Hi Wonka; I'm reading "When Sorry Isn't Enough" right now. On chapter 9. I have printed out Sandi's lengthy response and keep reading it over. She hit the nail on the head there.
Yes I will definitely post the letter here first for critical analysis. Once complete I will memorize it and deliver it verbally and in writing.
I'm leaving on a business trip in a couple of weeks. I want to present it before I go. That will give her time to process it while I'm away for a week.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
I finished the book. Now I realize the reality. I want reconciliation with my WAW. However that will only come as a result of the necessary prerequisites: namely 1) apology, and 2) forgiveness. Only once my spouse forgives me for the actions and behaviours that I did which caused our marriage to deteriorate will she be in an emotional position to consider reconciliation.
So the apology needs to be complete in all 5 aspects or apology languages. And once presented and forgiveness requested, then I have to be patient while she processes the apology and hopefully grants me the forgiveness that can then lead to a willingness to reconcile.
This process may hopefully encourage her to reciprocate the apology process. But I realize if I hold out on the apology for my role in the breakdown, then I may die alone.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Ok. Here it is. The first draft of my apology letter. I'm looking for comments and advice from you.
--------------------------------------------------------- My Dearest W;
Ever since our first kiss, you have been the most important person in my life. Since that day, I was totally smitten with you and those feelings have endured. I realize that there have been times when my words or actions may have made you feel like you were not number one in my life. That was never my intent and it was due to my lack of empathy, my lack of consideration for how you would perceive my actions, and my negligence to see the world from your point of view.
At times I would be persistent to a fault to arrange things in my life to suit what I thought was best, without looking deeply enough into your feelings to see if what I thought was best was actually not in your best interest. I have failed in those times to consider what was best for you and for our life. I know you would tell me what you thought and although I would take that into consideration, my blind determination and my arrogant opinion that I know best overrode your feelings. I realize now how that discrediting of your viewpoint by my insensitivity and selfishness had hurt you over and over again. My intentions never were to hurt you - I was trying to make our life together the best it could be but I was blind to what was really taking place in your heart and mind.
I've been an insensitive blockhead. I am so sorry that I have caused you all this pain. I have wept, having realized the depth of hurt that I caused you. If I could turn back time, with the awareness that I now have, I would have validated your feelings, truly seeing what's in your heart and acted in your best interest accordingly.
I wish to never hurt you again as I have done in the past. I am working on my awareness, listening to your heartfelt words and trying my best to maintain the changes I've made. I would ask that if you detect any indication that I'm not staying my course that you immediately bring it to my attention so that we can avoid any more bad behaviour on my part. I have learned much and have grown over the past eight months and never wish to go back to how I was - I would like to leave those old ways behind.
I would like to set things right. Perhaps we can take a deserving vacation to an exotic destination to spend a large block of uninterrupted quality time together, just you and I.
I know I cannot erase the hurts of the past. For those I ask for you forgiveness.
With all my love, forever H --------------------------------------------------------------
Did I leave anything out? Is the request for her to police my changes fair?
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Dearest W;
Ever since our first kiss, you have been the most important person in my life. Since that day, I was totally smitten with you and those feelings have endured. I realize that there have been times when my words or actions may have made you feel like you were not number one in my life. That was never my intent and it was due to my lack of empathysensitivity [or awareness], my lack of consideration for how you would perceive my actions, and my negligence to see the world from your point of view.
At times I would be persistent to a fault to arrange things in my life to suit what I thought was best, without looking deeply enough into your feelings to see if what I thought was best was actually not in your best interest. I have failed in those times to consider what was best for you and for our life. I know you would tell me what you thought and although I would take that into consideration, my blind determination and my arrogant opinion that I know best overrode your feelings. I realize now how that discrediting of your viewpoint by my insensitivity and selfishness had hurt you over and over again. My intentions never were to hurt you - I was trying to make our life together the best it could be but I was blind to what was really taking place in your heart and mind.
I've been an insensitive blockhead. I am so sorry that I have caused you all this pain. I have wept, having realized the depth of hurt that I caused you. If I could turn back time, with the awareness that I now have, I would have validated your feelings, truly seeing what's in your heart and acted in your best interest accordingly.
I wish to never hurt you again as I have done in the past. I am working on my awareness, listening to your heartfelt words and trying my best to maintain the changes I've made. I would ask that if you detect any indication that I'm not staying my course that you immediately bring it to my attention so that we can avoid any more bad behaviour on my partfeelings as a result of some misunderstanding or miscommunication. I have learned much and have grown over the past eight months and never wish to go back to how I was - I would like to leave those old ways behind.
I would like to set things right. Perhaps we can take a deserving vacation to an exotic destination to spend a large block of uninterrupted quality time together, just you and I.Our old marriage is dead. What I would like to see is for us to re-build our marriage in a new way that is affirming for the both of us. It is my hope that you would be willing to participate in the healing process together and I would like to hear your thoughts on how we can achieve this.
I know I cannot erase the hurts of the past. For those I ask for you forgiveness.
Ok. I agree with those changes. Thanks Wonka. Anyone else?
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
So tonight she invited me over for a late (10pm) dinner. I had the apology letter in my back pocket and after dinner she said she was going to bed so I was walking out to leave and she asked what was in my back pocket. She pulled it out and I said it's for her. She opened it and started to read it so I said wait - let me read it to you so I pulled out my typed copy and read it to her as she followed along with my handwritten copy.
After I finished she commented that it must have taken a lot of courage to write that. I said yes, and a lot of soul searching. She said she was going to read it again later. Then she asked me to stay for a glass of wine.
We talked. She said she needs to find herself. That over the 10 years she's been with me she felt she put her own self aside to conform to my life. She said that's been a pattern in her life and she needs to change that. She needs to be strong as her own self and only then can she be ready to be with me again. She's thinking of getting an apartment so she can get away from both me and her job.
She also reiterated her fear that my changes are only temporary, so I told her my changes are not to get her back, but are for me for the rest of my life. She said time will tell. I told her I understand her trepidation, and it's understandable after two previous relationships with alcoholics.
We spoke about me not holding her enough over the years and me always going straight for sex. And how that made her feel used and lonely. I told her that I held her a lot but she said it was not enough.
Then I told her I missed sleeping with her. I should not have said that. I was feeling vulnerable. She said it put a lot of pressure on her. I apologized. She said it made her feel guilty. Things were going so well until I blew it with that remark. I could kick myself. I backpedalled as much as I could but the horse was out of the barn so to speak.
I left on good terms though. We'll be painting together tomorrow. I'll try to keep the R talk to a minimum. Let it cool a bit.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
