This is terrifying - I hope you understand

[Bitzie]

Hi,
Just wanted to jump in and say that I hope your W turns her feet and walks right back to you.

Hang in there, just like the rest of us Chin up

[Shakspr]

Okay, strange new emotion today. W is out of town at an aunt's (good woman - practically her Mom)after dropping off SS, 15, at his Dad's. She said she was staying overnite with Aunt, but is still not home.

And I find myself not caring. Whether she is there, here, or in a car wreck. That can't be right, can it? Is my heart just too tired to keep fighting alone?

Confused, tired, and having fun with my kids all at once. This is surreal.

[HopeTex]

Could be healthy detachment growing in you?

[Nitty]

I am unconcerned about her intentionally doing harm. I just can't stomach (right now) the thought of telling them that this is something mutual when in reality, it is not.

I had such a visceral emotional reaction when I heard Mr. Gritty was telling our friends that our separation was mutual, that we'd been unhappy for years. I got so angry. I couldn't stop myself, I would say, no, it wasn't mutual, but I hope he figures himself out and comes back to me.

I can't imagine how I'd feel if my kids were younger and believed I had an equal part in breaking Mom and Dad up.

And I find myself not caring. Whether she is there, here, or in a car wreck. That can't be right, can it? Is my heart just too tired to keep fighting alone?

Perhaps the fact she's with somebody you respect has a part in it? Perhaps you would feel differently if you knew she was spending the weekend with someone who was a not a friend to your marriage?

[2stubborn2quit]

This is just my personal opinion here. I agree that mocking her for her religious beliefs was wrong but I see no reason why you'd feel pressured to take on her religious beliefs for yourself for the sake of the marriage. Just be yourself.

[Shakspr]

Thanks for the perspective, all. HopeTex is probably right - healthy detachment. Problem is, I have an off switch. I was a geeky little kid who "felt" too much. Once I learned that people could - and would - use that against me, I learned how to turn it off. And that off switch is a shiny button. I don't want to stop caring completely, 'cuz then I go into FU mode and mass casualties occur. Why am I so binary?

Thanks, again Nitty. Just knowing that you are checking in on me as I am on you helps a ton. I don't know what my wife is telling her chosen few, but her extended friend base is all Christian home school Moms. This isn't going to go over well with them at all. She has an old friend from the children's home she grew up in (long story, that one) who will probably agree with whatever she says, but that's their problem. You are 100% right. Telling the kids about this will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Worse than a Calculus III final.

2S2Q - thanks for the feedback. Oh, I know I was a knucklehead. That was 12 years ago. I have always been a Christian but fell away from active faith and growth after getting to know a Pastor very well and finding him and his belief to be highly hypocritical (his son and I were friends.) I was young, yada yada. This time around, adopting, and then really embracing Christ could have been smoother, but the proof is in the pudding. I have rediscovered myself in Him - and honestly, I have my W to thank. I am more faithful now than ever. Though W has fallen away a bit, don't you think?

Anniversary is 9/2. Somebody have a drink for me. I only drink when I'm in a good mood to begin with. Something tells me that won't be the case on Tuesday.

[pilot]

Skakspr,

Just caught up on your situation. Perhaps one of the vets like sandi could chime in. You seem to have an extra hill to climb being it YOUR first marriage and your Ws 3rd. In other words, D has become almost normal to her where it is catastrophic to you. I have a good friend of mine who has literally been married 8 or so times. It is insane. She has married and divorced/annulled within months. People like that baffle me. Now granted you two have been married for quite some time, but given that she has already divorced twice before, she may not be as afraid of it as some first timers.

Anyways, just a thought...because maybe there is something you can/should do that others might.

Keep posting. Even if I am not responding all the time, I will follow you and you can know that at least one person is thinking and wishing the best for you.

[Shakspr]

Just backslid something fierce. W, after being gone for 3 days to her aunt's returned and wanted to talk D details. Apparently our date is set for 10/20.

Anyway, it set me on edge, caught me offguard, whatever. But I kept my cool and departed the situation with minimal damage (asked a "Why" question - oops.) Went over to a friend's to blow off my anger in a safe environment. Left feeling better and centered.

Came home, went to bed. W asked me why dog wasn't in crate. Said dog is in bed with daughter. W said, well, she's still peeing and pooping in the house. I responded: Why do you even care, it's not like it's going to be your house anymore.

She left, returned a few minutes later, pissed. I managed myself much better this time around. I apologized and acknowledged that I shouldn't have talked that way. There was more, mostly her being angry and denying that she's angry. She's been putting up with this crap for "years." I responded that I'm hurting, and human, and angry at the moment about the whole situation, that she's tearing my family apart and there's little to nothing I can do to stop her. And that, in that moment, where a dog pees or poops seems pretty damn trivial to me compared to what she's doing.

Good Lord, this stuff is hard.

[Shakspr]

Man, I feel stupid. So many opportunities throughout the whole evening to make a good impression and instead I succeeded in accusing, logic/reasoning, and smartassery.

Dammit. I did put the dog in the crate though.

[Ss06]

"Smartassery" is going to be my word of the week. I love it.

It's replacing last week's word: "procrasterbating".