Wife Still in MLC but has now left #3

[Mighty]

Aaaahhhhh....Matt- If we could all be like Heather!

I'm sorry you are so bummed. I get it. I feel that way too sometimes. It breaks my heart to hear you are feeling this. I have a hard time sleeping as well, and I also have very vivid dreams. A couple months ago, when I was in the "fog" I felt like my life was a dream. My dreams seemed like reality, because I would dream about my "old" life. It was so weird; several times I would wake up and it would take a few seconds to figure out which was real and which was a dream.

I get in these funks where I just don't feel like doing anything, but then I hate doing nothing. I felt that today. I thought, "I hate my life." And it's not that I hate it, and I know I have so much to be grateful for, I just don't like this situation all too often. I don't like feeling overburdened by everything and being alone. The things I would do, I don't want to do alone. It is hard to describe, but I just don't know where to go. Which step do I take? What do I want to do? It is definitely baby steps. The new things I do, I usually do enjoy very much. It is just a matter of doing them.

I have become very close with a friend of mine. She has been great. We weren't really close before this, but she really pulled through for me. She was persistent with me and continued to try to get me to do things, even though I said no most of the time. It was just too hard to be around people sometimes. I still find that I don't always say yes, but it's ok. It was hard for me to really let someone "new" in, but it has been a blessing.

Try to find someone to really relate with. It can be difficult, but it is OK to let your guard down.

Tomorrow I am going to be with family for a little bit, but I feel really guilty saying that it is hard for me. I love them and they are wonderful. We do have lots of fun and not a lot of drama, but honestly, I'd probably rather do nothing. How terrible is that? I know that once I go, I will feel better, and be glad I did.

After I got nuked, I went to the dr for ADs. I never in a million years thought I would be on them. EVER! It is sooo not my personality, but I just did not know how I was going to get through that nuclear bomb. I had been through the initial bd, and I was sent backwards and then some with the nuke. I need it to.... geez.... it almost seems like the word here is... survive! Pretty dramatic, huh?

I'm just sharing my feelings and experiences, Matt. Even though we are different, I can relate to some of your feelings.

I guess if I were to help you, I'd say you still need to detach more. Speaking, of course from my bd experience, I can see how you feel. I did not have to do AD with that bomb, and the biggest thing that helped me was realizing that I couldn't control anything/anyone but myself. I even had to let go of my kids a little. My kids are teens, like your d. I had to face the fact that they were old enough to form their opinions and feelings. Although I wanted to control some of it, I simply couldn't. I talked with them and when necessary, told them what I thought from my perspective, but I honored their own feelings about things.

My s did a lot of things I didn't understand or agree with. We recreated our r as a result of the past year. Although I had to draw the line many times, I also had to let him go more. I had to let him learn the school of hard knocks a little more and support him. I had to be there to pick up the pieces. I had to stay calm and look for solutions to problems/issues he had. In doing this, it helped me move on a little more. It relieved some of the stress and anxiety because I realized there was a lot beyond my control.

As far a your w- you just need to check the "out-of-touch" box next to her name. There is nothing you can do to change her or control her. I think you are still holding on too tightly. Even if it is not to the r, it is to your expectations of what kind of mother/wife/person/friend you think she should be. I understand you've seen a different side to her and what she USED to be. Well, say good-bye to her! Maybe that "her" will come back, but maybe not. That, my friend, is out of your control.

To really save yourself from this low point, you need to release her. Release ANY expectations you have of her. Find a way to find humor in it. I know it sounds twisted, and often impossible. But you do have a great sense of humor. Do her actions really surprise you anymore? Don't let her continue to get ahold of your emotions, Matt. I know it is hard because your d is involved. Don't lose your beliefs for what you feel is right for your d. Take actions you feel are right for your d. But some things you may just have to let go and let your d know you are supporting her. I think you may have to follow db with her. I am thinking back to MWD rules for db. The different ways of communicating and being supportive.

Some of it, Matt, you simply have to just let go. I know, easier said than done. I hope I am not coming across preachy. I just really want you to feel better. But trust me, I so get it. I get the same way. I'm just sharing some things that have helped me. I've been there. Heck, I am there. I still get that way sometimes. We will get through this, Matt.

[Atsbaby]

(((((Matt)))))

I agree that you should focus on getting you some sleep. I struggle with the dreaming also, no suggestions there! One of my good friends is a pharmacist and she told me to take Benadryl to help with sleep. She doesn't care for the melatonin, but to each their own!

Tomorrow, go for a walk or go to the park. It's free and it will get you out of the house!

[ForeverYoung]

I remember feeling like I didn't want to do anything, especially if it meant being around other people. It wasn't fun. The thing is, you have to FORCE yourself to do stuff. Like Mighty noted above, once you get out you will feel better and be glad you did.

Look for meetup groups in your area. They are a good way to enjoy some new activities with new people. We have over a hundred groups nearby me. Some of the groups I've joined are meditation, divorce support, bike riding, and kickball. But there are so many more to pick from. They usually cost nothing.

What does your exercise program consist of, Matt? If you want to sleep and feel better, you need to exert your body. Find some activities that you enjoy and it will be easy to stick with them. I ride my bike to work, do weight training, martial arts, yoga...

Tell me about your diet. Now's not a good time to eat poorly.

[Nitty]

Sleep is very important. I do better with Melatonin and Tryptophan supplements.

But Matt! I hope you are keeping a dream journal. Vivid dreams? Write them down. I get so many insights out of my craziest dreams.

Pay attention to numbers, to people who show up, to how you react. It's your subconscious trying to talk to your conscious self. It's another source of information and it's free!

[Matt165]

Thanks Heather, Nitty, Ats, FY, nice to know you all are out there!
Don't worry about sounding "preachy", I needed it! Lots of good suggestions in there from everyone. I can really relate to the dreams of the "old" life. There have been so many times I woke up and it took a few seconds to realize that things really hadn't gone back to the way they were. Talk about a let down! Friday night we lost power here just at dusk. I went out to make sure it wasn't just me and there was a huge rainbow over the house. I remember I always liked seeing rainbows, I saw them as good omens. This time there was no one to share it with or tell to come see. I remember looking at it and thinking it's just the sun through the rain, sad really. Life has seemed to have lost some of it's "magic". Knowing that even the person I have loved and cared for for 26 years could do what my W has done, for no real reason (at least that seems real to me) then the world is much colder than I ever thought. It's darker and colder and less "magical". If my W can become so horrible, change so completely so quickly, even as I did everything I could to be supportive, to do the "right" things what else could happen? Even if I do everything "right" it seems like the wolf is always at the door.

I think this is something all of us here must go through to some extent. The fact that the person we trusted and counted on most could do this, what's that say about the rest of the world? Bad thinking all around, I know. I'm sure in time I will re-find much of my sense of wonder, it's just in short supply as of late.

I think I need some small wins right about now. To do that I have to make it happen. First, more sleep. Next get myself moving (I was working out a lot more than I have been recently. My free pass to the local gym expired a few weeks ago so I haven't been keeping up as well. Time to be make sure I keep up. Thanks for listening and the good advice, everyone. It really does help!

[mirage]

Matt,

There is someone to share it with - yourself. why - because you can appreciate it.

WE as human beings tend to think we need someone there for it to be important.

This road is a hard one, but in traveling the hard road you become stronger, wiser, a more complete you.

There will come a time that life will have that brightness, you will see with new eyes.

Hang in there

Mirage

[LoisB]

Matt,

I hope you can try to accept yourself where you are. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal and a part of this process. You had this person in the backdrop of your life for 30 years? Even if she was unavailable and depressed for much of it...she was there. And, now, she isn't. It takes some getting used to.

You have choices.

You can fill up the empty space with someone else.

Or...

You can fill up the empty space with YOU. Take a deep breath and fill your insides with your own name. Celebrate you. You are one tough cookie and you WILL laugh again and you WILL feel joy again and you WILL feel settled again.

Right now, you are in the pruning stages. Think about an overgrown, neglected fruit tree. Left as it is, it will survive...but, the fruit may not be the best and it may look and appear terrible. Prune it...get rid of the branches that are weighing it down...it may hurt...be uncomfortable and the tree may not rally right away...with some care, though, the tree could be even better than before.

You are pruning your old life...you are shaping the branches and putting the stuff that weighed you down aside...burn it, let it go...little-by-little...you are handling things as they come...the IRS, your daughters, the dissolution/divorce, the job situation...just keep putting one foot in front of the other. At some point, you will turn around and realize, "Hey!! I handled this!! I can do this! I'm going to be ok."

When a single soldier is in the foxhole and surrounded by enemy fire...which it sounds like you are...it's a good idea to call for help/reinforcements, along with building some thick walls/boundaries and/or making a strategy for a retreat to a safer spot.

Question: Is the IRS deal only yours to deal with?? How does W fit into the picture?

[AJM]

It's darker and colder and less "magical". If my W can become so horrible, change so completely so quickly, even as I did everything I could to be supportive, to do the "right" things what else could happen? Even if I do everything "right" it seems like the wolf is always at the door.

The world is as it was before, Matt. The world hasn't changed. You have, or rather your view of it.

It's all about perspective really. While you readjust your perspective and find that the world is a great place, realize that you're going to grieve the loss. You'll have periods like this (withdrawl of sorts). With work, they will get further apart.

Great advice I got during the time I went through the same: even if you don't feel like it, get out of the house. Do something. Exercise. Live.

The time will pass and your perspective will change Matt. You have to work at it, but it will. The back and forth will stop (when you stop it), your expectations will become zero, and you will enjoy your life.

Take the actions now and they will pay off. The mountain you see will become the mole hill it needs to be and you'll look back and wonder why it took so long.

AJ

[LoisB]

One other thing...:-)

When I was in the thick of it...the pain, rejection, desolation, despair, etc...

Sometimes, I imagined myself a year or so ahead...imagined my life back to OK and back to settled and full of joy. I imagined myself triumphant over the situation.

Then, I imagined myself talking to a woman who was in the trenches...dealing with a life freshly in shatters...I imagined what I would tell her and how I would explain my path out.

There's a guy out there, right now, living his life...not even dreaming that the bottom is going to fall out. But, it will. Maybe, he will be faced with IRS problems, a apeshid crazy W and two teenage daughters. YOU WILL BE HIS SALVATION...Why? Because you've been there and done that...against impossible odds.

Asking directions from someone who has never been to the area is fruitless...You could be the inspiration that will help one other family survive this tragedy.

[Nitty]

Matt, everybody has said everything so much better than I could. I too am struggling with the enormity of this life change.

We must keep remembering that all suffering is temporary. It will move on, like the weather. We are going to ride it out. More will come and go and we will ride that out, too. I am not good at remembering this but I am working on it.