Not sure what to do

[claire7]

Bob,

Can you clarify? I don't see in your texts where you specifically said, "I'd like to see him, when would be a good time?"

True that she didn't come out and offer that to you... but you also didn't clearly ask for that...at least not that I could see?

And maybe text is not the best tool for that? What if you emailed instead, something like, "W, I've been thinking and worrying about dog. I miss him and would very much like to see him and get more details about his condition. Would ___ be a good time? If not, please let me know when would work for you."

You have a tendency to have a victim mentality, and I see a lot in your posts about how your wife "didn't do" this or that... But I think you have some P/A tendencies, too.

[Bob1967]

No I did not specifically say, "I'd like to see him, when would be a good time?"

But it was implied.

I agree with Sandy.

Why did my wife call and say she was taking the dog to the vet and then text me all night with updates...only to deny me access to information?

It's punishing.

[Ss06]

It sounds like she wants to be the controller of the information. That is punitive.

HOWEVER, you can only control you. You have ZERO control over her and her actions, no matter how punitive or P/A.

What can you do differently, Bob?

[Bob1967]

I can't do anything differently. I live in an apartment.

She lives in the house with the dog.

[claire7]

Come on, Bob.

What if you asked for what you wanted directly, instead of just implying what you wanted (expecting her to read your mind, then thinking she is evil when she doesn't offer you what you haven't asked for).

Something like this:
"I wanted to thank you for taking care of our dog. I miss him and have been concerned about his health. I would like to see him. Would ___ date work for you? If not, please let me know when would be a better time to allow me to see him. In addition, I would like to have more information about his condition, or be given access to his records from the vet."

I dunno if this is the right advice, I'm no vet. But it's certainly different. You can certainly do something different.

[Bob1967]

The first series of texts that I send my wife said I could do whatever was needed. I offered to miss the football game.

The football game is an annual event with me and my dad.

I'm pretty sure offering to miss an annual event with my 80+ year old father (who lives in another state) is a very clear request to see the dog.

[Ss06]

bob, you're still stuck in "i'm right mode". Is that working for you? Are you seeing the dog? Are you hearing about his health? So clearly your current direction isn't working.

do something different. Anything.

[KGirl]

Hi Bob,

It may seem like I'm popping up out of the woodwork here, but I felt a strong desire to respond to what's going on here. If I put myself in your wife's shoes (which I think I can do somewhat, as my H is the one who wants to leave/wants a divorce and I don't), why would she extend an invitation for you to come over? I wouldn't if I was already feeling rejected and knew my H was filing for D.. in fact, that's the exact advice we'd give her if she was here, to not pursue you. Reading through your text conversation it seemed completely reasonable to me. You asked if she needed help, she said no, what's there to be upset about? She didn't deny you anything. So far you've offered to help if needed... but if she doesn't need help, why would she ask? Again, I wouldn't.. I wouldn't want to seem needy and like I need to see you. I'm with claire on this. One of the things we talk about quite a bit on different threads is codependency and asking direclty for what you want, rather than couching in it "but he/she should KNOW what I want and if I have to ask it's not worth it" and then being resentful when you don't get your needs met.

I'm pretty sure offering to miss an annual event with my 80+ year old father (who lives in another state) is a very clear request to see the dog.

This type of communication is just asking for misunderstanding/expectations/resentment.

[claire7]

^^^ this.

Thanks, K-girl. You said it much more compassionately than I could have.

[labug]

Bob, you're getting some good advice here in the last couple of posts. Slow down a bit.

You're mind-reading and it seems that may be a good place for you to start your work, along with asking directly for what you need.

Why not text her with: "I'd like to see him. When would be a good time?"