/ice cream one evening and things seemed to have taken a small turn in the right direction.
During this time, we had only snippets of r-discussion. She brought up her fear that we would only fall into old habits but also said she felt like she should be settled down by now. I said that I had really enjoyed spending time with her recently and she agreed that it 'meant something' but she's not sure what. I told her that I was hanging out and talking with her because I still hadn't given up hope that we could turn things around. She asked a number of times if I was seeing someone else which I declined to answer. She seemed to think it was important but I told her that it only mattered if she could tell me she was ready to come back 100%. The word divorce was never mentioned.
So- I went on my trip Saturday and finished my achievement. When I came home, there was a small package on my doorstep. It was a card from her congratulating me. The card was handmade, very well done (she put a lot of time into it) and had an incredibly sweet message in it. I was floored- it brought a tear to my eye. I called her to thank her and got no answer so sent a nice text and asked her to call me the next morning. She finally texted me at 1030 or so saying she was busy but would call me later- she never did.
I finally spoke briefly with her this morning. She said she had plans today but wanted to get together tomorrow after work. I suggested that we go rock climbing and then grab dinner.
So here's the complication. She spent the weekend with the OM. She doesn't know that I know and he hasn't even been a topic of conversation the past few weeks. I feel like I need to cut this off until she cuts that off. I feel like there are possibly some chinks in her armor and in her affair (she's been having something of an affair with me the past 2-3 weeks no?). Am I being impatient?
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Your timeline suggests that you have been into this for eight months or so. You had been doing well on detachment until a positive past mutual experience and a plea for help started the construction of a cheeseless tunnel,
My view is that you remain a great climbing buddy and an occasional companion when other options are not available. With no pun intended it seems as if she wants to see if you are still on the other end of the rope.
Follow your instincts as I think they are correct here. If her involvement with OM is your boundary to anything further with you, you must stick to it or she won't take you seriously.
I would also suggest you find someone else to climb with and cancel the dinner.
Good luck.
The only easy day was yesterday
Friends - 35 years Together -32 years Married - 29 years S - 26 BD - 11/11 S 7/12 Last visual contact 2/13 Last verbal contact 4/13
Hi Dingo, good to "see" you. It is a tough situation that you are in. Though really, is it any different than last December, or January, or February? She has been unable to completely let go of you this whole time, but also has remained with OM. Sure, maybe the R with OM isn't going as planned. Would you feel comfortable with her coming back to you for that reason?
I want to be more positive for you, but honestly, I think you deserve better than what she has to offer right now. I agree with AW up there - you need to stick to your boundary.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Thanks for the responses guys. Forgive me for not writing out the answer to your question bug but I did spend some time thinking about it.
I cancelled our "date" for tonight and re-affirmed the boundary. She claims that she is having second thoughts about everything she's done (which is a turnaround from two months ago when she was dead-set on divorce), hinted at relationship problems with the OM and said she really does regret not finishing our hikes together. Maybe she's starting to feel left behind, idk.
I am trying to re-establish my detachment and feel good about my decision.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
