Dealing with WAW part 5

[Gotan74]

Pilot hang in there buddy.

[ItHurts]

Hey pilot, how was the beach?

Interesting about WAW seemingly not wanting you to see her place. I kind of act like this with my H so maybe she is just feeling angry or something and wants to mess with you. Or maybe her house is not clean and she doesn't want you to see that. Who knows.

I find the advice from ItHurts to be very interesting. The whole thing with this DB, at least for some of us, is acting as if we have moved on, don't care and are cool with the D situation. In my opinion, at least for some of us, this is the best way to behave. If we stay cool and unbothered it may make the WAS wonder why and maybe second guess their own decision. However, sometimes we may push that "I don't care" too far - in my case maybe my kissing adventure and in your case planting the seed of another woman. But if so we can only test the waters and then try something different right?

Keep on keeping on as they say. Try something different. Maybe NC for a minute?

Hope the beach was fun!
Hugs, Lisa

Yeah I mean as I said, I am by NO MEANS an expert as nothing I have done has worked so far. So keep that in mind. I've screwed up royally a couple of times, most recently getting into with my WAW in text a couple days ago when she started giving me crap about my lady friend. The conversation exploded and it probably wasn't a good thing. However yes, I DEFINITELY noticed that my WAW was not pleased one bit when she perceived that I had accepted the divorce and moved on. Of course all of this happened back in the June era of my sitch which is documented somewhere here in the 4 threads of my saga.

I mean there's always gray area and that's what complicates things. You can go too far with any DB technique. However in my personal experience, acting as if I accepted that my WAW wanted a D and then moving on to a "well since this is definitely what you want, let's get it over with A.S.A.P." attitude; it definitely got a reaction out of her.

Now as far as a lady friend goes, again, this has yielded me good results thus far with my WAW. She is certainly bothered by it and she makes that clear...again you can go read my most recent interaction with her in my last post in my own thread. So I think the threat of a LF can work in Pilot's favor. If nothing else, it's someone to talk to and something to take your mind off WAW. My only recommendation is to be COMPLETELY HONEST with lady friend, let her know you still have feelings for WAW, she will appreciate your honesty and may even, as in my case, "wait" for you. There is no way I would mislead my lady friend, she doesn't deserve that and honesty always impresses a woman...especially when it's honesty regarding something that one could easily belittle or outright lie about...such as still having feeling for WAW.

So again, I am not an expert here as I've backslid a few times in recent weeks, and none of this has worked for me so far because my WAW is still moving to FL and the divorce is still almost final in November. I am just offering advice based on my observations of my own WAW and she clearly was annoyed with me going along with everything and clearly annoyed I am seeing another woman. So I figure annoying her indirectly like this is something SHE needs to reflect on and it can't hurt for her to ask herself why she cares about these things if indeed she desires to be free of you, which is obviously what a divorce initiator wants. So heed my advice with caution and if a vet chimes in and says something different, I would definitely listen to them over me.

I am hoping things improve for you Pilot!

[pilot]

Hey pilot, how was the beach?

Interesting about WAW seemingly not wanting you to see her place. I kind of act like this with my H so maybe she is just feeling angry or something and wants to mess with you. Or maybe her house is not clean and she doesn't want you to see that. Who knows.

I find the advice from ItHurts to be very interesting. The whole thing with this DB, at least for some of us, is acting as if we have moved on, don't care and are cool with the D situation. In my opinion, at least for some of us, this is the best way to behave. If we stay cool and unbothered it may make the WAS wonder why and maybe second guess their own decision. However, sometimes we may push that "I don't care" too far - in my case maybe my kissing adventure and in your case planting the seed of another woman. But if so we can only test the waters and then try something different right?

Keep on keeping on as they say. Try something different. Maybe NC for a minute?

Hope the beach was fun!
Hugs, Lisa

Hey Lisa. My take on it was she probably bought a bunch of new stuff (I know she bought a new tv even though all of our tvs are right here and she could have had any one of them) and new bedroom stuff. I figured she did not want me to see how much money she had spent because in a few days she is going to want some from me.

ItHurts did offer some interesting advice, and I will address it in the next post. True, we may push the I dont care angle too much. Maybe I did just that. I just felt nothing was really happening prior, and given now that she has her new place, and getting all set up for a new life without me, more of the same was not going to yield any different results.

The beach was tons of fun. Was really nice to get the kiddos back. We had a long fun day!!!

[pilot]

Hey Pilot!
Just getting caught up here on your sitch. I am, by no means, the best advice-giver here but I do believe that this, from the convo your WAW had with her friend, is something to think on...

2. She said my W explained to her that the reason she is dragging out the D by not serving me papers, and waiting 3-4 more months to file here in our new state is that she wants to spare my feelings and not be rude by rushing this D through quickly. She thinks it would be easier on me if it did not happen so quick. That she knew I was hurting and did not want to rub salt in the wound.

I think in this case you may want to act like you are cool with the divorce now. My WAW acts the same way, acts like she has this power to hurt me and likes to be "merciful." I wouldn't allow this mentality. In my opinion it gives WAW an upper hand, makes her think you are at her mercy. Again, maybe vets here will offer different advice but to me I think allowing WAW to be in a place where she thinks her actions can "spare you" of hurt is not good. I think it might knock her socks off if you started acting as if you don't want this thing delayed and drawn out forever.

I acted this way with my WAW, like I was at a place where although she knew I didn't initially want a D, that if it was decided it was going to happen, then make it happen fast so it doesn't drag out. I acted like I had accepted it and it wasn't the end of my world. My WAW was clearly was agitated after awhile by this. She would say things like "You know you could act like this bothers you at least a little bit! Instead you're all upbeat and ready for a new life!" She was annoyed that I was fine with the D even though I really wasn't. I just feel like if your WAW was comfortable acting like she is "sparing" you hurt while talking to her friend, that she feels like she has the upper hand and in a way has the power to hurt you. I don't think this is a good idea in my opinion. However as I said, the vets here may say otherwise but this is how I see this. I hope you keep your cool my friend. I'm rooting for you!

I hear what you are saying, and I have really thought about this course of action. Basically it would require me to answer the petition, and act as if...

It would in essence be a giant bluff. If this was a poker game, the cards I am holding are not winning cards. The logic is sound though.

Maybe a vet will chime in... I have probably until Friday before any other interaction with my W occurs (other than her sending a text to facetime with the kids.) Friday night S5 has a new parents BBQ followed by the high school football game for his school. I am sure she will want to attend as well. So at least I have some time to consider my next move.

[igit]

Pilot, sounds like a great time w kids at beach. I bet mom will ask them how it was, who was there etc...I know my wife will say to me how come I get to have all the fun with kids, boating, cabin, etc.. I tell her look your more than welcome to come next time and leave it at that. I know it's tuff with D paperwork and time frames etc. I try and think positive about it just being a piece of paper.Although an expensive one! However it shouldn't stop you from DBing.

[pilot]

igit, I have no idea what my W does with the kids when she has them. I dont ask her, dont ask the kids, and do not look at her fb page (I still have her blocked) to find out. If she wants to follow up on me, well, that is strange... Regardless, she was invited to the beach today and she chose not to. No big deal..but it kills the 'why do you get to have fun with them argument.'

Now when she gets a job, that is when things will get interesting and when she REALLY finds out how difficult being a single parent is.

[pilot]

It just occurred to me, if you put the pieces together from over the summer, it is very likely my W thinks I am already moving on to another W. There was the Bday party invite, the time in the car when S5 said to her on facetime we were going to meet her, the bday party of hers I went to a few weeks ago, and the 'fake' bit at lunch with my W a week ago.

Not trying to mind read and say she HAS made this assumption, just saying that looking back, if you put those pieces together, it is not hard to come to that conclusion.

[igit]

Pilot, there is no question about that. My w started her job a few weeks ago. I am here to help with kids and house, she is getting up at 530 and gone by 6.she is wiped out by 8pm in bed sleeping. I can't figure out why she asked me before taking job if I would commit to taking kids and then 2 weeks later I get served. I haven't complained and she hasn't asked me what I was going to do with summons since the night I got it. We have been getting along well. I just can't figure out what she is thinking. I would think she realizes how hard it is now..anyway hang in there Pilot, let her get that job and be independent and see how much free time she really has. This is hard stuff we are dealing with. I look at my freinds that are in good m and think if my w and I can get thru this and somehow reconnect it would be alot better then our 1st m together

[pilot]

I look at my freinds that are in good m and think if my w and I can get thru this and somehow reconnect it would be alot better then our 1st m together

A very very meaningful statement right there.

Try not to figure out why your W did what she did regarding job and kids. She obviously had a plan from the beginning. But odds are you will never really guess what it was, and if you actually found out, you would probably be surprised and not have thought of it on your own.

[25yearsmlc]

Hey pilot,
Just read your post about the phone call with the friend of WAW. Here are my thoughts:

1. Who is this "friend" and why is she getting involved? It seems strange to me that she would be the confidante of your W and then tell you what she said? Maybe I missed the part about that. Do you think she could have ulterior motives? I don't get why this friend would want to gossip about all this with you.


I Echo this ^^^ x 1000...it's NOT relevant. This "source" is the same woman who is in a lousy m herself, which she shares with your w (And YOU)....um, okay...AND she told you what her hubby said, which he had NO basis for saying. Why would she pass that little gem onto you? ThInk about that...

and her h said "HE bet your wife had had an affair"...this man had NO FACTUAL basis for that allegation!!! But h boldly hurled it out. I'd never answer either of their calls again and I sure as heck would put ZERO stock in their 'insights"....talk about projecting their own problems onto someone else.

Do you realize how bad you made HER H look? And how bad your wife made HER look?? (remember, the "friend" whined and bitterly complained about her h, to your wife, who NEVER said a word to her about you....IF THAT IS TRUE, then the rest makes zero sense....your wife showed loyalty to you and they could not handle that

No one on DB should ever make a decision based on triple hearsay, and such biased "opinions"....
.

2. The reason your W supposedly gave for delaying the D could be true. On the other hand it could be an excuse on her part. She is not ready to do it, and that is the reason she is saying. That doesn't mean that is the real reason. And above all, her feelings could change. Whatever the reason, she isn't doing it.

3. All the other stuff I would mostly ignore as you said it is old news. Very old news. Who cares.

AMEN

4. Interesting that she said she was thinking about being with you until you threw cold water on the whole thing. So yeah, I think you know what is happening.

I saw that as your w wanting you to know she "would have ---but for your rejection of her", which also is inconsistent with the claims the other "Friend" is making.

Geez....when it's this confusing, pay no attention til you hear it from the horses mouth and even then....only part


You have a handle on the situation. None of this sounds like news to me. It probably just hurts a lot hearing it again and from someone else.

for ego reasons it hurts more when it comes from others, and I get that. But in reality it has even LESS validity. Don't forget that, okay?

But if you can, let it go. I think the only news you heard was that she wanted to go ahead with the D but was delaying to spare your feelings. That sounds like BS. If she was interested in sparing your feelings none of this would be happening, would it?

Chin up pilot! You are doing great. Let this slide off your back.
Hugs, LisaB

She's not ready to say she's not ready to divorce. She's not ready to say she is confused. But what else could be made of her comment (AND Behavior which you yourself witnessed and said "Could have gotten physical")

other than SHE IS CONFUSED and that means she's got mixed feelings. And for most of us, that would be GOOD NEWS. And please consider

Losing those "Friends" and don't bet on their marriage lasting 3 more years (assuming fidelity is required).