Claire-Is DB Worth It? Part 6

[LisaB]

Hi Claire, just wanted to chime in and say I don't think his email meant he was done either. It sounded like he was more saying that he is having a lot of feelings that he is having a difficult time expressing. I would sum it up as him saying he is confused.

I get exactly what you are saying about your H just giving up on the relationship without trying. As Ss and Maybell both said, I feel the exact same way about my WAH. He let his "feelings" disappear without saying or doing anything and then he was just done with no possibility working on the problem or trying to get the feelings back.

And that hurts and feels ridiculous to us, the LBS. In my case I think it was the OW that pushed the situation over the edge. He probably would have been willing to work but he had someone very attractive to "try" with. So he didn't feel like trying with me.

Good luck Claire! I think that email from him was positive! Take advantage that he is having sad and confused feelings!

Hugs, LisaB

[labug]

It IS unacceptable to me that a spouse would let their feelings get to that point without trying to get professional help to try to turn things around before it got too late. It IS unacceptable to me that someone would believe a marriage, a life together, is so disposable.

What do you mean it's unacceptable? Does that mean it's unforgivable? Do you think he did what he did to harm you?

I felt much the same way and probably have it written with strong indignation somewhere in my threads. Probably more than once. I know my IC and I went over it and over it...

But at some point I had to let go, because holding on to that and moving forward (with or without him) weren't compatible. Holding on to my outrage and hurt was keeping me stuck.

I needed to begin forgiving because after all, I was asking him to do much the same. I also had to realize that the choice he made was the only one he saw he had at the time.

For me, and this was a difficult realization, I held on to his "wrongs" because it kept me from truly accepting some of my part in the breakdown of the M. I had the trump card "yeah, but I'm not the one who left!"

I think you're doing a great job at this, it's just very difficult cause it challenges many of our strongly held beliefs and concepts.

I haven't quoted David Richo in a while but it seems to fit here,
“The more invested I am in my own ideas about reality, the more those experiences will feel like victimizations rather than the ups and downs of relating. Actually, I believe that the less I conceptualize things that way, the more likely it is that people will want to stay by me, because they will not feel burdened, consciously or unconsciously, by my projections, judgments, entitlements, or unrealistic expectations.”

[claire7]

Labug, thanks this is really helpful.

Lots of new thoughts swirling. I want to push myself to see some positives... so, I have noticed that there have been a few instances lately where he has apologized unprompted, either for his words or his tone. I feel like he is making more of an effort to self reflect and think about not just what he says but also how it comes across. I've seen important changes in him that make me feel hopeful, and I want to acknowledge that.

And I also want to tell him that it feels a bit like this: I've become less sensitive, and he's become a bit more sensitive... and so the gap between us has shrunk. Maybe we are even close enough that some determination and effort could be the spark that gets us the rest of the way back to each other.

I haven't responded to his last message. I was thinking of simply saying that, while I don't share his belief that our feelings couldn't change with some support and effort, I do acknowledge that he has the right to that belief. That I share those thoughts with him not with a particular expectation about us, but simply that I am work in very hard on becoming the best me that I can be, and when I have a new insight into what went wrong, I wanted to acknowledge that responsibility I had, and just share what I've realized. But that I have no expectation that telling him that would change anything between us. It's more just holding myself accountable for my part.

I don't know how to say any of that to him, though.

We have to talk about something related to our D in an hour... I think I will just avoid this topic unless I get some killer feedback soon!

[labug]

Why do you feel the need to respond to his email.

How about "thanks for letting me know D was proud of her sign, it sure made me happy to see it."

Don't go here:

And I also want to tell him that it feels a bit like this: I've become less sensitive, and he's become a bit more sensitive... and so the gap between us has shrunk. Maybe we are even close enough that some determination and effort could be the spark that gets us the rest of the way back to each other.

That's pushing him in a directions he doesn't want to go.

((( )))

[claire7]

That makes sense, labug. I guess I was wanting to acknowledge that I noticed he's changed and that I appreciate that, and also that I wasn't upset by what he said or how he said it, because I'm not so sensitive anymore.

[Maybell]

You can act those things by building on them and not reacting the ways he expects you would.

It's so nice to see things shifting a little for you. You deserve it.

[claire7]

So, I'm trying to continue to focus on the positives and see things in a different (180) light. Some positive signs:

We spoke about a complex logistical issue related to D3's childcare. I was a bit anxious because I knew this issue was stressing him out, and that he is also stressed about something at work (I don't know what).

But-- we had a good conversation. He started the conversation by thanking me for taking the lead on solving the issue, on our D3's behalf. He allowed himself to have somewhat of an actual conversation with me that was not just about logistics, even though he prefaced it with, "I know this is off topic of our conversation..." He opened up in a couple of other small ways-- told me that he is very much looking forward to having a day off from work out of town this weekend-- he told me where he was going (and also said he was getting a ride from someone, but didn't say who), and told me about a friend's mother who recently passed away.

I stayed totally calm, validated his concerns, suggested solutions and positive possible outcomes to our childcare problem.

I have a new insight about him-- he is a big mindreader, and gets himself worked up. For example, he was worried that his mom would be upset or annoyed (we need her help to solve this childcare situation), and so he passed on to me a sense of urgency and crisis... but I called her to ask about it-- and she didn't indicate she felt like that AT ALL. So, it seems like the urgency and crisis was just in his own mind.

So, it could have been much much worse, and I am just staying the course right now. I guess that's all I can do. More thoughts later, after this migraine goes away.

[Jacket]

Claire, I haven't had a chance to read your entire story, but I have read all of Part 6 and I see so many similarities between your story and mine, right down to the migraine. I hope yours goes away soon. I got sent home from work because of mine. I took a 2-hr nap and feel much better. Not totally headache free, but definitely better.

[labug]

So, I'm trying to continue to focus on the positives and see things in a different (180) light. Some positive signs:

We spoke about a complex logistical issue related to D3's childcare. I was a bit anxious because I knew this issue was stressing him out, and that he is also stressed about something at work (I don't know what).

But-- we had a good conversation. He started the conversation by thanking me for taking the lead on solving the issue, on our D3's behalf. He allowed himself to have somewhat of an actual conversation with me that was not just about logistics, even though he prefaced it with, "I know this is off topic of our conversation..." He opened up in a couple of other small ways-- told me that he is very much looking forward to having a day off from work out of town this weekend-- he told me where he was going (and also said he was getting a ride from someone, but didn't say who), and told me about a friend's mother who recently passed away.

I stayed totally calm, validated his concerns, suggested solutions and positive possible outcomes to our childcare problem.

I have a new insight about him-- he is a big mindreader, and gets himself worked up. For example, he was worried that his mom would be upset or annoyed (we need her help to solve this childcare situation), and so he passed on to me a sense of urgency and crisis... but I called her to ask about it-- and she didn't indicate she felt like that AT ALL. So, it seems like the urgency and crisis was just in his own mind.

So, it could have been much much worse, and I am just staying the course right now. I guess that's all I can do. More thoughts later, after this migraine goes away.

The stories we make up in our minds keep us all spinning


Oh, one more thing. I second what Maybell said about your actions will show him how you've changed. Consistent actions always trump mere words, both good and not so good.

[claire7]

Tracking more positives:

1) On his way to drop of D3 this morning, he asked if I would like him to pick up breakfast for me
2) At drop off, he stayed to chat for a bit-- mostly just spending time with D3 (not really a conversation between us), but still-- he didn't rush off.
3) Told me he cancelled his plans for the day because he's not feeling well. (That is not a positive, but the fact that he was open with me about it is)
4) There was another email recently where he let his personality show a little bit. I feel like any of the times where he lets his wall down and acts like a real person to me (rather than a totally detached stranger) is a positive, at least right now.

Off to have a fun day with D3...