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secondt #2483535 08/31/14 06:00 AM
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Originally Posted By: secondt
LITB,

So... I am beginning the work...

But I guess my biggest concern is that he is living with this woman. I feel as though I don't have much of a chance when he is with her constantly.

I am reading "Divorce Busting" and reading threads..... I know I have things that I will change--- what things did your wife do that made you take notice and took your attention away from your GF and give your attention to your wife?

H spends all weekend with her. Has yet to try and spend time with our kids.....

I called him today and asked if he would like to come over to dinner this week- making one of his favorites- so that he could spend time with the kids.... he did accept- so we'll see....


secondt...I realize that you want this to resolve quickly, however there is no magic bullet. It took a lot of time for your marriage to get to this point and it is going to take a lot of time to get to the other side.

Remember I was originally the LBS, so I can probably relate more to you, than to your H. My W was in the midst of an affair, which lasted over a year. I did not know about it for about 9 months. Probably didn't want to believe it to be more accurate. She filed for D, moved 1200 miles away, and eventually I was ordered to send my children to her by the judge.

The biggest mistake I made, was to allow FEAR to be my navigational guide. It cost me a lot of money and time with my children. Looking back, I enabled a lot of her behavior. That was a big revelation to me. I would have done things differently knowing what I know now.

Why do I tell you this? For two reasons:
1. It wasn't until I detached and dropped the rope that things changed in my situation. See, I wasn't looking at what my W was doing or not doing. As long as my kids were being cared for, it didn't matter. I just knew life wasn't as bad as I had feared. Quite frankly, I was beginning to enjoy and embrace my new life.
2. I highly suggest that you set boundaries. For example, not having dinner with him or spending time as a "family" while he is involved with OW, otherwise you enable his behavior.

You can read the last few post in my thread to get an idea why I chose to work things out with my W.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Card29 #2483539 08/31/14 06:26 AM
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Originally Posted By: Card29
I've only been following DB for a couple of months, so I'm no expert or vet yet. But I would not try to win him back while he's with OW. He is just going to cake-eat. He gets to have exciting weekends with his GF and then get a nice home-cooked meal on occasion from his W? That's a WAH's dream. It would only prolong the A as his EN's (emotional needs) would be met in spades - no reason to change anything. It might even feel like you approve of the A.

I have a PI investigating a possible A by my WAW. If I get confirmation, here will be my course of action:

- Expose the A. OM's family (W, mother, friends, whoever I can talk to), WAW's family, my family. I've seen that this can help expedite the ending of the A as it eliminates the fun of secrecy and causes lots of other problems for the two in the A.
- Demand that the A end immediately and that all contact permanently cease.
- If WAW does not agree to that in a short time frame (1 week), I will cut off all direct contact with her until the A is over. All necessary communication (daughter) would go through an intermediary.


Card,

I agree with the first part of your post. I disagree with exposing the affair to anyone, other than letting your W know you are aware of it if that is what your P.I. discovers. Starsky is really good with how to handle this type of situation. Read some of his posts.

I think exposing it to others will cause more damage than you hope. To be frank, it portrays you as manipulative and controlling.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Joe1981 #2483559 08/31/14 11:34 AM
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Card29-
My H is the kind of person you can not tell what to do. I have read other material that makes agrees with your suggestion of forcing H to end the affair or cut off all ties.

I know my H personality and if I were to do that- he would say forget it and not even try. He would think that I am pulling away and not wanting to commit to my marriage. I tried not communicating with him for a couple of weeks and he became very frustrated and angry with me- and ready to pull the plug. Is that supposed to be the effect of ending communication???

Joe1981-
This A has been going on almost 5 months now. They live together... I pray everyday that God will end the A. GF is married too. I am concerned with Card29's comment that he will think I approve of the A- or that it is okay that he have a GF.
I am working so hard on changing how I interact with him and try to stay so positive and not induce drama- I don't mention the A or go anywhere near the topic. H has told me GF is insecure... I am sure GF is clinging to him with everything she can....

This is so hard

Secondt

LITB #2483560 08/31/14 11:44 AM
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LTB

I appreciate your perspective.

So- do I un- invite him? My purpose in having him come to the house for dinner is to see what he is missing. To spend time with the kids. To have a positive interaction with us....

Now I am not sure what to do...

secondt #2483570 08/31/14 12:14 PM
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Don't uninvite. Be the absolute best you possible, w/out being over the top. Then, don't be so hasty to invite in the future.

If you think he thinks you're ok with the A, and talks about it or the OW at all, be absolutely crystal clear that you will have nothing to do with that. Don't freak on him, but just make your position known. You will not be his sounding board about the A or the OW.

If/when it is all over, it may become time to talk about it, until then...you want to hear none of it.

My 2 cents.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Joe1981 #2483598 08/31/14 02:14 PM
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Thanks for you 2cents because I was feeling that I had made a grave mistake.

When I have been around my H lately I haven't even acknowledged the A. This I guess is my form of detachment.

Rightly or wrongly.

I really appreciate your help- please continue to give me your 2 cents!!

secondt #2483616 08/31/14 03:18 PM
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Joe gave you some sound advice. Go with the plan and make the best of this opportunity.

You didn't make a grave mistake. You are just trying to find your way.

From what I gather, you are trying to get him to snap out of his fog. I did the same type of things. Looking back, it felt like walking on eggshells, trying to be perfect and monitoring every little action of my W. Looking for any little sign of hope in her reactions. She knew that I wasn't going anywhere. Subconsciously, she kept me at an arms length. She was able to continue to live in her fantasy, because it didn't motivate her to make a change.

What motivated her to make a change, was when I accepted my life as a single father and began living my life accordingly. Which was without it. I had a realization that it wasn't as bad as I had feared. The beauty of that epiphany is that we have that choice.

To be clear, I was genuinely ready to move forward without her. It wasn't a trick to get her back. That's why you have to focus on yourself. Use this as an opportunity to grow and become the best person possible.

Hope this helps.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
LITB #2483625 08/31/14 03:57 PM
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Yes, LITB your comments do help. I am focusing on me and my kids.
I know we would get along just fine (except financially) without him. I feel I have changed in the past several months.

But I had decided that I would continue reaching out to my H to assure him that I am not giving up hope, not giving up on him, not giving up on us and our family. At first I did feel as though I was walking on eggshells, but once I made the conscious decision to ignore the A and work on reconnecting.

Last week he said that he's trying to figure things out... I don't really know what that means and I don't want to get my hopes up- so I just didn't say anything back to him.

Baby steps for sure.


Last edited by secondt; 08/31/14 03:58 PM.
secondt #2483783 09/01/14 03:59 AM
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Originally Posted By: secondt
I know my H personality and if I were to do that- he would say forget it and not even try. He would think that I am pulling away and not wanting to commit to my marriage. I tried not communicating with him for a couple of weeks and he became very frustrated and angry with me- and ready to pull the plug. Is that supposed to be the effect of ending communication???


I didn't read this post this morning. I want to touch on this part.

You said that you know your H's personality. Has he been in this type of situation before? Curious to know if you have something similar in his history to reference.

See, you conveyed your concern that he would feel that you are pulling away and giving up on your marriage. It is a common fear to have and to operate from, as a LBS. You will find that in most situations on this forum.

You asked if him being frustrated and angry is the effect of you stopping communication. Of course he is gonna get frustrated, because you aren't going along with his plan. I am gonna be honest with you. You are enabling him. He is in the middle of an affair that you are aware of. You are allowing him have his cake and eat it too. There isn't a whole lot in your situation to motivate him to make a change.

Now, I would go with the dinner as planned, however I wouldn't continue doing those things.

One thing that doesn't get mentioned much, is that us LBSes are in our own emotional fog early on. We operate in fear of pushing our WASes further away. The reality is that they can't be pushed much further if they have walked out the door or are already in another relationship. Just some food for thought.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
LITB #2483850 09/01/14 01:45 PM
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"You said that you know your H's personality. Has he been in this type of situation before? Curious to know if you have something similar in his history to reference."

Yes, he has had a couple of friendships where things have gone bad and he has tried to reconnect, but the other people don't respond. So he has just given up.

I tried the method of telling him that I wasn't going to communicate with him. That if I needed something I would contact a mutual person to let him know there was an issue with the house, or with the kids and then have that person contact him. I also told him that if he wanted to see the kids he could contact our older son and find out about them through him. Thus, all contact with me would cease. He got really pissed. Saying that no matter what happened we would still need to have mutual communication since we have children and property. He told me that my plan was BS.

Yes, I am worried about pissing him off and then pushing him to the point that we won't communicate at all.

He told me the other day that he is trying to figure things out.

We have gotten together twice to just sit and talk and have a couple of drinks and not discuss the affair- to just connect again. I don't want to lose that.

Do I make him change by pissing him off????


So, how do I walk away? What do I say?

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