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You are putting pressure on yourself. It's as if you feel you have to forgive right now.......right this minute.....and resume your life with WAH. I still say you are rushing the process and even though the two of you have good times (which is wonderful) there are some things that can't be pushed.

I respect the fact that you recognize what you have to do in order to have a relationship that is "real" with him. It is difficult to force feelings out of ourselves or anyone else. As a wayward WAW, who had decided to stay in my M, I knew I needed to be remorseful......and even prayed to be forgiven and to feel remorse for my actions. I was going through all the right steps, but the resentment of the past continued to reign in my spirit. What worked for me, was reading all the heart break from the LBH'S here on the board, then mentally connect it with what I had done to my H. I was actually working toward getting to the place I felt remorse and also be able to forgive him. And it still took a loooooong time before I could give a genuine apology and show remorse to my H.

I only told you this to let you know that although I wore a different pair of shoes, I can understand about trying to force feelings where the issues are unresolved. I do believe we should make the choice & decision to forgive, and allow time for the feelings to catch up with the decision. Sometimes, it is easier said than done b/c we women have so much feelings tied to everything that involves us. I am praying that you will have a very good MC who will help both of you. You deserve happiness and peace.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you as always Sandi

You are spot on. I have made the decision to forgive but my mind and heart need to catch up with the decision that has been made. I know I need to give it time. However, I am someone that wants things rectified and let's
Move forward! I'm working on this. I also feel like I'm putting so much weight on MC. I just don't want to be disappointed. We are at the point where H is spending every day at the house. I have told him I loved him this weekend after not having said it since March/April.

I am teetering the balance of eveything I have learned from DB (and so much more from DB I still have to learn). I don't want to get comfortable as revert back to old habits and to be honest I have caught myself going down a path and had to do a u turn. Especially with conflict and my delivery of the message. So I'm really working hard to remain cognizant of the things I do and can change.

The being appreciative of my H is probably something that will stick with me forever. I really realized it today that I didn't tell him or show him I was as much as I could have. This morning I woke up (he got up with the Boys and let me sleep in) went to the store and got the boat ready (a lot of work by the way) and basically I just had to show up. I invited a girlfriend and go figure she loved H (she's a friend from work that had never met him). I ended up with a really terrible migraine by the end of the day so he took care of dinner and drove to the store to get me medicine. I just love this man. Just trying to be realistic that hopefully his changes are genuine. My mom told me she cried today looking at H and I. He was just holding me while we were watching the boys play at the beach. She said she and my dad were just so happy to see me happy after these last 6 months of hell.

Ugh sorry I'm rambling. I can't sleep!

But thank you all and thank you sandi. I hope I find peace I know I will I just have to be okay with getting through every letter of the alphabet to get to the end without skipping some important letters


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Everything isn't going to suddenly be OK. There will be ups and downs and good and bad. That's just life. You have a lot of expectations.

How can you deal with those expectations?

It's important for you to know your boundaries. Do you?

Slow down and enjoy where you are right now. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow. smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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You're doing just fine.
Keep up the good work. grin


Justin Credible
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I really honestly don't know what my boundaries are entirely.

I feel confused and just want to be happy. I don't even know if I am making sense!

What kind of boundaries are you talking about? And the way I can deal with MY expectations is to take it day by day and live life. I can't control what happens so what will be will be. I can control how I act and respond to things.


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Again. You're doing just fine.
Great job.


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There's all kinds of writing out there on setting boundaries in a relationship. The good news is you don't need a lot of boundaries, just strong boundaries. I don't know what your boundaries might be but figuring out what that are would be a good first step for you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: labug
I don't know what your boundaries might be but figuring out what that are would be a good first step for you.


And just to help brainstorm, can you name some:

Financial boundaries?
Physical boundaries?
Intimacy boundaries?

FYI: You have already set some with his R with 19girl and her family.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
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I guess my mind was mush reading Labugs question regarding boundaries. I have set some very firm boundaries in regard to H in many aspects

1. Absolutely no contact with ex boss and the family including OW and anyone in that social circle (which includes one of my used to be very close friends that I found out are not as good of friends as I thought)

2. New job - I would not even think about R if he didn't

3. Marriage counseling - same as the new job

4. Separate bank accounts for however long I determine. We continue to split household expenses and things for the boys 50/50. I will keep my second job to support myself and pay some debt off.

5. Intimacy - H went for a full STD test. As I will not have anything to do with him until that is done.

6. H has asked for one night a week for just us - whether it be dinner, movie at home, gym, etc. so that's something I think is good


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See you did know what boundaries were. smile

That's a good start.

Relax now and see what happens.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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