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Joined: Jun 2014
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I feel for you igit. None of what your W does makes sense. For that matter no WAW does anything that makes sense, so no point in dwelling on what they do. Keep your focus on yourself and making the improvements on yourself. As tough as it is, you just have to keep letting your W do what she is going to do. And IF and WHEN you reach that breaking point, then it is time to let go and move on. I really hope you do not get to that point. I feel like I am there, and one thing I have realized that reaching that point is NOT going to be an instant relief, or a magical happy place.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
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igit Offline OP
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Posts: 441
Pilot, you are so rt. My w is just making it so difficult to keep PMA anytime I am around her. She is just so cold and miserable. It's definitely not good for the kids to see.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Posts: 930
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No, it is not good for the kids to see. I am not sure my situation is any better as the kids split time with my W and I. I certainly hate it more than anything that I do not get to see my kids every day. And being dragged from one home to another with no solid foundation as to where 'home' is at this point has to be tough on the kids too.

There is no win situation when it comes to D and kids.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
I
igit Offline OP
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OP Offline
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I
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
Pilot, you are so rt. These WAW are in so much pain they will do anything to find happiness. The problem is they don't realize that hapiness is an inside job. All a D is going to do when u have kids is trade in one problem for a set of problems alot worse.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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Well lets hope your W figures that out soon, for everyone's sake! Sadly it is something THEY have to figure out.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
I
igit Offline OP
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OP Offline
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I
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
Pilot, let's hope your wife see's that affect on kids as well. I know my wife was pushing for an apt.early on in this fiasco. She was seeing a counselor who thought it was a good idea. I asked wife what the counceling suggested on telling 12d and twin 6 boys. Her answer was her councelor said she didn't have experience in kids. I said well I didn't think it was a good idea. In hindsight maybe I should have let her get the apt. I know it was because of A. Pilot your sitch isn't as bad as it seems from an outsiders view. She will get a taste of independence and how hard the big bad world is. What happens when kids get sick and she has to go to work. Life will get in the way. My w gets a job she leaves at 6am for then serves me. I am thinking wtf are you thinking. She asked me before she takes job if I could commit to getting kids up and to school. Gd old me said yes. I am feeling like a whipped dog.oh well today was ok had dinner then we took kids to pool. Her and I have a real estate deal meeting tomorrow we have been working on. So we see.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
I
igit Offline OP
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OP Offline
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I
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
Today my w and I had a real estate listing meeting. Went well wife asked me how she did in meeting. She did great and I told her so. We went out to put sign in yard. She grabbed my hand and held it as we went back to car. She asked if I would watch kids as she wanted to go to a women's bible study tonight. I said sure and I would get kids to bed. She called me 3x.this afternoon as I had kids at pool while she did work for her class.forgot phone in car. She called D12 and we caught up for a minute. Not sure what is going on in her mind. I have been a little distant but nice. This am I had to run to office. Was short stopped outside her room. Didn't look in just told her where I was going. She asked if I could come in . I did sat on her bed looked at her eyes and listened to whatever she was saying. Small talk but none the less it was good. Anyway I don't want to mind read. Good day overall. I need to answer D summons in 10 days. I think I will agree to mediation and see what go's.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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Member
Offline
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
Impossible to say for sure, but it is likely the reality of the D is starting to hit her as the summons deadline looms. It could be a lot of things, and since we do not do mind reading here, let's not start. As you said, just take it as a good day...which is better than a bad day.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
I
igit Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 441
Having a tough day. I have a meeting coming up with my L on thur.to answer summons. W went to a 2hr.women's bible study last night. She called me on way home from it and talked small talk. She was as nice as she has been in a long time the last few days. This morning I took kids to school and came home the house was a mess. I spent a few hours cleaning up. I even made her bed. I am trying something new. Going to do something nice for her everyday for next 30days. Nothing but little things. Not sure what it will do other then at least put some positive thoughts in her mind. I know a D can be very hurtful to both of us. I am not ready to give up. Our 17yr.anniversary is this Saturday. No present but am going to get a card w pictures of our kids. Just a note that says I will always be great full for thus day. Any thoughts on this from vets


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
P
Member
Offline
Member
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
Dang...17 year anniversary...days after you answer your summons. I hate it for you buddy. As for the present thing...I would be open to something else...or at least the open to discussing it here prior to doing anything. Let me explain why...

I know gifts, etc can be construed as pursuing. However, in retrospect, I probably should have done 'more' than I did this past April for my W's 30th bday. Basically it was a few days after I discovered her A. So what I did was mirror to the T what she did for my 40th a few months earlier. She as already emotionally gone by the time my bday came around, and honestly I probably did not help things on my bday. Through out our history together, I had always been finding new ways to 'go over the top' with things like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays... When we first met, and she had a job, I called her boss, made sure she was out of her office, then had it decorated with candy, flowers, balloons, and stuffed animals. I would surprise her with trips, gifts from Tiffany's, anything that would show I put in a ton of effort to make happen. So when a milestone bday like her 30th came around, I got her 2 cards, one from each kid, and 2 workout shirts. Because that is what she did for me. 2 cards, and 2 shirts, and dinner at a restaurant I really had no interest in eating at. I did it because I wanted to do nothing more for her than me. In hindsight, I got 2 cards and 2 shirts because she did not have the money to do anything else for me. Would it have killed me to try to make that day a little more special? Probably not. Would not have helped my M, but it certainly was not going to hurt it either.

Back to you. In your case, your D is already in motion, but it is not done. You yourself said the other day she initiated holding your hand after your listing appointment. That is a STRONG positive. A small one, but strong nonetheless. So how do you do something nice for her, that is not pursuing? How about this?

If she does not have dinner plans that you know of, and she plans on staying in, make her a super nice dinner. Put in a ton of effort igit. Go all out. Make it something she really loves, or wants to try. But......make it for 1. Set a place for her at the table. Candles, even music. But set it for one. You are not going to be home. You are going to do your own thing. She will see you put in the effort for HER, and not as a pursuing tactic because you are not there. Also, what better way for her to get a glimpse into her future...sitting at a table set for one eating dinner. Now, if she invites you to eat with her, then ok, accept. But have other plans, even if you go eat fast food and find a quiet place to cry.

Just a thought buddy... No guarantee it is a good thought...just a thought.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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