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Zues126 Offline OP
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Sorry to bump...I'm no more important than anyone else. But this is one situation I feel is critical I handle right and I'm stumped.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Oct 2004
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Zee,

Be honest with your W. Don't go all sappy. Just stick to the facts and try to keep it all in one paragraph. Own your chit.

Good luck!

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That's a tough one, Zues. She's asking some pretty straight forward questions, and if you want to continue having any kind of real relationship with her, those questions deserve honest answers. As to the best way to give those answers...

Think of your 180s. Thing of the man you are working to become, and imagine how that Zues would answer the questions.

If it were me being asked these questions, I'd say something like:

You know I don't want a divorce. I believe in this marriage, and I'm open to reconnecting. You made the decision to leave, though, and I respect that that is what you feel is best for you.

And no, I'm not currently seeing anybody.


I'm sure there's a better way to address her, but that's what I have.


Me: 31 W: 31
T: 10 years CL: 7 years
IDLY: 01/13 Sep: 07/13 I Moved out: 10/13
W Currently seeing OM
Pets, but No Children
Spacey #2483629 08/31/14 04:12 PM
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well, hold on. it is not right of her to ask and expect those answer yet not offer anything in return. she should be the one to offer her thoughts first (but do not hold the line on that)

Also, I would caution about working towards R if there was still an OM as the two concepts do not mix well. She either wants to work on your relationship, or she wants to be in another.

the problem with answering her honestly, as you may want to, is it 'may' do nothing other than reassure her she still has you, and she will continue on her way without ever saying a word about her feelings. My W would do this.

Maybe a way to reply is to say you have already said so much, and if she wants to talk to you about something then you will LISTEN with an open heart.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
pilot #2483653 08/31/14 06:06 PM
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Wow Zeus, some interesting questions there from your W. I think you handled them excellently thus far.

It sounds to me like she wants answers because she is feeling uncertain about the future. She can't tell why you are making these changes. She likes them but she doesn't know if they are for real. She wants to know if you are just making the changes to get her back and then you will go back to your old ways.

And with those questioning thoughts and feelings come the next ones. Maybe you are seeing someone and that is why you are changing? Or are you changing for her? So she wants to know. I don't think she would ask if she had moved on and wasn't considering reuniting as a possibility.

Good signs I think!

How to answer? Difficult! I would say something brief and honest along the lines of:
I am not currently seeing anyone, I am focused on making myself a better person right now.

And it sounds like she wants to have more heart to heart conversations so you could also say something about that like:
If you have questions about what I am thinking, feeling or doing you can always ask. If you would like to meet up or talk on the phone or over email ... just let me know, I am always open to it. I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings as well.
or something like that.

Good luck and let us know what you decide!
Hugs, LisaB

LisaB #2483655 08/31/14 06:13 PM
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Pilot is wise. Your W's feelings may be clear to her, but it doesn't seem as though they are clear to you. It seems to me like your W is testing the waters, but there should be a mutual exchange of information, not a one-sided reveal.

I like the idea of sharing a little bit (e.g., saying that you're not seeing someone) and then offering to listen. Would she be open to an in-person meeting or phone call? I'm sorry I don't know the particulars of your sitch and if that's even possible.


Me: 33 Him: 35
T: 13 M: 11
D7
BD, S: Jul 3rd, 2014
Elsa #2483656 08/31/14 06:18 PM
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Zues126 Offline OP
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Thank you all for your feedback. Feel free to share more. Otherwise I'll be drafting a reply and posting it for review. So far the highlights:

-validate the feelings she did share
-answer that I'm not in a committed relationship
-keep it to one paragraph
-offer to listen if there's anything she'd like to share

Again, thank you!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Zues126 Offline OP
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OK, before y'all hate me...here's why I broke the rules. First...I don't believe there is an OM. I've thought about it, I just think she's searching, or there was one and but it wasn't too serious. Just my read on the sitch. Second, it's clear this is bothering her, so I want to be sensitive to not causing her more distress. Third, I worked in the part about not self medicating...I didn't outright say I quit porn 2 months ago (and the change in attitude towards that topic I'm working on) but I thought it was important to work it in on the chance that was a hangup for her. And while I did express interest in the M, I don't think I was pursuing too hard. Well, it's sent...I'll live and learn.



***I’m so glad you’re feeling safer, heathier, and happier with yourself. Though I’ll never know exactly how much pain you’ve been through I understand we wouldn’t be in this situation if it hadn’t been act of self-preservation. This is never how we wanted things to go between us, but the healing and joy you’ve found is something that can never be sacrificed.

Considering the role I played in that, for me to talk about what I want just hasn’t seemed fair. If it helps in any way to know where I’m at then I am willing to share. I hate divorce too. I wouldn’t want to go back to the spot we just left either, but I am interested in the possibility of building a better marriage together. At the least, know that I am committed to doing better with the co-parenting role.

Either way, the need to do a better job across the board has been my priority lately. I haven’t seen anyone else. Just more self-medication, something I’m trying to avoid. When I look at things I’ve done in the past to feel better temporarily, I now see the damage it’s caused to myself, to you, and to the relationship. Not where I want to invest myself. I’m feeling better than I have in a long time because I’m starting to see that I can take care of myself and get through. Doesn’t mean I’m not broken up about the situation, only that I will meet whatever comes head on and be better for it. I know I’ll be in a great marriage in the future. Right now I can only see you as I picture what that looks like. But I completely respect and understand whatever your wishes are and have only compassion for whatever has to happen for you to be your best self.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jun 2014
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WOW Zeus, that was a terrific email. It didn't sound too clingy or emotional to me, and you revealed a lot about what has been going on in your head and heart. I can't help but think your W will be moved by reading it even if she does not want to reunite with you. It should make her think.

Good for you! Now let it go, try not to dwell on her reply.

Hugs, Lisa

LisaB #2484069 09/02/14 03:06 AM
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Zues126 Offline OP
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Thanks guys. It's been a crazy 48 hours. This DB stuff is insane. A month of routine, followed by what can feel like a shift in the universe.

She replied to my email. Said that she f'd up, was trying to find herself and just be free and have fun, but ended up having a drunken summer, then getting lonely, and seeing an old high school friend for a while. She said that broke off because he made her feel the children were a burden and she was to blame. Now she's really devastated, overwhelmed by life, and torn about divorcing a guy who she doesn't know if she can trust but 'who has changed into someone she likes'.

Wow. I was taken aback. Yes, it hurt there was an OM but my read was correct in that it didn't last long. Not sure how serious it was, but in the end given this situation is it ever really serious? You know what I mean. People grab anything when they fall.

Now I'm in a strange spot. Trying to figure out how to be supportive and validate, without pursuing or enabling. I replied to this last email and tried to validate what she was going through. I ended with the line: "It’s been a long time since we were safe with each other. Just know if you’d like to keep talking I’m still willing to listen." I wanted to make sure she understood that I wasn't slamming the door shut after she admitted to an OM.

It's tough, because she's in full victim mode. Still blames me for all the hurt, the M trouble, and the reality she's in. Still can't see past her own pain. And still hasn't looked in the mirror at her own issues.

Time away is crazy. Maybe I rewrote my history and made her a saint. But the reality is that she would need to make some of the same choices towards growth that I've been striving towards. I think she was the initiator so she is just months behind me. She's still trying to find herself, then figure out how to grow for herself. While I'm glad she's conflicted she's a long way from being ready to recommit to the M. Right?

Feel free to chime in. Right now I'm going to keep focusing on me, being a good father, and continuing to work on my problems and be a good coparent. Any traps I should avoid at this point that would delay the progress? I should've prepared for this part but never thought I'd be even this baby step far. Thoughts?

Last edited by Zues126; 09/02/14 03:08 AM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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