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Text messages between W and I.

Friday:

Me: If you want to bring the kids down for a beach day on Monday it is supposed to be better weather by then. Afterwards if you want you and I can go watch the Miami game somewhere.

Her: Ok, I will let you know

Sunday evening:

Me: Did you want to bring the kids to the beach tomorrow?

Her: No, I think I'll stay around here

Me: Ok. Can I come get the kids in the morning? (was not supposed to get them till after school Tuesday)

Her: Maybe breakfast at Cracker Barrel?

Me: I can just come get them

Her: What time?

Her: Were you thinking?

Me: Mid morning

Her: Ok text me before you leave


Definitely no friendly W right now. While I thought long and hard about how to answer the breakfast question, as much as i thought maybe it would be good to go and show her some PMA and be friendly, I decided to not be too available. After all, I took a chance and out of the blue asked her to a beach day. This was after I kinda shut the door on her for the week as I posted earlier.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
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Ugh I hate this unfriendly sh!t. I think you handled it well.

Time to pull back a little as you said and let her have her space. Isn't this game fun?

Have a great time with the kiddos at the beach and hopefully she will hear about it from them and feel regretful that she didn't join.

It's funny because my WAH has been offering to help me move, to help me with things in the future and I have been considering it. However it would leave me tied to him, and I am anxious about that. Reading this text exchange makes me see that needing to be tied to him can be an opportunity for communication and spending time together, but can also be a source of rollercoaster annoyances.

Enjoy the beach pilot, I hope the weather will be fantastic!
Hugs, Lisa

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pilot Offline OP
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Thanks Lisa. I hate to admit it, but since it is the DB forum and I want to be as open as I can, 5 minutes after my W said she would not come down, I sent a text to LF (girl from the bday party) and I will be meeting her and her niece here at the beach for lunch then we will all be on the beach for the afternoon having a good time.

Hah...


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 681
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Hey pilot, they say to GAL right? haha. Be careful but enjoy yourself! smile

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pilot Offline OP
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Im taking a page from the Lisa GAL flirtation handbook smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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Pilot are you taking your kids? Careful there!


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Pilot, sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time at the moment. You're a beacon of strength on these forums (I've been following along but not chiming in). I do think you should be careful with the LF though, else those 3 options you outlined earlier may become just 1.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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ganb8te, thanks for the compliment. I guess we are all susceptible to weakness during our journey.

There will be a group of people at the beach so its not like a date.

I picked my kids up this morning. W was pleasant, but something really weird. When we were making plans for me to get the kids, she mentioned meeting for breakfast. i said I would just come by her place and get them. This morning she sent me a text asking for a time frame when I would be there. I told her. I ended up getting there about 30 minutes early. RIght before I got there she sent me a text saying they would be out running errands. I met her at the Target about 1/2 mile from her house. She was just buying a small bag of plastic beads. She had all of the kids' stuff in her car. S3 said he had to go #2. I suggested we just take him to her place. She brushed that idea aside. I get the feeling she does not want me to see her place. Oh well.

One thing I have learned that at least in my case, the idea of planting the seed of another person and me moving on was not a good idea. Cheese less tunnel. So moving on from that idea.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 736
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Hey Pilot!
Just getting caught up here on your sitch. I am, by no means, the best advice-giver here but I do believe that this, from the convo your WAW had with her friend, is something to think on...

2. She said my W explained to her that the reason she is dragging out the D by not serving me papers, and waiting 3-4 more months to file here in our new state is that she wants to spare my feelings and not be rude by rushing this D through quickly. She thinks it would be easier on me if it did not happen so quick. That she knew I was hurting and did not want to rub salt in the wound.

I think in this case you may want to act like you are cool with the divorce now. My WAW acts the same way, acts like she has this power to hurt me and likes to be "merciful." I wouldn't allow this mentality. In my opinion it gives WAW an upper hand, makes her think you are at her mercy. Again, maybe vets here will offer different advice but to me I think allowing WAW to be in a place where she thinks her actions can "spare you" of hurt is not good. I think it might knock her socks off if you started acting as if you don't want this thing delayed and drawn out forever.

I acted this way with my WAW, like I was at a place where although she knew I didn't initially want a D, that if it was decided it was going to happen, then make it happen fast so it doesn't drag out. I acted like I had accepted it and it wasn't the end of my world. My WAW was clearly was agitated after awhile by this. She would say things like "You know you could act like this bothers you at least a little bit! Instead you're all upbeat and ready for a new life!" She was annoyed that I was fine with the D even though I really wasn't. I just feel like if your WAW was comfortable acting like she is "sparing" you hurt while talking to her friend, that she feels like she has the upper hand and in a way has the power to hurt you. I don't think this is a good idea in my opinion. However as I said, the vets here may say otherwise but this is how I see this. I hope you keep your cool my friend. I'm rooting for you!


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
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Hey pilot, how was the beach?

Interesting about WAW seemingly not wanting you to see her place. I kind of act like this with my H so maybe she is just feeling angry or something and wants to mess with you. Or maybe her house is not clean and she doesn't want you to see that. Who knows.

I find the advice from ItHurts to be very interesting. The whole thing with this DB, at least for some of us, is acting as if we have moved on, don't care and are cool with the D situation. In my opinion, at least for some of us, this is the best way to behave. If we stay cool and unbothered it may make the WAS wonder why and maybe second guess their own decision. However, sometimes we may push that "I don't care" too far - in my case maybe my kissing adventure and in your case planting the seed of another woman. But if so we can only test the waters and then try something different right?

Keep on keeping on as they say. Try something different. Maybe NC for a minute?

Hope the beach was fun!
Hugs, Lisa

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