Spoke with W today. She said she wanted to talk about the kids schedules and to see if she could help. I said that I didn't know and that she was never here before so I think we are ok without her She said ok and hung up, thinking back on what I said I could have said it better and called to apologize. She said that I had said it before and it stung. We talked a little about that and I said we could talk more about it but I didn't know. I told her that I was not ready to get into this at this time and she said ok. I don't remember how we got on the subject but she told me that when she appears sad and I ask her what's wrong she said that it was because she feels like she is in limbo. She wants her own place but realized that is not going to happen. She also said it was some thing I couldn't fix and I said I understand and was he there for her. She also said that she liked spending time with me but was waiting for the other shoe to drop if things didn't meet my expectations. I told her that I didn't have any. I said that I was working on me and loved spending time with her and that I go day by day.
Picked W up from the train station. I can tell she is really tired talked a little but let her rest. I think she is really confused about what is going on in her life.
I don't have any expectations but I have a lot of hope.
When it came to a lot of the hard conversations in o M I would shut down. My 180's has been in conversations with the W and how I deal with emotions. She's been waiting for me to snap and get angry and I don't . I think that when we talked about the kids yesterday and I said this is a conversation I am not ready to have at this point was different than I'm not talking about it. The first she said ok I understand the second was why can't you talk to me.
So I am ok with this even though she says her feelings are not changing . I go day by day and just try to make her happy. I don't know if it's working but I went from I don't want to be with you anymore to I enjoy spending time with you. So with that and the fact that she says she loves me I keep trying to build positive times with her and support. Little by little she is opening up.
So I had a busy morning most of the things had to be done before the W got up. Took S19 to work at 5 and then took S14 to school for football practice. Came hame and fixed W breakfast in bed. Then I went to my first day at work. Talked to W about going to S11 football game she said she wanted to go but it was to hot and humid. After the game came home and took W to gym she seems better today and we coated in the car. She did most of the talking which is becoming more and more frequent.
This weekend has been a little difficult for me. While W is here and talking she has been a little sad. I'm not trying to fix it just let her know that if she needs me I am there for her.
Got to work and they gave me extra hours today. Emailed W and told her I would be late. Traffic was horrible and I was late home. She was upset but acted like she wasn't . I apologized for what happened. What should I do to deal with this situation? I'm downstairs and she is in the bedroom should I give her some space?
So W said I didn't have to apologize it was the first day there and she understood. She seems to be trying not to go anywhere this weekend. I'm worried it is part of her plan for this separation. I will see what tomorrow brings.
I explained that the apology was not for being late from work as she said that was out of my control but for being inconsiderate and not calling and letting her know. After that she seemed to be a little happier we watched some tv and talked.
You asked me to drop by and take a look at your thread. One thing I want to warn you about is not making this all about winning her back. You are really focused on it, as obvious in your posts. Reconciling the M should be your hope, of course. Whenever so much effort, time, and attention is spent in getting the WAW back, then it is easy to fall back into those old comfortable patterns once she is back.
In the stories I remember of LBH'S who busted the divorce and then had to return to the board a second time........they all confessed they stopped working on themselves and the old behaviors returned. Even those who SWORE it would never happen b/c their changes were for no other reason but to improve themselves. Yet, in spite of claiming the changes were for life, they had to admit that once they won back the W, it was just to easy to slip backward.
I can understand, b/c it is the nature of the man. Just as many women try to look their very best before M, only for the man to see what she really looks like later.
I just don't want to see you showing up again.......after the M has been reconciled. It is important that you grow as an individual during this process. Turn some of that focus inward and challenge yourself a bit. Set some personal goals that have nothing to do with getting your W back home. Tell us what they are.
List the changes you are working on now. Not all directed toward the M, but rather improving yourself as a man. You know, just as some women can lose their identity b/c their lives are so inmeshed with their children......I have seen several SAHD who seem to do the same thing. In your attempts to take the burden off your W, perhaps you took too much. It's not easy for some of us to keep life well balanced.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
