I don't actually think about the OW very much, frankly at the moment she is welcome to H. But I do care very much about her being around the kids and not just because I'm being petty but because, my IC, the children's counselor and every other source I have consulted says its a very bad idea. H has sworn several times he wasn't taking the girls around her, but his resistance to providing his address and the name of the single female he lives with (and he has had the girls there for an overnight)leads me to think he is simply incapable of the truth.
I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here. I really want for him to give final confirmation that he is living with OW (and has lied again) just so we can clarify the new situation regarding kids. He would only be allowed to see them at our house. Do I email and say "H- just cough up the living situation" ?
Rather than trying to get a confession out of your H, why not just hire a private investigator and get some photos. Once you have the evidence his attempts to lie about his new "living situation" will become much harder. Perhaps two or three different nights showing he is there, and the time he leaves is clear enough evidence? Best wishes.
Truthfully, I don't think there's any real question that he's living with the OW. I know it and he knows I know it. I guess I would just derive some paltry satisfaction from hearing him say "I lied".
I do feel like a bit of a chump, because several friends have been telling me he must be living with her, and I have defended him (even at this point) by reasoning that he admitted to the affairs and why would he lie about this? I guess I thought the rule about "don't believe anything he says" was in regards to not believing any mean or hurtful thing he might say. I have now finally gotten it though my hard, hard head, that I cannot trust ANYTHING that he says. Seriously, if he says the sky is blue, I will go outside to verify. This whole mini-drama has also reinforced my view that the "affair fog", or whatever you want to call it, has made him INSANE. I cannot emphasize enough how much lying is out of character for him. He is a complete and total stranger right now.
Anyway - I've decided to stop driving the bus on this one. Since the BD, he has passively sat back and waited for me to tell him when he is "allowed" to have the girls. I'm not doing that anymore. We had already worked out that when he goes back to his regular schedule he will get them ready for school and pick them up on his days off. Those activities will not allow him to take them out of town to his new digs, so they are fine. If he wants anything more than that, he will have to initiate the discussion and give me the information I have been asking for regarding his living situation.
And along those lines, I guess I can't believe he will finish the treehouse for D6, so I am just going to have to figure out how to do it. Spent the morning in the garage, reviewing the plans and timidly poking the power tools. I've been a little afraid of them ever since I read that Robert Frost poem in High School where the kid cuts off his arm with a chainsaw and dies. But really, if H can do it, so can I.
So, I was sitting here thinking I should try and motivate myself by thinking of things that I love about H: the way he always wanted to hold my hand while we were driving somewhere, the silly voices he used to carry on conversations with the pets and the way he anxiously stroked my hair as I suffered through the difficult delivery of our firstborn.
And then I realized, it doesn't matter. He's not that guy right now. He's a guy who treated me very badly in the 2 years since his first affair started. He's a guy who left his family via note. He's the guy who cannot stop lying to me, even now. I don't know if the H I knew will ever reappear, and if he does he still might not want to return to the marriage. He might stay this same sad person, and it's possible he might continue to downward spiral. In the midst of all the pain he's caused, I've still felt myself worrying about him and what he is putting himself through.
No more. I can't think about the H that I love right now. I have to turn that love to myself and my children right now.
And the saga just keeps going. H FINALLY sent me an email this morning giving me the address of where he lives and said he lives with a fellow cop. He did not give me her name like I asked. He also asked if he could have the girls for overnights during the school week.
So I'm back to "Is he/isn't he living with the girlfriend"? And I only care about this at the moment because I don't want the girls around her.
By the way - please feel free to chime in. H now lives 45 minutes away. Does it seem reasonable for him to pick the girls up from school - drive them to his place for 45 minutes, spend the evening with him and then have him drive them back to school in the morning (another 45 minutes). Honestly - I'd like some opinions - that seems unpleasant to me - but maybe I'm being overprotective. H works weekends so he can't really have them then.
So I'm back to "Is he/isn't he living with the girlfriend"? And I only care about this at the moment because I don't want the girls around her.
By the way - please feel free to chime in. H now lives 45 minutes away. Does it seem reasonable for him to pick the girls up from school - drive them to his place for 45 minutes, spend the evening with him and then have him drive them back to school in the morning (another 45 minutes). Honestly - I'd like some opinions - that seems unpleasant to me - but maybe I'm being overprotective. H works weekends so he can't really have them then.
Raliced, at first I was totally balking about the 45 minute drive, but then I realized that there are times that a drive to or from school can take me 45 min. Not on a regular basis, but with traffic depending on the time of day. So...if that's the only time he can take them, and otherwise he's a good dad, then I'd probably agree to that. Exposing them to OW, however, is a dealbreaker in my opinion, something I've made clear to H that he is never to do as long as we are M. He has agreed with me, but he hasn't moved out yet, either. Good luck with all this, I hate it for both of us.
My philosophy is that if he is willing to do that 45 minute drive, then awesome! It might be unpleasant and it's going to take forethought (potty first, etc) but he can do it. If he wants it and he's doing it then, besides the unknown exposure to OW, I say let it happen.
I think I'm developing a knee jerk reaction to be hyper- protective of the kids - so it's good to hear rasonable perspectives from people in similar situations. Thanks!
