M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Found a good lawyer, we had a short chat and will meet next Tuesday. He said to stay put in the house for now, he says that at some point they could get a judge to order me out of the house, but that would only be in conjunction with a broader temporary order on how to handle custody, finance etc. between now and the final decree. As I have read before husbands need to stay in the house until that temp order is negotiated and ordered. If you move out before, you are showing the judge you don't care about the house and don't care about the kids, the judge sees it as a type of abandonment. The judge says "What is the current situation? H is out of the house and W is taking care of the kids? Ok, well if that is what is working now we will leave things that way in the temp decree. ". The big problem is that if the final divorce details are decided by the judge, the judge might say "What is the current situation?" Etc etc. this is a big reason why husbands should not move out until there is some type of order making them,and also setting out other details.
Really looking forward to the meeting with L, I am hoping it I'll answer a lot of questions that keep me up at night. Even if the answers aren't great. Like: what % custody is realistic for me to get in Texas?
Will write more later....
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
Press for expanded visitation 60/40. I will get 1/3/5 extended weekends with my kids - picking them up Thursday at 6 and taking them to school the following Monday. Get a strict geographic restriction and stay close! If she still sees you as a good dad, this should be doable. Or maybe she wants u to be the custodial parent?
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
She def wants to be primary parent. She is a very good mom, and that is her main priority. But I will push for 60/40 (me with 40). And I will stay close and push for geo restriction.
I think she sees me as a good dad. If she objects it will prob be based on "Our kids are too young, it is too unstable for them to have to move between houses so much." Personally I believe the inconvenience is outweighed by the benefits of having the dad be more involved in parenting the kids. Not sure how that debate usually plays out in Texas.
I could be wrong but I predict that she won't be able to afford to stay in the house like she wants. If she wants to stay in the house she needs to refinance in her own name and get me off the mortgage. Not sure how she can do that with no real income history for the past 7 years. But we'll see. If she can work that out that is great, would be nice for her and kids to be able to stay in house. I just don't plan to make that happen financially on my back, with her staying in the house while I can only afford an efficiency apartment.
Anyone have any experience with that situation? When is the D process does that issue come up?
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
Hopetex. I truly hope you have a good lawyer. I AM NOT A LAWYER, but here is what I have learned. In Texas, if you have been married 10 years or more, she is entitled to spousal support for up to 5 years. I don't claim to know the formula, but if she hasn't worked, she can get up to 20% of your gross. Plus 25% of your net for the kids (2+ children) until 18 or HS graduation. THIS IS WORST CASE, so don't freak out yet. Community property, (house, cars, debts, 401K), is divided, so you may be able to deduct the equity in the home if you leave her the home. It ain't good to be a man except the fact that the courts here DO believe in fatherly involvement in the children's lives. So you can't be cut off there, and if she tries, she will be on the wrong side of the law.
Bottom line, mediate or do a no fault divorce, uncontested, if that is an option. Lawyers get less, and there is more opportunity for reasonableness.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Told the W this morning that I had found a lawyer and would be meeting with him Tuesday. That started a long conversation about what we envisioned the D looking like. It was very calm and cordial. We discussed how we want to be good cordial cooperative co-parents. Started talking thru finances in a general sense. She thinks she can afford the house and is willing to buy me out by giving me retirement accounts, etc, and knows she needs to refinance, maybe with her dad's help.
I spent yesterday evening hanging out with a buddy at the apartment complex in the neighborhood, he is divorced with three young kids. Nice place, three bedroom three bath, it gave me a picture of what life would look like, not my fantasy but still a good life.
So today I told her I would probably plan on living there if we did get divorced and she was able to buy me out if the house and get me off the mortgage.
We talked a bit about custody schedules, she is proposing something like 70/30, I said I would talk to my lawyer but that I planned on more 50/50. She didn't get angry, just grimaced and said she thought that would be too disruptive for the kids. I left it at that.
I feel very lost right now as to whether what I am doing is good DBing or not. She is very determined right now about moving forward with the D. I am trying to be detached and non-argumentative. I am letting her do all the work on the D, but also cooperating when she asks me for financial info, etc. and I know I have to go meet with a lawyer and get a gameplay ready to protect myself and my relationship with the kids. But I feel like maybe I am giving up and being too cooperative by telling her about my plan to move into the apartment if we D and she buys me out of the house. Am I making things too easy for her, or is this good because it is no trying to fight her on the idea of D?
It feels right now like she is a freight train barreling toward D and there is no stopping it. Over the last day or so I have been in a mindset of "Oh well. I guess the D is inevitable so it is time to get ready to negotiate the details and plan on where I am am going to move, and do it all in a kind, loving and respectful way that protects my working relationship with the W for the benefit of the kids going forward." But am I missing some other DB perspective I need to be holding to?
I feel lost vets, please advise as to how I should handle this new phase!
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
To put it another way, I feel like what I am doing is good in terms of structuring a healthy relationship with a soon-to-be ex wife. I am just not sure if I should be doing something to different if I want to ALSO improve my chances of her changing her mind and wanting to be my W, either before or after a D.
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
I have to admit, my mindset the last few days has been that this is over and there is no hope left, ever. It is still painful inside, but outwardly I am just calmly discussing things with her like who gets the couch, or the entertainment center. I am not even sure I am DB'ing right now. I am just accepting the D and negotiating out the details with her and finding an apartment, etc.
Granted, we may have some conflict when it comes to deciding some financial issues and the custody, but ibasically right now we are cooperating like a healthy divorced couple. And that feels good, but it also feels terrible.
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
If you move out before, you are showing the judge you don't care about the house and don't care about the kids, the judge sees it as a type of abandonment. The judge says "What is the current situation? H is out of the house and W is taking care of the kids? Ok, well if that is what is working now we will leave things that way in the temp decree. ".
Exactly what I've heard, too. Never let the spouse order you out of the house. Never leave unless you feel physically threatened.
Quote:
We talked a bit about custody schedules, she is proposing something like 70/30, I said I would talk to my lawyer but that I planned on more 50/50. She didn't get angry, just grimaced and said she thought that would be too disruptive for the kids. I left it at that.
If she didn't want to disrupt the kids, HELLO, she could actually try to save her marriage instead of blasting it all to hell. She just wants everything her way.
My heart feels for your sitch, HopeTex. I'm hoping more veterans will help you out.
I don't have to worry about minor children in my impending D. (Thank you, God, for that!) And even though you and I do not want to D, we still have to be cooperative with our STBX. So I'm not sure DBing can be done any more than you are already doing.
You are protecting yourself and your family from the fallout as best you can, while being respectful, calm and strong. I admire that, it shows strength of character, and it shows the world that you are a man she is a fool to leave.
She is such a fool.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
