barely holding on - 3

[u-turn]

I'm sure waw will want it to seem like an equal decision.

I have told myself that I won't lie to the kids about anything. I will tell them that it is not what I wanted but we wanted different things. Her interests have changed and her interests no longer include me. She still loves you......

I try to talk to them about what they can see or have seen. At this point I do not try to add any information that would change their feelings for either of us. I do try to defend anything that is untrue that they have heard. Again without too much detail.

[u-turn]

MLP.
I know it is not time for relationship talks.

I don't know if it was productive but I know so little about her any more and this was at least some information.

I keep telling myself to detach...probably said it 100 times in my head yesterday. It's hard to do this with all of us in the house.

I keep thinking that I have to keep pushing a little or things won't change. She has no reason to change. She doesnt want to break up the family but won't change anything to stop it. It is all up to me to know how long I can stand this and it seems sometimes she will out last me.

[u-turn]

Sorry to keep adding to this - I am dwelling a little on this.

I think I need to push - I will be the one to have to make a decision to separate and move out. I will be the one to have to make a decision to end the M because all of this works for her right now.

maybe...
She is waiting for me to be the bad guy

She wants me to turn into the WAH to solve everything she can then take the high road and doesn't have to make any decisions at all.

[Eatsma]

That may be true. Do you want to give that to her?

Detachment is hard in the house. I get it. I really do.

I can't really give you any advice, since you and I are essentially in the same situation. I'm sorry that you're here. It stinks.

[u-turn]

I do not want to give that to her - and don't want it at all, but I'm likely to have a breaking point.

It's funny though - we used to be able to just talk about tough topics. I could just ask her the tough questions and she could answer them and she could do the same to me. We could really figure it all out. All of that is gone now.

Now it's eggshells, fake happiness, and avoidance.

[Eatsma]

Are you trying to force some movement because you're not satisfied where things are right now? I totally understand that.

But you're trying to force her to react to something...whether its with a relationship talk or with you moving out. She's on her journey and it's not about you. That particular crazy has to play itself out. It's a house of cards, too. You know it. At some point it's going to come tumbling down.

Now - I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T separate from her. I think about it all the time. I wonder if this wouldn't hurt so much if I wasn't living with H. I don't know. I know it hurts living with him. I know there is a serious disconnect between what he thinks about the situation and what I think about it. He doesn't understand why it's hurting me, he doesn't understand why he can't be friends with her, he's totally befuddled that I think this is a problem, which is, of course, mind-boggling to me.

In the meantime, as time keeps ticking away, I see stressors happening. He said to me last week that the relationship "isn't good for work." I have no idea what that means, and I didn't ask him to elaborate on it. I don't know if people have started gossiping about it, or making accusations, or if it's simply distracting them from doing their jobs. Dunno. Now our D knows, and this is very troubling to H. The wind is starting to blow The question is, is our marriage also a house of cards? It might be. I'm not sure.

What I do know is that it's taken me a LONG time to start working on myself. I need to work on myself OUTSIDE of my marriage. While I know there are things that I can do that will make me a wife who can fill some needs that H found outside of our marriage, I need to do things that are good for ME. Not for H. Good for me. Things that will make ME a better person whether or not our relationship ultimately sustains.

Stop thinking about how things used to be. They're not like that now.

If the separation feels like it would be right for YOU, then yes...do it. If you're doing it for a reaction from her, then it's not the right thing to do.

[u-turn]

Maybe it is pushing just to push.
It seems that all of the mistakes that I made early, after finding out about the A, are biting me back right now.

The instant forgiveness. The acting like I can instantly move on. The fake trust.

I think all of those things have caused this stagnant situation.

Maybe pushing would only be for a reaction.
I am all over the place. I will continue detaching at home and use my time - take it day by day.

Thanks MLP

[u-turn]

I am also not seeing her A as a house of cards right now either. I hope it is - though our house may be just as shaky.

[u-turn]

Going on about this-
something in me makes me want to undo all of these mistakes I made. To start from the beginning. to take back all of the things that I said. I feel like I gave her no accountability for her decisions and now she is holding me to it. I have changed. My feelings have changed. How I look at myself has changed. I made these decisions based on fear and I am not afraid any more.

How do I undo this?

I still have my emotions to contend with. My emotions still cause me to make bad decisions. I have definitely been driven by that this weekend and detachment is not happening easily. I am faking that still.

We spent a lot of time together and it could have been perfectly normal if I let it. At times it was almost date-like. I even made the mistake of planting a big kiss on her at the park the other night while we walked and waited for D14 (who was at a concert).

Sometimes I feel like if I didn't actually know about the A all would seem perfectly normal.

She is currently on an upswing with an emotional connection with the kids again. It is good to see that. Though all I see right now is that she wants to hold the family together (where I am just a small factor in that - she just needs to keep me from leaving - and no more than that).

I am trying not to show how her current actions are affecting me. She still seems to throw intentional digs at me (maybe it's just me seeing it that way).

[Shakspr]

u-turn: that feeling of wanting to go back in time to undo things is WAY too familiar. I have learned to quash it - usually with a whack upside my own head. There are two people in your dance. Your retrospection is only good for visualizing a better way to do it (whatever IT is) when and if there is a next time.

A thought. The past is real. Just because you failed to make her accountable then doesn't matter. In fact, not overreacting is probably a better approach, all things considered. If her heart changes, and piecing happens (such a bland word for such a glorious thing), that will be the time for accountability. Only then will you be forging a new relationship, because if you get to the other side of this, things will never be the same. Better or worse, but not the same.

Read some of the success stories. Most of them were as hopeless as we newcomers at some point in the DB journey.