MLC W Dates Lotsa Men, Part III

[GoatGal]

Hey All,

I have Fibromyalgia; was diagnosed shortly after I got married (!)
Re-diagnosed about 15 years ago.



My H (former massage therapist) used to help me with this in many ways.

GUBU decided that I was lazy when I had bad days, and sees no problem with me doing all the work that used to take two people.
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My H used to draw me a hot bath, put in the lavender oil, pour me a glass of wine.
We always planned to include a Jacuzzi tub in our remodel as recommended by my docs and partially deductible as a medical expense.

GUBU decided that I didn't "need" such a tub, decided he didn't want to spend the money or do the work, and was upset with GoatGal for being disappointed with this verdict.
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My H always knew when I was having a painful day and offered to help with "my" chores, pick up dinner, let me rest.

GUBU sees my hot packs, pain meds, Epsom salts, linaments, the massage table set up in the living room that I need to sleep/sit on when my back flares up (from lifting, doing HIS chores when he does't show, overdoing it in general) ...and berates me for "playing the victim."



Did he forget the truth?
I doubt it.
It's hard not to wonder what they're thinking.
It's just sad.

---------GGG

PS: Questions about Fibromyalgia are welcome if you want a woman's perspective.

[Spacey]

That's... interesting. There haven't been any anti-depressants approved for treating fibromyalgia previous to 2009. I know the link between fibromyalgia and depression has been suspected in some circles for some time now (considering "depressed mood" is a common symptom), but unless she was part of some sort of clinical trial, that seems like a strange treatment going back that far.

Is it possible that she's off the anti-depressants?

Obviously, no one here is in a position to diagnose your wife with depression, but it's definitely a possibility you should consider. It will give you some new things to look for, and it may help you make some sense of things.

Depression's a funny beast. I can be caused by chronic pain; it can cause chronic pain; it can amplify chronic pain. There's a brief overview of how the two play on one another on WebMD. Depression also causes mood swings, outbursts of anger and resentment toward the people closest to the sufferer, and a wholesale rejection of anyone who tries to help (especially if they're telling the sufferer that they're suffering from depression, or that they need to seek outside help). It's sometimes best to think of depression as a parasite (not to be confused with a parasite causing depression, by the way) that will make its host do whatever is necessary to preserve the life of the parasite. Anyone who could be a threat to the continuation of the depression gets systematically removed from the sufferer's life, either through avoidance, or, more commonly (as it actively fuels the depression) by chasing them away with abuse (this way the sufferer can tell themselves that those people never cared about them in the first place, that they're unworthy of love, that their loved ones are weak, or that they're better off on their own; depression thrives on isolation).

Anyway, just some food for thought. Again, no one here, yourself included, is in a position to diagnose your wife. Do keep an eye out for unusual changes in her routine, such as the dropping of hobbies that are part of her core identity, and falling behind on responsibilities that she would, normally, never allow to fall to the wayside (as an example, I've noticed, recently, that my own wife has largely stopped attending to the plants on her balcony. That's highly unusual behaviour for her).

And yeah, I know that feeling. It always was you, and it should still be you. But she doesn't want it to be you right now, either because she's angry and resentful toward you, or for whatever other reason. She may not have any idea what her needs are right now. Pain -- whether it's physical, psychological, or emotional -- can drive people to make very unusual decisions. You know she's suffering, and she's probably looking for something that will give her some relief. You've been there for so long now that she doesn't believe you can help. In fact, it sounds very much like she believes you're the cause of some, if not most, of her suffering. That's probably not a fair assessment on her part, but desperation causes people to do weird things, to make poor decisions, and to lash out at nearby people like a wounded animal.

Remember compassion. Compassion is one of those things that makes a man great, and it's one of those things that people remember after coming back to their senses.

[Wet]

GoatGal, thanks for the insights of your fibromyalgia. I hope I was compassionate about my W's fibromyalgia, but who knows what she thinks. I like what GUBU did with your baths, and I hope to try this if I ever get the chance with my W some day.

May I ask you? You sound like you drive yourself pretty hard with all that you do, and I bet at the end of the day you are pretty sore. It seems like with my W she voluntarily drives herself too hard doing recreational things (like tennis, extended walks, etc.) that cause her pain. Any idea why she does this too herself, and not just take it easier?

And Spacey, thank you for the extra information you provided on the connection with depression. Being separated from W for over 14 months, I cannot say for sure what medication she is taking. I just remember that if she was ever off her AD pills for any amount of time she would be in terrible pain, and walk around like a proverbial bent over little old lady. Thanks also for your understanding of the pain I've been going through.

[Spacey]

Physical activity is one of those things that we all instinctively think makes pain worse (because, initially, when you're sore, moving makes you feel pain), but it's actually good for pain. Exercise reduces the severity of pain, even in chronic sufferers, during and after activity. Not only do you get a big rush of endorphines, it also releases serotonin and dopamine, which help to lower stress and stabilize mood.

So, physical activity is good for people suffering from chronic pain (assuming it isn't joint related; high impact workouts aren't going to help if your problem is a sore knee).

[Wet]

Well, I'm feeling like I want to end our marriage. I've had s12 over for the weekend. But W gave me the job of picking up his school supplies. First, I spoke with W this afternoon to discuss having dinner together out tomorrow night for s12's birthday (on Tuesday). But then she just throws out there that she is going walking around a lake with a "friend". I don't know and I don't care who she is walking with, but it seems like she throws this kind of cr*p at me the few times we do talk. I haven't seen her in almost 3 weeks.

Then s12 has a meltdown, he doesn't want to go school supply shopping with me because he doesn't have any pants to wear. I show him something to wear, not good enough, and he takes off. I don't lose my temper in this kind of fight, I just let it boil inside. I'm just so frustrated about everything of this separation. I went and got the supplies, and I was just steaming angry the whole time - enough that I want to serve divorce papers on W on Tuesday. Nothing is happening, and there is no R so it doesn't matter. Enough.

[Lifes Twists]

I can understand your frustration Wet. Unfortunately the craziness of the situation caused by our spouses does have an affect on the kids. They will react in negative fashion and lash out because of the situation they have been thrust into without the skills to understand and handle it. Hopefully you have a counselor for your son to talk to.

In terms of serving papers, I would not do it in anger. If it is the right thing to do, you can wait, cool off and reevaluate.

Many of us our in the same situation. My 15 year old is lashing out and showing anger at the situation. We have to be the adults in all this since our spouses have given that up as well.

[Shining]

Wet, it sounds like you're having a really rough day. I'm so sorry your W keeps throwing such horrible things in your face. It's not fair. You don't deserve that. No one does. You have every right to be angry and feel done. Just because you feel done right now, doesn't mean you ARE done.

The fact that you are angry, in itself, means you are not done. It is never a good idea to make a decision in this condition, and as a L, I'm sure you know that. .

Seeing the kids in pain is a real bugger, isn't it? As parents, we can't stand to see our kids hurting, and we naturally want to fix things. We want to remove their pain, and remove the people who cause it. We want to do it ASAP. We want to hurt those who hurt our kids. This is all perfectly natural. But filing for D will not change your W bad behavior, nor will it suddenly stop you from having feelings. Only you can control your feelings, with or without paper.

Done is, to me, after all efforts have been exhausted, and there are absolutely no feelings whatsoever of anger, desire, or love, for an extended period of time. A couple of days ago you wanted to be the one taking care of her.... You aren't done, then, yeah?

You may end up D, regardless. Or you may not. Time will tell. Only you will know when you are truly done.

Right now, the toughest thing to do, is detach more. It is my own biggest struggle....but it's the only way to survive this. Focus on your s. He clearly needs you and some type of outlet for his own emotions. Is he seeing a c?

She is not done going through her tunnel, not even close. Trust the process, detach, and focus on what you can control. She succeeds at getting to you, whether intentional or not. Don't go down with that ship, Wet. Keep on GAL. Don't give any more thoughts to her right now. It doesn't change what's happening, and it only hurts you to know. Remember the awesome man you are. And be him.

[Wet]

Thank you Life Twists and Shining. I am dreading the "family" dinner tonight at Buffalo Wild Wings, we should have all 5 of us together to celebrate s12's birthday (d18 out-of-state the only exception). For some reason my emotions are going haywire.

[Atsbaby]

Wet,

I had been sitting in limbo wondering what was going to happen. I kept feeling like I wanted to go back and forth with filing myself, because of the waiting. The waiting is hard, but this is where our changes need to come into focus for us.

Now that Clark has filed, I feel like I've run out of time (I know it's just paper, and we will get back together, PMA). You are cycling through your emotions just like she is, as is your s.

Let him throw his temper tantrum. Then you db him too. Set your rules and expectations for him. He feels safe around you, that is why he is acting out. I deal with these types of kids and they don't know how to express themselves appropriately, so teach your s how to cope with this current stress. I know it's hard, but role model how you are reacting to W. You both will be better off in the future.

[Wet]

Dinner tonight with W and 3 of the 4 kids to celebrate s13's birthday tomorrow went well. I have been on edge all weekend, so I was waiting for W to say something over the line. But she started by saying that she spent yesterday with her high school friend and HER daughter. I was relieved that it was not another story about one of her male friends, so I relaxed a bit and it was fun, full of laughs, everything that a family meal should be.

But then she talked about her new business - yes, she is sticking to the idea of taking "dating website" professional photos for people. But then she crossed the line, she explained why she would be good at it. And the first reason why she would be good at this dating photographs business:

W: Because I'm single.
Me: No, we're married.
W: No, I'm single.
Me: W, This is like pregnancy you are either pregnant or not, you can't be sorta pregnant (we had an experience where during one of our 7 miscarriages that W was told she was sorta pregnant, which confused the heck out of both of us., so I wanted to tie it in here to make a point.) We are still married.

So the weird thing is I thought I saw W smile after this exchange. I could be mistaken. But we both let this pass, and the rest of the meal everything was fine. A good family night together.

Nothing has changed, but I am glad I was able to send out a truth dart to at least make me feel like I said something. But I continue my stay in limboland... Sigh.